Semen Analysis

I know I have been talking about this forever, I FINALLY made the appointment to get it done!  D is so excited (sarcasm)!  Let me back up to what REALLY led me to make the appointments for him.  We were talking the other day about just life in general, he gets all serious and asks me, "Do you think we are ever going to have a baby?"  Ok, the tears well up in my eyes, thankfully I am folding laundry so my back is to him so he doesn't see.  So, I just tell him I don't know.  It's the only answer I have.  I did go on to say that it truly depends on how far we want to go to make this happen.  He told me that he thought we would go all the way to the "test tube".  I cringed at the wording, but hey, at least he is willing to go through with whatever we need to do.

That leads me to making the appointment.  My Ob/Gyn had given me an order for this a year ago.  I know, I know...I guess I wasn't ready.  Anyway, the place he had to go was about a 45 minute car ride with zero traffic so we decided we would see if we could find a lab closer so he could do the sample at home and take it in.  My doctor also gave me the name of a Urologist because D was having some trouble at one point, which luckily took care of itself.  So I called the uro to see if they could see us since his office was much closer than the other lab.  The first lady I talked to was no help and transferred me to the next lady.  She was super nice, but no help.  Lady 2 transferred me to lady 3.  I am pretty sure I have a girl crush on lady 3.  She was witty, smart and took the time to get me through this drama.  When I asked about the semen analysis, she said they use the same lab as my OB/Gyn sooooo we are not able to get to a closer lab, so D has to provide the his sample in the office.  I am not sure how that is going to go.  I cannot go with him since I have to work.  Should be fun!

I have to say this, it was REALLY tough to make the call to schedule this appointment.  I am not sure why it was so much harder to make this one than all the appointments for me.  I think what I am going to say is going to come out all wrong so bear with me.  I think if I am the cause of our infertility, then fine, I can deal with it.  I feel like I want this more than D, even though I KNOW he wants a baby too.  But if it is D, I don't think he will be able to forgive himself and constantly beat himself up over it.  I won't hold it against him, but he will.  I don't think he will hold it against me if it is me.  What a tricky place this is to be in.

What to do...

You know there comes a time when you say, what do I do now?!  The sad part about that question is that generally you don't have an answer and you certainly don't have an answer that you like.  I have come to that point so many times and I have always just said, I will keep going.  How long can you keep going without any answers though?  I really think there comes a point where you can't keep going.  I am concerned that I am getting there.  I think my frustration level at every failed cycle is getting exponentially higher. 

D told me the other day that he was not sure he fits into the civilian world.  Don't ask me what that means, I don't know.  I asked him what that means and he doesn't know either.  I am wondering if he wants to go back to work offshore, which in my heart of hearts, I know he does.  I think he is a gypsy at heart and can't give up traveling.  He has told me that he is not unhappy but not happy at his job either.  I have tried explaining that no job is perfect or wonderful 100% of the time.  You make the most of what you have and you go on.  Or at least that is what I do and what most of the other people I know do.  I just don't know that he is physically/mentally able to do that.  It's like he holds onto things FOREVER and he just can't let it go.  So here we go, he is thinking of looking for another job.  The amount of stress that is involved in this is just beyond comprehension.

Then you add on the family drama that his family thrives on and it is just too much for me sometimes.  D and I have some things we need to figure out.  I want us to be on the same page on some things and it's like we are on pages next to each other, not opposite but not the same page.  We are not far off but just not there yet. 

I kind of feel like I am all alone.  I know I am not, I have tons of people who love me and will help me through whatever I have going on.  I just have to remember that I am not alone and ask people for help.  It's so hard to ask for help.  Why is that?  We know we need it, we CRAVE it, but yet we can't ask for it.  My goal for the next week is to figure out how/who to ask for help.  I know I need it, but I am not sure what kind.  Do I need it for the family drama, do I need it for the infertility, do I need it for all the above?!  Who knows, but I am going to get it figured out.

Our sermon at church was about this today and it got me thinking.  My synopsis of the sermon:  Moses led the Israelites to battle and if he held his hands up praying they would keep fighting and winning.  When Moses let his hands fall down the Israelites would start to lose.  Aaron and Hur were with Moses and helped him hold his hands up so the Israelites would win the battle.  With their help, Moses was able to keep his hands up and he prayed and the Israelites won the battle.  So Moses knew he couldn't do it on his own, so why can't the rest of us realize we need help?!  So here we go, I am going to figure it out!

Sorry for the ramblings, I just have a lot of heavy stuff on my mind.

Where has time gone?

I cannot believe how quickly time flies (whether we want it to or not!).  So let's see, what has happened since my last blog.  Nothing too much.  Just been crafting a little more and trying to get a little side business going with my bows and totes.  I am sort of afraid of doing it.  There are so many different variables.  I think once I set it into motion, it will be lucrative.  I have a sweet friend helping me get it all sorted out so hopefully it will all work.  The money I make from my new little business is going into our vacation fund!  D and I have not been anywhere significant since our honeymoon so it is time!

Baby front is just hanging out in the same old holding pattern as normal.  I will test on the 16th if no period.  If I do start, then it is semen analysis time.  I can no longer put it off thinking, this will be it.  Denial has been my best friend lately.  But that time is over and it is time to take my future into my own hands.  Wish me luck!

I hope this post finds you all well.  I promise I am going to try to be a better blogger!