Thursday, February 28, 2013

Is it summer vacation yet?

Oh my goodness!  This has been a week!  The weather has been horrendous this week, my kids at work are nuts and D has worked late every night this week!  I have relished in the alone time, but I might miss him a little. 

Benny has acted the fool this week too.  He has been waking up and crying in the kennel at 2:30, 2:45, 1:45....etc.  So I let him into the bedroom to sleep last night so I could sleep all night.  Well that did not work either.  He would not settle in to sleep at all.  He romped, jumped on the bed,  bounced off of me.  He was a maniac!  So I put him in the kennel and of course he cried.  So I told him to hush (lots) and he went to sleep for about an hour and started up again.  So I let him back in the bedroom, hoping he would be calm enough to sleep.  Nope.  By this time, it is around 1 am and D is still working.  He finally gets home around 1:30, but he has all kinds of paperwork he has to do.  It was around 2:30 before he finally came to bed and Benny FINALLY settled down and went to sleep.  The alarm was a rude awakening going off at 6:45!

I don't know when this turned into a blog about our dog, but it has.  I suppose since we don't have a baby, a dog will have to do for a while.

MUST CALL THE RE.  It really is on my to do list, really it is.  I am being a big fat baby, I know I am, but it's hard...runs from blog crying!  Someone hold me!  :)

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Poo and other stuff

Benny has turned into a bad sleeper.  He wakes up at undesirable times like 3 am.  This morning, he got up at 5:00.  No biggie, take him potty and back to bed.  All goes well, though he cries it out until about 5:45 when I cave and let him into the bedroom.  That means the cat comes too since the door is open.  (I booted the cat out of the bedroom right after D and I got married.)  Everyone settles back, I reset the alarm and go back to sleep since I have a little time.  I wake up to an awful smell...awful!  I knew immediately that it was cat poop.  I got up hoping it was in the litter box.  It was not.  It was seriously a poopsplosion!  I make D hold onto Benny while I am cleaning up this poo!  I mean the cat walked through it and tracked it everywhere in the house and then jumped on the bed with poopy feet!  OMG, I was livid!  Not only am I cleaning up a pile of poop the size of a dessert plate, now I have to change the sheets!!!!!  So I got it all cleaned up and I still had to take a shower and make it to work.  I made it and I was only 3 minutes late!  That was pretty gross by the way.  NOT the way I like to start a day.  I felt agitated for most of the morning.  I tried to work through it and come out in a better mood.  I think it might of worked.

I still have not made the appointment with the RE.  I never thought it would be this difficult to make a simple phone call.  But it is!  It's like I am closing the chapter on us ever being able to have a child on our own.  I know it is not that way in reality but sometimes you don't think rationally when it comes to matters of the heart.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

The life of a dog

Here is Benny, our sweet baby boy.  He makes me happy, so I thought I would share these pictures!

I think you will notice a trend in many of them!
Oh were you sitting here?

Handsome boy!
This one melts my heart!

I love sleeping in my momma's bed!
I don't see a mess...

It's a hard knock life.

This is your pillow and blanket...sorry!

I need a nap after a hard day's work!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

What do we do?

So I have been thinking.  That is always a scary thing but I find myself doing it occasionally.  I have been doing some soul searching really to try to decide what we need to do about the infertility thing.  I haven't come up with a plan yet, but I did talk to D about it a little bit.  I told him that the doctor gave us a referral but I didn't know what I wanted to do with it.  It is going to be super expensive for us since we are out of pocket.  I think I am going to call for a consultation and go from there.  It won't cost us THAT much for an office visit, right?!  I thought I would also talk to them about being OOP and see what they can offer.  In the meantime, we will continue to pay down debt.

Now for the soul searching.  I have been thinking and praying about having a baby.  Is this something I really WANT or is this something I just think I SHOULD do?  I don't know anymore.  I know originally I started out wanting it, but as time has gone by, I am beginning to wonder.  I am wondering if I am going down this path for the right or wrong reasons.  I love children, obviously, I work with them for a living.  But I also love my life.  I like being footloose and fancy free.  I know I would be ecstatic if we got PG and had a baby.  I know it would be a tremendous adjustment, but it would be great!  I have also been looking at the other side of things too since being childless may ultimately be in our future.  Is that something I would be ok with?  I know I am using I a lot, I think D wants kids because I want kids so I feel very responsible for these decisions.  I think he would be a great dad, but I think he would be fine never having kids.  I don't know that he would feel the void that I think I might feel if we are childless.

So I suppose these are our next steps:
1. Do not worry,  pray about everything
2. Call for a consult
3. Go to the consult
4. Pay down debt
5. Make the most of life as we know it!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Doctor Visits

I started yesterday off at the podiatrist's office for a check up on my foot.  I can slowly start transitioning back into a real shoe!  YAY!  After 4 weeks in a post op shoe, I am so glad that I will be able to wear matching shoes and socks.  I know I could have worn matching socks, but I had a dilemma.  I needed to wear a thicker sock to keep my foot warm and they would not fit into my regular shoe, so I wore one regular sock and one thick sock.  I have had to be very careful about what kind of shoe I wore.  I couldn't wear a high shoe because then I limped, let's just say, it's been a pain!  Moral of the story is I am super glad to be going back into regular shoes!

My next appointment was with my gynecologist.  This one was not as awesome.  First of all, I am on my period, so life in general is getting to me more than it normally would.  Plus this is the first time I have had to have an exam while on my period.  Luckily, my flow is super light anyway so it was not THAT horrible.  She told me there was a chance that I might have to redo my pap because the results might not be accurate since I am on my period.  Great. 

Then we start talking about the baby stuff.  I am 34, so it's not like I think I have all the time in the world to have a baby.  I know I am close to reaching that magical 35 mark where everything starts to go downhill (ok, that's a bit dramatic).  So basically she told me we needed to start making some decisions.  She offered clomid, which I denied.  I have not had the appropriate testing done, plus most of my charts show ovulation, so why induce ovulation when I am already ovulating?  I also asked about the monitoring she would do.  Now this was a question I knew the answer to before I even asked.  She told me that she would want me to continue to chart by taking my temperature and using OPKs, no bloodwork, no ultrasounds.  Most gynos do not do proper monitoring for clomid patients, they are in the business of taking care of pregnant women, not helping them get pregnant.  However, I knew this was not the right path for me at this time.  I have not had the HSG (hysterosalpingogram)
to see if my tubes are clear, I don't want to medicate myself to induce ovulation if the egg cannot get anywhere!

She did tell me she could order an HSG but that might not be the best idea for her to do if I was planning on seeing an RE (reproductive endocrinologist).  Often, REs like to do all of their own testing and she did not want us to have to pay twice.  D and I have to pay out of pocket (OOP) for any fertility treatments since our insurance covers nothing.  She told me that really there wasn't anything else she can do for me.  So she asked if I wanted her to give me a referral to an RE.  I knew this was coming, but somehow it still kind of took my breath away.  So we discussed our options, who she would recommend, who I knew about already.  So we decided on a doctor.  When I left, I had to stop at the desk to get the referral.  They asked if I wanted them to go ahead and make the appointment for me, I didn't.  I told them, I wasn't sure when I wanted to go.  So I get the paperwork and there it is in black and white: diagnosis--INFERTILITY.  Why did it hurt me to read that on the paper?  It's not like I didn't know.  I mean seriously, we have been trying for almost 3 years.  That still didn't stop me from crying in the car.

So I suppose it's time for us to decide what we are going to do.  Do I call for the initial consult?  Do we wait until we have save some money?  Decisions, decisions!  All I know is, I am going to pray about it, then pray some more.  That's the only thing I have control over right now. 

Monday, February 4, 2013

An eh day

It has been one of those days where I have struggled to let my light shine.  I lost my temper at work today, which I HATE.  I work with precious kiddos and I raised my voice, not something I like to do at.all!  I have no excuse that's worth giving.  Sometimes they know how to push every button to push you over the edge and I fell off the cliff today.  The beginning of my tumble from the cliff was starting my period.  Awesome.  I knew it was coming since everything has been bringing me to tears, I have a gigantic zit beside my nose, and all I want to do is eat.  So it shouldn't be a surprise, but somehow it always takes my breath away.  Because no matter how I "try" not to get my hopes up about being pregnant, it doesn't work.

Now I will tell you all a secret, each cycle I calculate when I would be 12 weeks along so I can start planning on how I would tell people.  Lame.  So the moral of this story is don't believe me when I tell you that I try not to get my hopes up each cycle because I am a lying liar who lies.

I go for my annual exam on Friday.  I hope my period is over by that point, which it should be but of course this will probably be the period that last 7 days with a heavy flow!  I have no indication that this is going to be the case other than my crappy mood.  I am sure it is going to be my normal 2 day period that will be finished by Friday.  I will probably still be spotting but that shouldn't be a big deal, right?  I have always planned my exams around my period but this one kind of came up and bit me in the!  And of course this is the time that I have the perfect 28 day cycle!

Enough complaining on my part.  I have good things going on in my life too.  I am going to be presenting with my boss at a summer conference which will bring in an extra $300!  That is super exciting for me, I am not sure what I will do with the money yet, but I am sure I will figure something out!

I hope tomorrow renews my light enough to let it shine!

Friday, February 1, 2013

Snow day!

It's a snow day here.  I know only in a rural area in the south would you get a snow day for less than 2 inches of snow!  D is "working" from home today so we are here together.  However that puts me in the situation of not being able to do anything I need to do because he questions me on why I am doing things.  Why don't you sit down, blah, blah, blah!  I love him, but I can't get anything done when he is home! 

Benny is such an awesome dog but if he doesn't start sleeping, he is going to be someone else's awesome dog!  He is waking up at 3 am everyday.  He does go out and potty and I put him right back into the kennel.  So here I am letting the dog cry it out at night!  I have to put headphones on so I don't hear him.  It is really hard to do and I am so exhausted!  I know it is for the best and we have to train him and not let him train us, but I am at a loss!  Of course D does not hear him at all, in fact he said, Benny slept all night!  Umm, no, he slept until 3 when I got up to let him out!

I am currently in my two week wait.  I don't know why I even bother keeping track anymore.  I never really get my hopes up, so I am not terribly upset when I am not PG!  Self-preservation is the key.  I have had a headache for a couple of days now, that's awesome.  I hate having a headache, I rarely get one so I think that makes each one worse! 

I am due for my annual exam on the 8th, that should be fun since I think I will be on my period.  Great.  I am going to get a name for a Reproductive Endocrinologist since we have been trying to get PG for almost 3 years now.  I don't know what I will do with the name yet since we are totally out of pocket for fertility treatments and we are not where I would like to be financially.  I was hoping to be debt free by the end of the year but I have had some setbacks.  There is still hope though!

I go back to the doctor for my food on  the 8th too.  I hope I can get out of the post op shoe.  This has really hindered my weight loss efforts.  I was down 10 lbs even until I gained this week.  Boo!  I am still down 8.6, but still, I am not supposed to go up!