Semen Analysis

I know I have been talking about this forever, I FINALLY made the appointment to get it done!  D is so excited (sarcasm)!  Let me back up to what REALLY led me to make the appointments for him.  We were talking the other day about just life in general, he gets all serious and asks me, "Do you think we are ever going to have a baby?"  Ok, the tears well up in my eyes, thankfully I am folding laundry so my back is to him so he doesn't see.  So, I just tell him I don't know.  It's the only answer I have.  I did go on to say that it truly depends on how far we want to go to make this happen.  He told me that he thought we would go all the way to the "test tube".  I cringed at the wording, but hey, at least he is willing to go through with whatever we need to do.

That leads me to making the appointment.  My Ob/Gyn had given me an order for this a year ago.  I know, I know...I guess I wasn't ready.  Anyway, the place he had to go was about a 45 minute car ride with zero traffic so we decided we would see if we could find a lab closer so he could do the sample at home and take it in.  My doctor also gave me the name of a Urologist because D was having some trouble at one point, which luckily took care of itself.  So I called the uro to see if they could see us since his office was much closer than the other lab.  The first lady I talked to was no help and transferred me to the next lady.  She was super nice, but no help.  Lady 2 transferred me to lady 3.  I am pretty sure I have a girl crush on lady 3.  She was witty, smart and took the time to get me through this drama.  When I asked about the semen analysis, she said they use the same lab as my OB/Gyn sooooo we are not able to get to a closer lab, so D has to provide the his sample in the office.  I am not sure how that is going to go.  I cannot go with him since I have to work.  Should be fun!

I have to say this, it was REALLY tough to make the call to schedule this appointment.  I am not sure why it was so much harder to make this one than all the appointments for me.  I think what I am going to say is going to come out all wrong so bear with me.  I think if I am the cause of our infertility, then fine, I can deal with it.  I feel like I want this more than D, even though I KNOW he wants a baby too.  But if it is D, I don't think he will be able to forgive himself and constantly beat himself up over it.  I won't hold it against him, but he will.  I don't think he will hold it against me if it is me.  What a tricky place this is to be in.

What to do...

You know there comes a time when you say, what do I do now?!  The sad part about that question is that generally you don't have an answer and you certainly don't have an answer that you like.  I have come to that point so many times and I have always just said, I will keep going.  How long can you keep going without any answers though?  I really think there comes a point where you can't keep going.  I am concerned that I am getting there.  I think my frustration level at every failed cycle is getting exponentially higher. 

D told me the other day that he was not sure he fits into the civilian world.  Don't ask me what that means, I don't know.  I asked him what that means and he doesn't know either.  I am wondering if he wants to go back to work offshore, which in my heart of hearts, I know he does.  I think he is a gypsy at heart and can't give up traveling.  He has told me that he is not unhappy but not happy at his job either.  I have tried explaining that no job is perfect or wonderful 100% of the time.  You make the most of what you have and you go on.  Or at least that is what I do and what most of the other people I know do.  I just don't know that he is physically/mentally able to do that.  It's like he holds onto things FOREVER and he just can't let it go.  So here we go, he is thinking of looking for another job.  The amount of stress that is involved in this is just beyond comprehension.

Then you add on the family drama that his family thrives on and it is just too much for me sometimes.  D and I have some things we need to figure out.  I want us to be on the same page on some things and it's like we are on pages next to each other, not opposite but not the same page.  We are not far off but just not there yet. 

I kind of feel like I am all alone.  I know I am not, I have tons of people who love me and will help me through whatever I have going on.  I just have to remember that I am not alone and ask people for help.  It's so hard to ask for help.  Why is that?  We know we need it, we CRAVE it, but yet we can't ask for it.  My goal for the next week is to figure out how/who to ask for help.  I know I need it, but I am not sure what kind.  Do I need it for the family drama, do I need it for the infertility, do I need it for all the above?!  Who knows, but I am going to get it figured out.

Our sermon at church was about this today and it got me thinking.  My synopsis of the sermon:  Moses led the Israelites to battle and if he held his hands up praying they would keep fighting and winning.  When Moses let his hands fall down the Israelites would start to lose.  Aaron and Hur were with Moses and helped him hold his hands up so the Israelites would win the battle.  With their help, Moses was able to keep his hands up and he prayed and the Israelites won the battle.  So Moses knew he couldn't do it on his own, so why can't the rest of us realize we need help?!  So here we go, I am going to figure it out!

Sorry for the ramblings, I just have a lot of heavy stuff on my mind.

Where has time gone?

I cannot believe how quickly time flies (whether we want it to or not!).  So let's see, what has happened since my last blog.  Nothing too much.  Just been crafting a little more and trying to get a little side business going with my bows and totes.  I am sort of afraid of doing it.  There are so many different variables.  I think once I set it into motion, it will be lucrative.  I have a sweet friend helping me get it all sorted out so hopefully it will all work.  The money I make from my new little business is going into our vacation fund!  D and I have not been anywhere significant since our honeymoon so it is time!

Baby front is just hanging out in the same old holding pattern as normal.  I will test on the 16th if no period.  If I do start, then it is semen analysis time.  I can no longer put it off thinking, this will be it.  Denial has been my best friend lately.  But that time is over and it is time to take my future into my own hands.  Wish me luck!

I hope this post finds you all well.  I promise I am going to try to be a better blogger!

BAD blogger

I have been a bad blogger!  Sorry for the delays, what can I say life sometimes gets in the way!  I guess I should say hobbies have been getting in my way.  I have started making hair bows.  I just saw them one day and decided I could do that, so I did!  I have made several different styles and I have even branched out into making bow holders to hang on the walls. Here are some pictures so you can see!

Onto baby stuff.  Nothing is happening.  Nothing.at.all.  I am wondering how long to keep trying.  I know we have not even done all the testing we can do, but I think I am torn on what I want to do.  Maybe we are just destined to be childless people.  I don't know.  I have thought about fostering but then I think it would be terrible to love a child and have it taken away, I don't know if my heart could handle that.  Adoption is so terribly expensive and we seem to be the type of folks that can't catch a break financially so we probably wouldn't get any type of assistance.  So here we are.  No further than we were almost 2 years ago.  The only difference now is that it doesn't feel so life or death.  I think I might just be reaching the point of: ok, so we are childless, let's make the most of it.  Or at least I am there today.  Tomorrow, I might be OHMYGOSH, I can't live without a baby!  That's the joy of trying to get pregnant...the ups and the downs (sarcasm is my second language).

I am getting ready to do our taxes at some point soon.  I know it sounds fun and you really want to be me, but I am destined to have ALL the fun!  Don't be jealous!  I kid, I kid!  I really don't mind doing our taxes.  They are not terribly complicated, but sometimes frustration gets the better of me.   It is just so time consuming.  I paid to have them done one year.  When it costs you more to have them done than you get back...so not worth it!

Here is my parting thought:
Faith, it does not make things easy, it makes them possible. Luke 1:37

Another weekend gone

I love the weekends, but why oh why do they go by so fast?!  I am secretly hoping for a snow day, shhh, don't tell anyone!  I could use just one day at home while D is at work!
So here is where I am in the whole baby making process.  I am currently waiting to ovulate.  I should, if all goes right, ovulate within the next few days.  I am just going to say that it gets hard to be in the mood all.the.time!  Only a few more days and I can rest...lol!
Diet update: I have lost 8.3 lbs in two weeks on South Beach!  We got our elliptical this week and I have been using it too.  I forgot how much I don't love exercise, but I am doing it!  I have to keep telling myself that I am doing this for a baby!  I know this is short, but it is bedtime here in my world!  I hope you all have a great Monday!

What's up?

Not much, that's what.  Just chilling after a wonderful day off work.  D and I did some shopping and came home to just relax.  It was really nice.  His new job is awesome!  He is home every night and has most of the same holidays that I have off.  There have been some good things going on.  I have started the South Beach diet.  I started on Wednesday and my scales are already showing a 4 lbs weight loss!  I am hoping that it goes well for the next few weeks.  My doctor suggested even if I lose 10% of my body weight that it might help with ovulation and hormone levels.  So here goes nothing!  D and I ordered an elliptical because she had the nerve to tell me that exercise was going to help me...whatever!  :)  Ok, I might have known that, but I don't love exercise, but I am going to do it!  I don't mind the elliptical and with it being in my own house I have no excuses!  Plus,they are going to deliver it and put it together!  Yay!  D and I discussed putting it together ourselves but decided with him not getting home from work until 6:30 or 7:00 every night, that it would be too much for him to try to do after work.  I could probably do it, but it might be too heavy for me to move around by myself.

On another note, I am excited that American Idol is coming back soon!

Also, I had my review at work and I got a 6.6 out of 7!  The only areas that I did not get a 7 on were areas that were not in my control, such as facilities, etc.  I am pretty proud!

Last week...

Last week I went to have my annual exam on the 3rd...yay.  According to my chart, I ovulated on the 30th.  I had been having some SERIOUS pain on my right side.  The doctor was concerned that I ruptured cyst on my right side.  She wanted me to have a vaginal ultrasound, so awesome!  So I went to have it done and she told me that if I had a cyst, it had taken care of itself, but that I did in fact, ovulate!  Woo hoo!  So now it is the waiting game.  My chart looks awesome which makes for a very long 2 week wait!  Fingers crossed that this is it for us!