Alone with my thoughts

I am alone with my thoughts tonight.  D is with his dad and sister at a funeral visitation for a one of his great aunts, they were not particularly close, but it is still hard.  I have some anxiety when it comes to going to a funeral home.  I have had some pretty terrible losses.  I lost my dad almost 5 years ago this New Year's Eve and my grandpa and uncle 4 days apart last Christmas and then my step-grandmother in March.   I know this is a part of life, I get that, it is so hard to deal with not just my own emotions but trying to help others get through it. 

I talked to my grandmother last night, just to check on her.  She and my grandpa were married for 67 years and truly had a wonderful love story.  How do you help someone who tells you that they wake up every morning and automatically roll over to check on their spouse and feel a huge disappointment and sadness when they aren't there?  Sometimes I can't talk to her without crying and she almost always cries while talking to me.  I can't help my mom who can't read "brother" birthday cards without crying.  I am a helper, it's what I do.  It is such a helpless feeling.

In my thoughts tonight are some really special people who just need some good vibes.  Have you heard the analogy of the duck?  You know, he looks so peaceful on the surface just swimming around, but if you look underwater he is swimming furiously!!!!  This is how some of my friends are.  They are swimming gracefully on the surface but man they are paddling furiously underneath!  I am trying to remember, everyone is fighting some sort of battle.  I should not judge what they are doing and how they live their lives.  I am trying hard to be a good friend that listens, offers advice when wanted and is just a shoulder to lean on.  It is so hard!  I just want everyone to be happy.  I know that is an unrealistic expectation of life.

I am going to be totally honest here for a few minutes.  I am angry at this very minute.  I am afraid that God is getting the brunt of this anger.  I hear stories of these mothers killing their children for not going to sleep, crying too much, not listening or basically for being born.  How can God give people children who don't love them, don't take care of them, abuse or neglect them?  I KNOW that D and I will be good parents, not perfect, but we will try our best.  We will provide a good Christian home, filled with love, balance and support.  Infertility does really bad things to people.  It has turned me into this woman who cries over every friggin' thing, who blocks pregnant people on facebook and honestly cried over someone else announcing their pregnancy.  Yeah so that's what I have become...a crying, weeping, sobbing mess that is not asking why me, but WHY NOT ME!?  I am beginning to wonder if God hears me.

I wish infertility was something that people could talk about openly.  I hate that it is such a taboo subject.  I sometimes hesitate to use the word infertile.  I look at it like there are varying degrees of infertility.  Am I infertile enough to use that word?  Have I been trying long enough without success to be called infertile?  Can I use that word since I haven't had any testing, since D hasn't had his semen analysis?  I mean come on...we have been trying for 18 months to have a baby.  I keep trying to rationalize why we haven't been able to get pregnant yet.  D is still settling into his job, I am figuring out a new school, blah blah blah.  I know God has a plan for us, I do.  It is just getting harder to wait to be let in on this plan.  Maybe I am not supposed to know.  This cycle is our last cycle before I go back to the gyno.  I just hope there is a happy surprise for us sometime!

I truly hate that I have become so woe is me.  I really wanted to keep this blog positive, but dear readers, it is just so hard to stay positive.  I will try a little harder next post, I promise!  If you are the praying type, we sure could use them! 

PFFFTTT

That is the sound of all the wind being knocked out of me.  When we started this journey to have have a baby, oh about 18 months ago, I was so naive and D was just excited about the process.  I just KNEW it would happen for us with no problem.  We are good people, we go to church, we both work, we have a home, nice cars, why couldn't we have a baby to finish off our perfect little world?  I am a planner, to a fault, I would say.  My plans are not working out.  This is the first time that I cried over a failed cycle.  I was upset in August, though that had more to do with work than a failed cycle.  I could kick myself each month that I get my hopes up.  But then I wonder if it is better to hold on to some hope or just go into each cycle expecting failure.  Being the eternal optimist that I am, I am not sure that I can go into it with no hope.  I JUST now that it will happen some time.  But what if it doesn't?  That's where I am at tonight as I sit here writing this.  D and I are going to have to decide what are plans are if we can't get pregnant on our own.  To what extent are we willing to go?  IUI, IVF, adoption?  Are we going to be the childless couple that people feel sorry for?  I don't have the answer to those questions.  I don't like questions with no answers.  Being totally out of pocket for any infertility expenses, we will have to save up some serious cash or take out a loan.  Though while doing research, I did find an office that does offer a payment plan with a money back guarantee if you don't come out with a take home baby.  Something to think about.

While we are talking about all of my deep dark fears.  I am terrified of getting pregnant and having a miscarriage.  I mean, I seriously worry about that.  I just know that it happens more than anyone really knows.  People don't talk about it.  When it is going to be acceptable to talk about all of our fears, hurts and needs?  Why is infertility and loss such a taboo subject?  Why shouldn't we talk about it?  Yet here I sit, writing my blog in relative anonymity.  What does that say?!  I am so full of contradictions today.

On a positive note, I did go to the Endocrinologist this week and all of my PCOS markers were within the normal range!  YAY!  So maybe the meds are helping.  My stomach has been feeling better so maybe I am finally adjusted and it will be ok.  Love her heart, as I was leaving, she reminded me to continue taking my meds throughout the first trimester.  I hope I get the chance.

I go back to my gyno in December.  I am so ready but I am pretty sure I am going to cry.  She is so optimistic for us, I would really like to be, but I just can't right now.  She wanted to give me clomid the last time but I turned her down.  I want to have the HSG done before I take any clomid since it won't do me any good if my tubes are blocked and my egg just sits there behind the wall of whatever it is that blocks a fallopian tube.  I want to make sure that the sperm can physically get to the egg.

Which brings me to my next thought,  I am not sure I am truly ovulating.  My temperatures have been wacky so I quit temping for the past few months (I needed a little sanity break), but I am starting back this cycle.  Instead of showing a significant temp jump, I have kind of had an upside down bell curve the last few months.  So what to do, where to go from here?!  I think I am going to continue on with my Weight Watchers and start exercising.  I don't know if it will have any bearing on my ultimate goal but hopefully I will just feel better about myself. 

This has turned into a rambling mess...  So to sum it all up, I am going to keep on chugging along.  Never fear dear readers, I am not giving up on us.  I just needed a good vent.  I am scared that I won't get pregnant.  I am terrified that if I do, I will will miscarry.  I am worried that D will never get a chance to get his SA done.  I am worried about having an HSG and something being wrong or having and it nothing being wrong, the dreaded "unexplained infertilty" diagnosis.  So man, oh man....I am full of worries.  So to me it seems as if I need to hit my knees and get busy praying.  I wish you all the best friends!  I am getting off here to go to bed and rest my weary soul.

Halloween

I went to a Halloween party last night.  I went as Gilligan, D was supposed to be my Skipper, but he did not get home from work in time.  I think I am getting old.  I was home from the party, which started at 7, by 11:30 and in bed by 11:40!  I did have a great time.  It was a very small gathering and it was very subdued.  Very out of character for this party, and this was my eighth year going.  I guess time does change everything.  I am not going to say that it was a bad change, because I still laughed and had a great time, but still it was a change.  The food was awesome and the company was even better.  Since I am trying to maintain some anonymity, no pictures, you will just have to trust me when I say my costume was awesome!

Sunday is our Church Fall Festival.  I know this is going to be a great time.  My church is full of awesome people who really care about our kids having a safe place to go.  My bestie and I are going to do a table together with a Jack-O-Lantern theme.  I made tons of little foam Jack-O-Lanterns yesterday while I was supposed to be working.  :)  We have some cute things to decorate with.  I think I am more excited about these festivities than anything else I think!

Now to the real Halloween.  I have trick or treat night.  I always find other things to do so I am not home.  I don't like people stopping at my house.  I have nightmares that someone checks out what we have and comes back to rob me in the night.  Traveling salesmen do the same thing to me.  That might qualify me for freak status but what can I say, I have no control over it!  I liked going trick or treating as a child and never thought about it.  Of course, I did not trick or treat at strangers' homes.  My mom only took us to people that we knew.  I don't remember getting the bushel baskets of candy that kids get nowadays.  We had enough to MAYBE last us a week if we divvied it out accordingly. I think my brothers ate much more than I did!  :)

I am not sure what kind of Halloween parent I am going to be yet.  Of course, I don't have to worry about it just yet.  I am in the 2 week wait though, so we will see if maybe by next year we might have a little pumpkin!  Keep your fingers crossed and prayers coming!

So readers, do you have a favorite Halloween memory?  Any thoughts or ideas on Halloween?

Thankful Thursday

Today I am going to count my blessings.  I should do this everyday of my life, but I am human and sometimes take for granted what I have.

I have a wonderful family.  My mom and I have a great relationship and I truly enjoy spending time with her every chance I get.  I have a good relationship with my brothers and sister.  We understand each other, we are our own special breed of crazy...haha!

I have a pretty great husband who does everything he can do to make a good living for us.  (He is in the midst of trying to decide to make a career change or not)  I am kind of hoping he does one thing but I think he is going to with the other.  I am not going to complain because he has a job after a year of unemployment!

My friends are so awesome.  Even when they are going through their own issues they still have time to talk and go to dinner.  I appreciate that.  I do the same for them.  I want everyone to be happy (not going to happen, but I can hope!)

I love my job.  I have great kids.  I am getting over having to move to a new school.  I am NOT completely over it but I am working on it.  I am so glad to have other preschool teachers to work with, which is something I have not had before.  I still miss my friends from my other school but it is going to be ok.

I have a wonderful church and church family.  I feel such a wonderful connection to so many there.  It has really helped me become closer to God and live my life for Him.

I just felt after this week of uncertainty for some of my friends that I just needed to look at the bright side and all I have!  I hope you all have a good weekend!

Considerations

D and I have not been seeing much of each other lately.  His work schedule is to blame.  He is traveling Sunday through Friday night.  It has not been fun.  He can't help it, it is what he has to do for his job.  After a year of unemployment we need him to have a job, even if he has to travel.  He has an interview on Monday for a different job, this too will entail travel.  I am thinking the travel will be a little better at least since it will be Monday through Thursday.  D is really feeling some stress and pressure trying to figure out the right thing to do.  When D works somewhere, he works so hard and gives all he has to that particular job until he can give no more.  I appreciate this about him.  However, it sometimes bites him in the butt, so to speak.  :)  So I am praying that he finds peace to do what he needs to do.  He knows what he NEEDS to do,  but he has formed relationships with his coworkers and hates to disappoint anyone.  If he is offered the job at the interview, he needs to take it and never look back.  He KNOWS that, but he is still struggling with the decision.  It has more money, better benefits and better travel benefits.  So if you are the praying type, please send him some thoughts and prayers for peace in his decisions.

On another note, D did not get to come home last night, so I went to visit him where he was working.  We had a wonderful date night.  We went to Target, ate at O'Charley's and watched Zookeeper.  I thought it was really funny.  I think Horrible Bosses is on the date night agenda tonight, if he ever makes it home!  This darn work is really getting in the way of our together time.  He is really starting to feel that.  I know that his travel is much harder on him than it is on me.  I get to be home, he is at a hotel.  I can see my friends, he is alone.  We talk on the phone but it is not the same, ya know.  Last night, we cuddled on the couch in his hotel room, we actually went to bed at the same time and talked, I mean really talked!  We needed that!

We have been kind of grumpy with each other, not in a malicious way, but more in a gosh, what do we do now that we are here together, kind of way.  When D is home, he wants to be home.  I have been home all week by myself, I want to see people, go out, have fun!  He wants to veg in his man cave, I can't blame him.  I would want to do that same thing if I had been gone since May.  So me going and meeting him in a different town last night kind of forced us to just be together without the distractions of home.  We are so guilty of just doing our own thing and not telling the other what we really need.  I am in the living room, he is in his man cave.  I am not a big fan of his man cave, that is where the cat's litterbox is and it is stinky and makes me gag....lol!  So I am here he is there, I don't want to fall into that pattern.  I have decided that I am going to ask for what I need and I want him to do the same.

Sometimes the baggage we carry from previous relationships get really heavy after a while.  I think I need to sit mine down for a while.

Happy Wednesday!

I love Wednesdays!  My kiddos do not come to school on Fridays, so I know that Wednesday means the hard part of my work week is over.  I also love my Wednesday night kiddos at church, they are so precious. 

I was just thinking today that I have so much to be thankful for.  I got to see my family last week and that was much needed.  It was not a long enough visit though.  I had not seen my mom since July, I don't think I had ever gone that long without seeing her.  I do talk to her everyday though.  I appreciate that we are so close now, I don't know what I would do without her.  I love that she is not an overbearing mother.  I can talk to her about what I need to and she will give me advice, but only if I ask for it.  She does not push her views on me.  I tend to be a poll taker...I want to know everyone's opinion on what is going on in my life!  D is just the opposite.  I don't know if that makes it good or bad for our relationship.

On a different note, I have been stressing.  Shocker for those of you who know me in real life.  D is stressing me a bit.  He is uncertain about his job.  It took him almost a year to find this job after being unemployed.  He has an interview on Monday with another company making more money, which would be nice.  However, I am just concerned that he is falling into a pattern of running from a job when it gets tough or things are not going his way, so to speak.  I am just hoping he finds something that makes him truly happy and he will stick with it.  It seems like we are always starting over.  I will just keep praying.

Spa weekend

Every year me and my girls go somewhere for a long weekend.  This year we went to the Stonewall Resort in West Virginia.  It was awesome!  Stonewall Resort

I should start out by saying, I have never had a massage before.  I decided this time I was going to bite the bullet and go for it.  I enjoyed it.  It is not something I feel like I have to do all the time though.  I did have to tell the guy to lighten up on the pressure.  I was sore the next day too!  Fifty minutes is a really long time for me to be left with my own thoughts.  I chuckled to myself several times, especially when he was working on my feet.  The sound of someone rubbing lotion between their hands grosses me out.  I did enjoy the massage, don't get me wrong, just not something I want to do all the time.  I am thinking once a year is good enough for me!  I thoroughly enjoyed the pedicure though!  I could do those every month and be happy!

Since my group of friends have 16 kids between them, it was awesome being able to get away together and just spend the weekend relaxing.  The weather was kind of rainy so it forced us to relax.  Some of my girls are going through some crappy life things so it was so needed for all of us.  We laughed, we cried, we sang and we prayed.  I am pretty sure that made it a full weekend. 

We met some really sweet old ladies.  They thought we were in college!  Since we range in age from 38-mid-twenties, that made us feel really great! I had to laugh when they said, when you get as old as us, everyone looks young!  They were very spunky!

I think the game of Truth or Dare made the weekend very interesting.  Let's just say, the dares were pretty awesome!  It is amazing how a group of girls could go for 3 straight days and never run out of things to talk about.  We did our best to help each other and be there for whoever needed to talk.  I just pray that things work out for the best for my besties!