struggling

I am not sure why this is such a tough time...well, I guess I do.  I started my period today.  I don't know why I am disappointed, we only had sex twice this month.  Neither time was in my fertile week, so yeah...

I should be happy, I just got home from a great vacation in Hilton Head.  The weather was beautiful but chilly, we were on the beach in sweatshirts and pants!  We had a great time riding bikes, playing putt putt and listening to the waves.  There is nothing better than the salty sea air and breeze! 

I guess I should be happy that I didn't get my period on the vacation.

I am sad, just sad.  I am sad because things are not how I had planned.  You find someone you love, you get married, then you have a baby.  But it just isn't happening.  I am sad that money is what is the main hold up for us.  Why should it be so expensive to have a baby?!  I am sad because my insurance doesn't cover any kind of fertility treatments, blood work, or meds.  I am just sad.

I know this is not the case, but sometimes I feel like I am being punished for something.  I try to be a good person, I go to church, I am a school teacher for pity's sake.  I think we would be good parents.  We both have good jobs, a house, and cars.  Why can't we have a baby?

I know this has been a total whine fest.  Sorry readers.

It's going to be ok

I never realized how much I say, "It's going to be ok."  I truly believe it is always going to be ok.  It may not be exactly how I would like it to, but it is always ok. 

I have had a bit of a tough week or so.  My boss, who I love, called me a little over a week ago to let me know that her mother had a heart attack.  I knew she was upset and crying and the first thing out of my mouth was, it's going to be ok.  She gave me a list of things she needed me to take care of for her while she was gone.  I got it all done and her mom IS ok after open heart surgery.  How do I know it is going to be ok?  I don't know exactly, I just do.  I guess it is faith.  I have FAITH it is going to be ok. 

I think back to when my dad passed away, it was the most horrible thing that had happened to me at that point.  It was hard, but I made it through.  I think of all the good things that came out of that horrible situation.  I found out how important my family is to me.  I live 4 hours away, it's easy to be disconnected.  I found out who my true friends are, they didn't try to make my dad's death about them.  I found a wonderful church home that lifts me up and makes me a better person.

Was my dad's death a bright and shiny spot in my life, absolutely not.  Am I ok?  I sure am.  It took me a while to get there, but I made it! 

Snow Day!

It's a snow day!  An extra day at home to get all the things you needed to get done but don't have time for.  WRONG!  It is an extra day at home in comfy clothes on the couch doing nothing!  It is glorious!  D still had to go to work, so it is just me and the pets at home.  That's ok, because they are lazier than me.  They are both sleeping the day away!  Benny doesn't even want to go outside to potty, I put the leash on him, open the door, and he just stands there looking at me like really?!  Yeah dude, really!  I am thinking of taking a nap in a few minutes and just being a bum for the rest of the day.  It's a hard life, but someone has to do it!

Is it summer vacation yet?

Oh my goodness!  This has been a week!  The weather has been horrendous this week, my kids at work are nuts and D has worked late every night this week!  I have relished in the alone time, but I might miss him a little. 

Benny has acted the fool this week too.  He has been waking up and crying in the kennel at 2:30, 2:45, 1:45....etc.  So I let him into the bedroom to sleep last night so I could sleep all night.  Well that did not work either.  He would not settle in to sleep at all.  He romped, jumped on the bed,  bounced off of me.  He was a maniac!  So I put him in the kennel and of course he cried.  So I told him to hush (lots) and he went to sleep for about an hour and started up again.  So I let him back in the bedroom, hoping he would be calm enough to sleep.  Nope.  By this time, it is around 1 am and D is still working.  He finally gets home around 1:30, but he has all kinds of paperwork he has to do.  It was around 2:30 before he finally came to bed and Benny FINALLY settled down and went to sleep.  The alarm was a rude awakening going off at 6:45!

I don't know when this turned into a blog about our dog, but it has.  I suppose since we don't have a baby, a dog will have to do for a while.

MUST CALL THE RE.  It really is on my to do list, really it is.  I am being a big fat baby, I know I am, but it's hard...runs from blog crying!  Someone hold me!  :)

Poo and other stuff

Benny has turned into a bad sleeper.  He wakes up at undesirable times like 3 am.  This morning, he got up at 5:00.  No biggie, take him potty and back to bed.  All goes well, though he cries it out until about 5:45 when I cave and let him into the bedroom.  That means the cat comes too since the door is open.  (I booted the cat out of the bedroom right after D and I got married.)  Everyone settles back, I reset the alarm and go back to sleep since I have a little time.  I wake up to an awful smell...awful!  I knew immediately that it was cat poop.  I got up hoping it was in the litter box.  It was not.  It was seriously a poopsplosion!  I make D hold onto Benny while I am cleaning up this poo!  I mean the cat walked through it and tracked it everywhere in the house and then jumped on the bed with poopy feet!  OMG, I was livid!  Not only am I cleaning up a pile of poop the size of a dessert plate, now I have to change the sheets!!!!!  So I got it all cleaned up and I still had to take a shower and make it to work.  I made it and I was only 3 minutes late!  That was pretty gross by the way.  NOT the way I like to start a day.  I felt agitated for most of the morning.  I tried to work through it and come out in a better mood.  I think it might of worked.

I still have not made the appointment with the RE.  I never thought it would be this difficult to make a simple phone call.  But it is!  It's like I am closing the chapter on us ever being able to have a child on our own.  I know it is not that way in reality but sometimes you don't think rationally when it comes to matters of the heart.

The life of a dog

Here is Benny, our sweet baby boy.  He makes me happy, so I thought I would share these pictures!

I think you will notice a trend in many of them!

Oh were you sitting here?

Handsome boy!

This one melts my heart!

I love sleeping in my momma's bed!

I don't see a mess...

It's a hard knock life.

This is your pillow and blanket...sorry!

I need a nap after a hard day's work!

What do we do?

So I have been thinking.  That is always a scary thing but I find myself doing it occasionally.  I have been doing some soul searching really to try to decide what we need to do about the infertility thing.  I haven't come up with a plan yet, but I did talk to D about it a little bit.  I told him that the doctor gave us a referral but I didn't know what I wanted to do with it.  It is going to be super expensive for us since we are out of pocket.  I think I am going to call for a consultation and go from there.  It won't cost us THAT much for an office visit, right?!  I thought I would also talk to them about being OOP and see what they can offer.  In the meantime, we will continue to pay down debt.

Now for the soul searching.  I have been thinking and praying about having a baby.  Is this something I really WANT or is this something I just think I SHOULD do?  I don't know anymore.  I know originally I started out wanting it, but as time has gone by, I am beginning to wonder.  I am wondering if I am going down this path for the right or wrong reasons.  I love children, obviously, I work with them for a living.  But I also love my life.  I like being footloose and fancy free.  I know I would be ecstatic if we got PG and had a baby.  I know it would be a tremendous adjustment, but it would be great!  I have also been looking at the other side of things too since being childless may ultimately be in our future.  Is that something I would be ok with?  I know I am using I a lot, I think D wants kids because I want kids so I feel very responsible for these decisions.  I think he would be a great dad, but I think he would be fine never having kids.  I don't know that he would feel the void that I think I might feel if we are childless.

So I suppose these are our next steps:
1. Do not worry,  pray about everything
2. Call for a consult
3. Go to the consult
4. Pay down debt
5. Make the most of life as we know it!