Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving...a little early

Happy Thanksgiving! 

I love Thanksgiving.  D and I are going to his parent's house for lunch and then I am going to travel 5 hours to get to my mom's house for Black Friday.  I am trying to talk her out of going at an asinine hour, but I will do whatever she wants!  I am almost done with my shopping but she has barely started!  I am just happy to be going to see her.  The only thing that would make it better would be if D could go with me too.  He has to work on Friday so it's a no go for him.  I think sometimes Thanksgiving is kind of lost in the hustle of Black Friday.  It makes me pretty sad, yet I fall into the trap.  I am a sucker for a good sale! 

So as not to lose Thanksgiving completely, I am going to count my blessings:

I am so glad for my relationship with God, He sustains me and gives me strength when I am weak
I am very thankful for D, who puts up with my severe insanity due to trying to have a baby
I have an awesome family
Great friends
I have wonderful church and church family
I have a good job that I love (most of the time)  :)
A nice home and vehicle
I truly don't want for much, I have everything I need

I think that most of the time people think they have what they have because of something they did, not the case in my situation.  I know that God led me to where I am today 10 years ago when he put me in my current location.  I had interviewed for several jobs, none were the right fit, until this one.  So I packed up and moved 4 hours away from anyone I knew to take this job and start my adventure.  Don't get me wrong, it has not all been easy.  I have had my heart broken, lost loved ones, made some terrible mistakes and had some pretty awesome times!  I wouldn't have had all this wonderfulness if I had ignored the voice of God.  I am wondering if I am missing God's voice because I am too wrapped up in my thoughts.  I need to stop and listen and see if I can find some answers.  I hope that over the long weekend I can spend some time reflecting and listening for His voice.  Wish me luck, being quiet and still is not my strong suit!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Alone with my thoughts

I am alone with my thoughts tonight.  D is with his dad and sister at a funeral visitation for a one of his great aunts, they were not particularly close, but it is still hard.  I have some anxiety when it comes to going to a funeral home.  I have had some pretty terrible losses.  I lost my dad almost 5 years ago this New Year's Eve and my grandpa and uncle 4 days apart last Christmas and then my step-grandmother in March.   I know this is a part of life, I get that, it is so hard to deal with not just my own emotions but trying to help others get through it. 

I talked to my grandmother last night, just to check on her.  She and my grandpa were married for 67 years and truly had a wonderful love story.  How do you help someone who tells you that they wake up every morning and automatically roll over to check on their spouse and feel a huge disappointment and sadness when they aren't there?  Sometimes I can't talk to her without crying and she almost always cries while talking to me.  I can't help my mom who can't read "brother" birthday cards without crying.  I am a helper, it's what I do.  It is such a helpless feeling.

In my thoughts tonight are some really special people who just need some good vibes.  Have you heard the analogy of the duck?  You know, he looks so peaceful on the surface just swimming around, but if you look underwater he is swimming furiously!!!!  This is how some of my friends are.  They are swimming gracefully on the surface but man they are paddling furiously underneath!  I am trying to remember, everyone is fighting some sort of battle.  I should not judge what they are doing and how they live their lives.  I am trying hard to be a good friend that listens, offers advice when wanted and is just a shoulder to lean on.  It is so hard!  I just want everyone to be happy.  I know that is an unrealistic expectation of life.

I am going to be totally honest here for a few minutes.  I am angry at this very minute.  I am afraid that God is getting the brunt of this anger.  I hear stories of these mothers killing their children for not going to sleep, crying too much, not listening or basically for being born.  How can God give people children who don't love them, don't take care of them, abuse or neglect them?  I KNOW that D and I will be good parents, not perfect, but we will try our best.  We will provide a good Christian home, filled with love, balance and support.  Infertility does really bad things to people.  It has turned me into this woman who cries over every friggin' thing, who blocks pregnant people on facebook and honestly cried over someone else announcing their pregnancy.  Yeah so that's what I have become...a crying, weeping, sobbing mess that is not asking why me, but WHY NOT ME!?  I am beginning to wonder if God hears me.

I wish infertility was something that people could talk about openly.  I hate that it is such a taboo subject.  I sometimes hesitate to use the word infertile.  I look at it like there are varying degrees of infertility.  Am I infertile enough to use that word?  Have I been trying long enough without success to be called infertile?  Can I use that word since I haven't had any testing, since D hasn't had his semen analysis?  I mean come on...we have been trying for 18 months to have a baby.  I keep trying to rationalize why we haven't been able to get pregnant yet.  D is still settling into his job, I am figuring out a new school, blah blah blah.  I know God has a plan for us, I do.  It is just getting harder to wait to be let in on this plan.  Maybe I am not supposed to know.  This cycle is our last cycle before I go back to the gyno.  I just hope there is a happy surprise for us sometime!

I truly hate that I have become so woe is me.  I really wanted to keep this blog positive, but dear readers, it is just so hard to stay positive.  I will try a little harder next post, I promise!  If you are the praying type, we sure could use them! 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


That is the sound of all the wind being knocked out of me.  When we started this journey to have have a baby, oh about 18 months ago, I was so naive and D was just excited about the process.  I just KNEW it would happen for us with no problem.  We are good people, we go to church, we both work, we have a home, nice cars, why couldn't we have a baby to finish off our perfect little world?  I am a planner, to a fault, I would say.  My plans are not working out.  This is the first time that I cried over a failed cycle.  I was upset in August, though that had more to do with work than a failed cycle.  I could kick myself each month that I get my hopes up.  But then I wonder if it is better to hold on to some hope or just go into each cycle expecting failure.  Being the eternal optimist that I am, I am not sure that I can go into it with no hope.  I JUST now that it will happen some time.  But what if it doesn't?  That's where I am at tonight as I sit here writing this.  D and I are going to have to decide what are plans are if we can't get pregnant on our own.  To what extent are we willing to go?  IUI, IVF, adoption?  Are we going to be the childless couple that people feel sorry for?  I don't have the answer to those questions.  I don't like questions with no answers.  Being totally out of pocket for any infertility expenses, we will have to save up some serious cash or take out a loan.  Though while doing research, I did find an office that does offer a payment plan with a money back guarantee if you don't come out with a take home baby.  Something to think about.

While we are talking about all of my deep dark fears.  I am terrified of getting pregnant and having a miscarriage.  I mean, I seriously worry about that.  I just know that it happens more than anyone really knows.  People don't talk about it.  When it is going to be acceptable to talk about all of our fears, hurts and needs?  Why is infertility and loss such a taboo subject?  Why shouldn't we talk about it?  Yet here I sit, writing my blog in relative anonymity.  What does that say?!  I am so full of contradictions today.

On a positive note, I did go to the Endocrinologist this week and all of my PCOS markers were within the normal range!  YAY!  So maybe the meds are helping.  My stomach has been feeling better so maybe I am finally adjusted and it will be ok.  Love her heart, as I was leaving, she reminded me to continue taking my meds throughout the first trimester.  I hope I get the chance.

I go back to my gyno in December.  I am so ready but I am pretty sure I am going to cry.  She is so optimistic for us, I would really like to be, but I just can't right now.  She wanted to give me clomid the last time but I turned her down.  I want to have the HSG done before I take any clomid since it won't do me any good if my tubes are blocked and my egg just sits there behind the wall of whatever it is that blocks a fallopian tube.  I want to make sure that the sperm can physically get to the egg.

Which brings me to my next thought,  I am not sure I am truly ovulating.  My temperatures have been wacky so I quit temping for the past few months (I needed a little sanity break), but I am starting back this cycle.  Instead of showing a significant temp jump, I have kind of had an upside down bell curve the last few months.  So what to do, where to go from here?!  I think I am going to continue on with my Weight Watchers and start exercising.  I don't know if it will have any bearing on my ultimate goal but hopefully I will just feel better about myself. 

This has turned into a rambling mess...  So to sum it all up, I am going to keep on chugging along.  Never fear dear readers, I am not giving up on us.  I just needed a good vent.  I am scared that I won't get pregnant.  I am terrified that if I do, I will will miscarry.  I am worried that D will never get a chance to get his SA done.  I am worried about having an HSG and something being wrong or having and it nothing being wrong, the dreaded "unexplained infertilty" diagnosis.  So man, oh man....I am full of worries.  So to me it seems as if I need to hit my knees and get busy praying.  I wish you all the best friends!  I am getting off here to go to bed and rest my weary soul.