Sunday, May 13, 2012
It is yet another Mother's Day that I am not a mother, not pregnant or even have any hope of becoming pregnant. I had every intention of mourning my childless Mother's Day in bed, but alas, I can't. I have to sing at church today, in front of lots of happy mothers. My church is wonderful, don't get me wrong. This is one of those, it's not you, it's me situations. The church gives out sweet gifts to all ladies in the church, which is nice and I accept the pity gift. I know that part of the issue is the fact we are in limbo. We know D isn't the issue, which puts the ball of stress in my court...yay. This month is our 2 year mark since we started trying for a baby. Yeah that was pretty crappy to type. I guess I need to get my act together and move forward. I don't know why I am so pathetic this time, we are not even trying right now since we have some personal things to sort out. On a different note, D has applied for a job offshore again. Since we had our conversation which included,I don't think I can ever be happy, we have he a few more discussions about life and our marriage. Let's just say things have been tense around here. He has agreed to go to counseling, because don't we all have things we can talk about!? I digress, the offshore job seems to be what he wants to do and he says it will make him happy since the money will be better. I am skeptical. I think happiness comes from within, he thinks it comes from money. If D decides to go offshore again, that means 5 weeks gone 5 weeks home. Not ideal but not that horrible. This is the schedule he was on when we first started dating, so it is doable. I dread him being gone not because I am afraid, but I will have to be responsible for his stupid cat, the bain of my existence. If something should happen to his ailing, 13 year old cat while he is gone, he will blame me. I can just feel it. This has turned into a totally random post. There is a lot going on and most of it is not good unfortunately. I pray things work out for the best, but my definition of the best and God's might differ.