What a week!

Oh my!  What a week it has been.  D had to go out of town on business.  While he was away, his suitcase was stolen from his vehicle while he was carrying other items up to his room.  In the suitcase were all of his clothes, his glasses, phone charger, toiletries, and fresh baked cookies!  D is a giant and it is hard for him to get all of his belongings replaced.  What I need to mention is that his medications were also in there.  This has not been a good thing at all for him to go for a week with no meds!  His blood pressure was through the roof and his moods are very dangerously grumpy!  He tried telling me he was doing fine without the medication and I called BS!  I could tell by the tones of our conversations, the agitation he felt about silly things, and how he acted towards me in general.  I know that this was beyond his control, but I will tell you, it has been a strain this week.  I was so worried because he kept telling me how good he felt and that he was doing ok without the meds.  I kept thinking to myself, that's what you think!  I told him today that I understand that his feelings are from the lack of meds and that everything will level out once he starts taking them again.  Even though I know the cause so many of the feelings of oh my, I am walking on eggshells again!  I am going to ride this out and keep going but man it is not easy!

I have also been in a mood this week myself.  This stress fracture in my foot is really cramping my style.  I am wearing the boot faithfully!  I have seriously over done it a few days though.  I put together a bench, a mirror and 2 bookcases to put in our entry way.  I have made it into a little reading area with a chair and lamp.  I will post some pictures when I get it all finished and polished!  Pinterest is going to make me go broke!

On another wonderful note, I am going to the beach!  I can't wait to go in April for spring break!  I am going with my bestie, her little boy, and nephew.  I know that is probably not going to be warm enough to really lay out on the beach, but it will be wonderful to smell the salty air and feel the sand between my toes!  We are going to stay here: Our Hotel

The baby front is pretty boring right now.  I think we had pretty good timing this cycle so we will see if it worked or not.  I should start my period around February 5.  I don't hold my breath anymore about getting pregnant.  I guess if the day ever happens, I will be ecstatic and go with it.  The way I look at it now (that it is never going to happen) is for self preservation.

Weight loss front, I have lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks!  I am thrilled!  If I can do 2 lbs a week, I can lose 30 lbs by the time I hit the beach.  I really wish I could get on the elliptical.  I think I am going to try next week, giving my foot a little more time to heal.  I think I will be able to do it since there is very little impact on my foot once I step on the pedal.  Wish me luck!

A few days off

I know this is insanity, but I have NO alone time ever!  D is going to be out of town all this week, I am already off for MLK day and I took tomorrow off too.  I get to stay home by myself all day!  I am so thrilled!  I know this is such a small thing, but oh my, it makes me super happy!  Don't get me wrong, I love D and I love spending time with him, but I need a minute to breathe and not have someone asking me why I am breathing that way!  :)

Oh yeah, I started South Beach again and lost 7.8 lbs the first week.  Yay me!  However, I am not sure week 2 is going to go as well.  I have a stress fracture in my foot, so I am benched on exercise.  Not that I was burning it up or anything, but I did walk Benny several times a day.  It frustrates me since he acts out when he doesn't get enough exercise.  D can walk him at night but with him being out of town all week, that leaves me in a dilemma.  I am afraid we might be mad at each other before the end of the week! 

OK, now let me get the mushy stuff out of the way.  I think I love this silly dog so much because I am worried that we are never going to have kids.  He is kind of filling a void in me.  He needs me, loves me and is always happy to see me!  D loves him too.  He tells me all the time he thinks Benny gives us hugs.  He will sit down and just lay over on you and look up at you like you are the very best thing in the world.  Melts my heart!

Let's talk about babies.  I am thinking I should O on Tuesday.  D and I did what we had to do before he left.  It's not as easy as you think.  Trying to have a baby for 32 months kind of sucks the life out of you after a while, so I have just decided that we are going to have sex whenever and just for fun.  I have not ever really told him when we "have" to have sex or not.  Let me just tell you, that has not always worked to my advantage either.  Neither one of us has a tremendously high sex drive so it is more work than you think.  I think we are back on our way to pre-trying to have a baby sex...I hope!

New Year, New Goals

I am a terrible blogger...I have no excuse, other than I am lazy.  Plain and simple.

Let's see, here is where we are in life.  D has a job he finally likes (or so he tells me), he is on some medication for anxiety, which is making a world of difference in our marriage, and I am chilling out on some things.  Overall, things are much better than they were.  We went to therapy for a while until his work schedule got crazy for us and we had to keep cancelling appointments.  We are still using the tools we brought out of therapy in our daily life though.  I will say this, if you are struggling in your marriage or in life, please go talk to a therapist!  It can make a world of difference!  They are there to listen to you, give you tools on how to cope with life, and to be an impartial 3rd party in your conflicts.  I wasn't crazy about the therapist we were seeing, but I continued because it was good for my husband.

We made it through the holidays with his crazy family.  They are just plain crazy, that is all I can say about them.  His parents had to move last month, the home they moved to did not have a stove.  His sister and I bought them a gift card to a home improvement store so they could buy a stove.  They were not happy with that, they really wanted something else.  Next year, a lump of coal!

His mom told everyone that I have personally ruined their family Christmas by us not being there on Christmas Eve.  We travel to my family's house 4 hours away for Christmas, so no, we are not going to be there on Christmas Eve.  I made sure I asked her before we got married how she wanted to handle holidays, I want to remind her this is what she chose before D and I married.  We stay here for Thanksgiving and go to my family on Christmas.  I digress...

Work is going great.  I still love my job, which makes it so much easier to go to each day.  I often wonder if I should do a different grade than preschool, but then I think about how sweet and funny they are!  I decide, nah, I am good!

Baby stuff, nothing new.  We are working on paying off our debt so we can be ready to pay for treatments if the need be.  Plus I wanted to make sure we were in a good place in our marriage before we brought a new life into the world.  Though I am pretty sure that there is no concern of me getting pregnant without help.  I am ok with it right now.  I think about what we could do if we don't have kid: just pack up and go on vacation, never have to worry about babysitters, we don't have to pay for college or weddings...Is anyone convinced yet that I am ok if we never had kiddos?!  Yeah, me either.  I find myself trying not to look at newborns because I always feel like I am looking at them like I am going to kidnap them, which I am not of course!  I just don't want to look at them and people know that I am longing for a baby as much as I am.  We are not totally out of the infertility closet yet, but I am sure people have a good idea.

Oh we have a dog now.  D found him at a gas station.  He was dropped or ran off from his owners.  We put his picture out but to no avail, so he is ours.  His name is Benny and he is super cute and pretty well behaved overall.  He did eat the leftover roast today from the counter, but such is life.  :)  For your viewing pleasure:

Benny and Angelo

I guess overall, life is moving in the right direction.  It doesn't always seem to be moving as quickly as I would like sometimes, but we all need to slow down, right?!

Umm, yeah, hi

I have been a bad blogger.  Sorry, no excuses.  I guess I don't always feel the need to update a whole lot since there is nothing going on with the baby making stuff.  D is thinking of getting a different job, so we are kind of stuck in this vicious cycle that just keeps repeating over and over.  He gets a job, loves the job, hates the job, wants to quit.  So now his back is hurt and he has not worked in several weeks now.  I am getting frustrated by this whole situation.

GRRRR

I just got home from the beach, which was wonderful, but man life kicks you in the gut after vacation.  I noticed D was not so talkative on the phone while I was away.  I found out why when I got home.  He told me that he is probably going to be fired from his job because someone filed a false complaint with his boss's boss.  Awesome.  D has had a run of several jobs, but none of which he has left before having another one.  I don't know what we are going to do.  I am to the point of just throwing my hands up and crying.  Not going to solve anything, not going to make me feel better, but I think that's all I have right now. 

I am beginning to feel like Job.  This was from my minister's devotional today, it couldn't have been more fitting for us. 

“God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways; He does great things beyond our understanding” (Job 37:5)

“Why Me Lord? I don’t understand; I try to serve you to the best of my ability and everything falls apart. Can you explain to me Lord why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people?”  ...No man in scripture lost more or experienced any more pain than Job. He lost his family, his livestock, his servants, and all his earthly wealth. If this wasn’t enough, his body was covered in boils from his head to his toes. Job’s wife even said to him, “Why don’t you just curse God and die?” (v. 9)

Listen carefully to Job’s answer to his wife: “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble? (v. 10) Job may not have understood all that was taking place in his life, but he knew who was in control.

I am doing my very best to remember that it is not me in control of my future but God.  I have been praying that D find happiness and peace in a profession.  So here is how I am choosing to look at this situation.  God does not close one door without opening another one, so hopefully if D does lose his job, another one will find it's way to him and this is God's way of making it happen.

It's been a while

I know it has been a while since I have posted, sorry readers.  There is not too much to report here lately.  We are just hanging out.  I am waiting to be put on D's insurance.  I have my fingers crossed that there is not a clause about pre-existing conditions, I am afraid my PCOS will throw us in the crapper.  I have been researching reproductive specialists.  I think I have found one through a recommendation from a friend.  She got pregnant on her first IVF, it gives me hope.

I have been working on some crafts and keeping myself busy:

I enjoy making all my goodies.  I have opened up my Etsy shop, but I have yet to sell anything.  I keep hoping!

It's Mother's day

It is yet another Mother's Day that I am not a mother, not pregnant or even have any hope of becoming pregnant. I had every intention of mourning my childless Mother's Day in bed, but alas, I can't. I have to sing at church today, in front of lots of happy mothers. My church is wonderful, don't get me wrong. This is one of those, it's not you, it's me situations. The church gives out sweet gifts to all ladies in the church, which is nice and I accept the pity gift. I know that part of the issue is the fact we are in limbo. We know D isn't the issue, which puts the ball of stress in my court...yay. This month is our 2 year mark since we started trying for a baby. Yeah that was pretty crappy to type. I guess I need to get my act together and move forward. I don't know why I am so pathetic this time, we are not even trying right now since we have some personal things to sort out. On a different note, D has applied for a job offshore again. Since we had our conversation which included,I don't think I can ever be happy, we have he a few more discussions about life and our marriage. Let's just say things have been tense around here. He has agreed to go to counseling, because don't we all have things we can talk about!? I digress, the offshore job seems to be what he wants to do and he says it will make him happy since the money will be better. I am skeptical. I think happiness comes from within, he thinks it comes from money. If D decides to go offshore again, that means 5 weeks gone 5 weeks home. Not ideal but not that horrible. This is the schedule he was on when we first started dating, so it is doable. I dread him being gone not because I am afraid, but I will have to be responsible for his stupid cat, the bain of my existence. If something should happen to his ailing, 13 year old cat while he is gone, he will blame me. I can just feel it. This has turned into a totally random post. There is a lot going on and most of it is not good unfortunately. I pray things work out for the best, but my definition of the best and God's might differ.