Saturday, December 31, 2011

What I learned in 2011

It's officially a new year (and my birthday...yay!), so I thought I would compile a list of things I learned this year.  I haven't thought this through, it might be a short list...haha!

1. Independence is great, but having someone to lean on is even better.
2. It's ok to tell people no.
3. I learned how to sew this year, it has been a really fun hobby!
4. Even though you don't always get what you want when you want, there is usually a silver lining, you just might have to look for it.
5. Have a job you love is a huge bonus, no matter where you do it.
6. Being kind to everyone really does pay off, even if it just makes you feel better in that minute.
7. I am not going to please everyone all the time and I have to just let it go.
8. Even though people don't always know the right thing to say, it doesn't mean they don't care.
9. Infertility is an awful plague, I hope to find a cure one of these days and have a take home baby.
10. God is in control no matter how many times I take my troubles away from Him.

That is a good start.  I suppose I could always add more as I think of them, but this pretty much sums it up.  I hope this year find you with all that you want and need.  Just remember that everyone is fighting some kind of battle even if you would never be able to tell it from the outside.  I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed New Year!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Holiday Fun

I love the holidays.  I love the feelings that come with them, the memories they bring and the goodwill that strangers show to each other.

I also love making the cookies, candy and all the other treats that come along with it.  I had my friend and her little boy over to make cookies.  It was so fun!  He was very into rolling out the cookies and cutting them out!  Icing them was another story.  He iced about 3 cookies and he was finished.  He then proceeded to suck all the icing out of the bags.  It was hilarious!  I am not sure what time she got him to bed after all that sugar!

I found a recipe for powdered sugar icing that reminded me of the icing on the cookies from the doughnut shop from my hometown.  It was awesome!  It made me happy! 
Here it is:
1cup of powdered sugar
1 tablespoon plus 1 1/2 teaspoons of milk
1 teaspoon of vanilla
add food coloring as desired
Mix and spread on the cooled cookies.  When the icing dries, it is shiny and smooth!  Plus it tastes super yummy!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Ugly Cry

We had a special musical guest at church today.  Just let me say his voice was wonderful and his songs were beautiful.  One of the songs he sang was about a couple where the husband told his wife before he died that he would draw an arrow on the banks of the River Jordon pointing the way to heaven and he would wait for her to go and meet Jesus.  So of course being the emotional train wreck that I am these days, I flat out ugly cried.  It just meant so much to me since we lost my grandpa last year at Christmastime.  He and my grandma had been married 67 years and it has been such a loss for our whole family, but especially her.  Right before my grandpa died, he and my grandmother had been in separate hospitals for various reasons. My grandpa got out first and when my mom took him to visit my grandma, his first words to her, "Where have you been?  I have been looking all over for you!"  Another time when he was in the hospital, we took my grandma to visit and everyone else had gone out of the room and I was just standing right outside the door, I overheard them talking.  She was standing beside the bed and he was holding her hand.  He told her that he had been thinking about her.  She asked him don't you have anything better to think about?  His sweet reply was, no I don't reckon I do.  I hope that D and I are as happy and as in love as they were for 67 years.  Just so you know, I cried again while writing this.  I am trying to brighten my mood with Christmas music...but then hearing about a baby that had no crib for a bed brings tears to my eyes too!  Emotional train wreck I say!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving...a little early

Happy Thanksgiving! 

I love Thanksgiving.  D and I are going to his parent's house for lunch and then I am going to travel 5 hours to get to my mom's house for Black Friday.  I am trying to talk her out of going at an asinine hour, but I will do whatever she wants!  I am almost done with my shopping but she has barely started!  I am just happy to be going to see her.  The only thing that would make it better would be if D could go with me too.  He has to work on Friday so it's a no go for him.  I think sometimes Thanksgiving is kind of lost in the hustle of Black Friday.  It makes me pretty sad, yet I fall into the trap.  I am a sucker for a good sale! 

So as not to lose Thanksgiving completely, I am going to count my blessings:

I am so glad for my relationship with God, He sustains me and gives me strength when I am weak
I am very thankful for D, who puts up with my severe insanity due to trying to have a baby
I have an awesome family
Great friends
I have wonderful church and church family
I have a good job that I love (most of the time)  :)
A nice home and vehicle
I truly don't want for much, I have everything I need

I think that most of the time people think they have what they have because of something they did, not the case in my situation.  I know that God led me to where I am today 10 years ago when he put me in my current location.  I had interviewed for several jobs, none were the right fit, until this one.  So I packed up and moved 4 hours away from anyone I knew to take this job and start my adventure.  Don't get me wrong, it has not all been easy.  I have had my heart broken, lost loved ones, made some terrible mistakes and had some pretty awesome times!  I wouldn't have had all this wonderfulness if I had ignored the voice of God.  I am wondering if I am missing God's voice because I am too wrapped up in my thoughts.  I need to stop and listen and see if I can find some answers.  I hope that over the long weekend I can spend some time reflecting and listening for His voice.  Wish me luck, being quiet and still is not my strong suit!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Alone with my thoughts

I am alone with my thoughts tonight.  D is with his dad and sister at a funeral visitation for a one of his great aunts, they were not particularly close, but it is still hard.  I have some anxiety when it comes to going to a funeral home.  I have had some pretty terrible losses.  I lost my dad almost 5 years ago this New Year's Eve and my grandpa and uncle 4 days apart last Christmas and then my step-grandmother in March.   I know this is a part of life, I get that, it is so hard to deal with not just my own emotions but trying to help others get through it. 

I talked to my grandmother last night, just to check on her.  She and my grandpa were married for 67 years and truly had a wonderful love story.  How do you help someone who tells you that they wake up every morning and automatically roll over to check on their spouse and feel a huge disappointment and sadness when they aren't there?  Sometimes I can't talk to her without crying and she almost always cries while talking to me.  I can't help my mom who can't read "brother" birthday cards without crying.  I am a helper, it's what I do.  It is such a helpless feeling.

In my thoughts tonight are some really special people who just need some good vibes.  Have you heard the analogy of the duck?  You know, he looks so peaceful on the surface just swimming around, but if you look underwater he is swimming furiously!!!!  This is how some of my friends are.  They are swimming gracefully on the surface but man they are paddling furiously underneath!  I am trying to remember, everyone is fighting some sort of battle.  I should not judge what they are doing and how they live their lives.  I am trying hard to be a good friend that listens, offers advice when wanted and is just a shoulder to lean on.  It is so hard!  I just want everyone to be happy.  I know that is an unrealistic expectation of life.

I am going to be totally honest here for a few minutes.  I am angry at this very minute.  I am afraid that God is getting the brunt of this anger.  I hear stories of these mothers killing their children for not going to sleep, crying too much, not listening or basically for being born.  How can God give people children who don't love them, don't take care of them, abuse or neglect them?  I KNOW that D and I will be good parents, not perfect, but we will try our best.  We will provide a good Christian home, filled with love, balance and support.  Infertility does really bad things to people.  It has turned me into this woman who cries over every friggin' thing, who blocks pregnant people on facebook and honestly cried over someone else announcing their pregnancy.  Yeah so that's what I have become...a crying, weeping, sobbing mess that is not asking why me, but WHY NOT ME!?  I am beginning to wonder if God hears me.

I wish infertility was something that people could talk about openly.  I hate that it is such a taboo subject.  I sometimes hesitate to use the word infertile.  I look at it like there are varying degrees of infertility.  Am I infertile enough to use that word?  Have I been trying long enough without success to be called infertile?  Can I use that word since I haven't had any testing, since D hasn't had his semen analysis?  I mean come on...we have been trying for 18 months to have a baby.  I keep trying to rationalize why we haven't been able to get pregnant yet.  D is still settling into his job, I am figuring out a new school, blah blah blah.  I know God has a plan for us, I do.  It is just getting harder to wait to be let in on this plan.  Maybe I am not supposed to know.  This cycle is our last cycle before I go back to the gyno.  I just hope there is a happy surprise for us sometime!

I truly hate that I have become so woe is me.  I really wanted to keep this blog positive, but dear readers, it is just so hard to stay positive.  I will try a little harder next post, I promise!  If you are the praying type, we sure could use them! 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

PFFFTTT

That is the sound of all the wind being knocked out of me.  When we started this journey to have have a baby, oh about 18 months ago, I was so naive and D was just excited about the process.  I just KNEW it would happen for us with no problem.  We are good people, we go to church, we both work, we have a home, nice cars, why couldn't we have a baby to finish off our perfect little world?  I am a planner, to a fault, I would say.  My plans are not working out.  This is the first time that I cried over a failed cycle.  I was upset in August, though that had more to do with work than a failed cycle.  I could kick myself each month that I get my hopes up.  But then I wonder if it is better to hold on to some hope or just go into each cycle expecting failure.  Being the eternal optimist that I am, I am not sure that I can go into it with no hope.  I JUST now that it will happen some time.  But what if it doesn't?  That's where I am at tonight as I sit here writing this.  D and I are going to have to decide what are plans are if we can't get pregnant on our own.  To what extent are we willing to go?  IUI, IVF, adoption?  Are we going to be the childless couple that people feel sorry for?  I don't have the answer to those questions.  I don't like questions with no answers.  Being totally out of pocket for any infertility expenses, we will have to save up some serious cash or take out a loan.  Though while doing research, I did find an office that does offer a payment plan with a money back guarantee if you don't come out with a take home baby.  Something to think about.

While we are talking about all of my deep dark fears.  I am terrified of getting pregnant and having a miscarriage.  I mean, I seriously worry about that.  I just know that it happens more than anyone really knows.  People don't talk about it.  When it is going to be acceptable to talk about all of our fears, hurts and needs?  Why is infertility and loss such a taboo subject?  Why shouldn't we talk about it?  Yet here I sit, writing my blog in relative anonymity.  What does that say?!  I am so full of contradictions today.

On a positive note, I did go to the Endocrinologist this week and all of my PCOS markers were within the normal range!  YAY!  So maybe the meds are helping.  My stomach has been feeling better so maybe I am finally adjusted and it will be ok.  Love her heart, as I was leaving, she reminded me to continue taking my meds throughout the first trimester.  I hope I get the chance.

I go back to my gyno in December.  I am so ready but I am pretty sure I am going to cry.  She is so optimistic for us, I would really like to be, but I just can't right now.  She wanted to give me clomid the last time but I turned her down.  I want to have the HSG done before I take any clomid since it won't do me any good if my tubes are blocked and my egg just sits there behind the wall of whatever it is that blocks a fallopian tube.  I want to make sure that the sperm can physically get to the egg.

Which brings me to my next thought,  I am not sure I am truly ovulating.  My temperatures have been wacky so I quit temping for the past few months (I needed a little sanity break), but I am starting back this cycle.  Instead of showing a significant temp jump, I have kind of had an upside down bell curve the last few months.  So what to do, where to go from here?!  I think I am going to continue on with my Weight Watchers and start exercising.  I don't know if it will have any bearing on my ultimate goal but hopefully I will just feel better about myself. 

This has turned into a rambling mess...  So to sum it all up, I am going to keep on chugging along.  Never fear dear readers, I am not giving up on us.  I just needed a good vent.  I am scared that I won't get pregnant.  I am terrified that if I do, I will will miscarry.  I am worried that D will never get a chance to get his SA done.  I am worried about having an HSG and something being wrong or having and it nothing being wrong, the dreaded "unexplained infertilty" diagnosis.  So man, oh man....I am full of worries.  So to me it seems as if I need to hit my knees and get busy praying.  I wish you all the best friends!  I am getting off here to go to bed and rest my weary soul.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Halloween

I went to a Halloween party last night.  I went as Gilligan, D was supposed to be my Skipper, but he did not get home from work in time.  I think I am getting old.  I was home from the party, which started at 7, by 11:30 and in bed by 11:40!  I did have a great time.  It was a very small gathering and it was very subdued.  Very out of character for this party, and this was my eighth year going.  I guess time does change everything.  I am not going to say that it was a bad change, because I still laughed and had a great time, but still it was a change.  The food was awesome and the company was even better.  Since I am trying to maintain some anonymity, no pictures, you will just have to trust me when I say my costume was awesome!

Sunday is our Church Fall Festival.  I know this is going to be a great time.  My church is full of awesome people who really care about our kids having a safe place to go.  My bestie and I are going to do a table together with a Jack-O-Lantern theme.  I made tons of little foam Jack-O-Lanterns yesterday while I was supposed to be working.  :)  We have some cute things to decorate with.  I think I am more excited about these festivities than anything else I think!

Now to the real Halloween.  I have trick or treat night.  I always find other things to do so I am not home.  I don't like people stopping at my house.  I have nightmares that someone checks out what we have and comes back to rob me in the night.  Traveling salesmen do the same thing to me.  That might qualify me for freak status but what can I say, I have no control over it!  I liked going trick or treating as a child and never thought about it.  Of course, I did not trick or treat at strangers' homes.  My mom only took us to people that we knew.  I don't remember getting the bushel baskets of candy that kids get nowadays.  We had enough to MAYBE last us a week if we divvied it out accordingly. I think my brothers ate much more than I did!  :)

I am not sure what kind of Halloween parent I am going to be yet.  Of course, I don't have to worry about it just yet.  I am in the 2 week wait though, so we will see if maybe by next year we might have a little pumpkin!  Keep your fingers crossed and prayers coming!

So readers, do you have a favorite Halloween memory?  Any thoughts or ideas on Halloween?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Thankful Thursday

Today I am going to count my blessings.  I should do this everyday of my life, but I am human and sometimes take for granted what I have.

I have a wonderful family.  My mom and I have a great relationship and I truly enjoy spending time with her every chance I get.  I have a good relationship with my brothers and sister.  We understand each other, we are our own special breed of crazy...haha!

I have a pretty great husband who does everything he can do to make a good living for us.  (He is in the midst of trying to decide to make a career change or not)  I am kind of hoping he does one thing but I think he is going to with the other.  I am not going to complain because he has a job after a year of unemployment!

My friends are so awesome.  Even when they are going through their own issues they still have time to talk and go to dinner.  I appreciate that.  I do the same for them.  I want everyone to be happy (not going to happen, but I can hope!)

I love my job.  I have great kids.  I am getting over having to move to a new school.  I am NOT completely over it but I am working on it.  I am so glad to have other preschool teachers to work with, which is something I have not had before.  I still miss my friends from my other school but it is going to be ok.

I have a wonderful church and church family.  I feel such a wonderful connection to so many there.  It has really helped me become closer to God and live my life for Him.

I just felt after this week of uncertainty for some of my friends that I just needed to look at the bright side and all I have!  I hope you all have a good weekend!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Considerations

D and I have not been seeing much of each other lately.  His work schedule is to blame.  He is traveling Sunday through Friday night.  It has not been fun.  He can't help it, it is what he has to do for his job.  After a year of unemployment we need him to have a job, even if he has to travel.  He has an interview on Monday for a different job, this too will entail travel.  I am thinking the travel will be a little better at least since it will be Monday through Thursday.  D is really feeling some stress and pressure trying to figure out the right thing to do.  When D works somewhere, he works so hard and gives all he has to that particular job until he can give no more.  I appreciate this about him.  However, it sometimes bites him in the butt, so to speak.  :)  So I am praying that he finds peace to do what he needs to do.  He knows what he NEEDS to do,  but he has formed relationships with his coworkers and hates to disappoint anyone.  If he is offered the job at the interview, he needs to take it and never look back.  He KNOWS that, but he is still struggling with the decision.  It has more money, better benefits and better travel benefits.  So if you are the praying type, please send him some thoughts and prayers for peace in his decisions.

On another note, D did not get to come home last night, so I went to visit him where he was working.  We had a wonderful date night.  We went to Target, ate at O'Charley's and watched Zookeeper.  I thought it was really funny.  I think Horrible Bosses is on the date night agenda tonight, if he ever makes it home!  This darn work is really getting in the way of our together time.  He is really starting to feel that.  I know that his travel is much harder on him than it is on me.  I get to be home, he is at a hotel.  I can see my friends, he is alone.  We talk on the phone but it is not the same, ya know.  Last night, we cuddled on the couch in his hotel room, we actually went to bed at the same time and talked, I mean really talked!  We needed that!

We have been kind of grumpy with each other, not in a malicious way, but more in a gosh, what do we do now that we are here together, kind of way.  When D is home, he wants to be home.  I have been home all week by myself, I want to see people, go out, have fun!  He wants to veg in his man cave, I can't blame him.  I would want to do that same thing if I had been gone since May.  So me going and meeting him in a different town last night kind of forced us to just be together without the distractions of home.  We are so guilty of just doing our own thing and not telling the other what we really need.  I am in the living room, he is in his man cave.  I am not a big fan of his man cave, that is where the cat's litterbox is and it is stinky and makes me gag....lol!  So I am here he is there, I don't want to fall into that pattern.  I have decided that I am going to ask for what I need and I want him to do the same.

Sometimes the baggage we carry from previous relationships get really heavy after a while.  I think I need to sit mine down for a while.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Happy Wednesday!

I love Wednesdays!  My kiddos do not come to school on Fridays, so I know that Wednesday means the hard part of my work week is over.  I also love my Wednesday night kiddos at church, they are so precious. 

I was just thinking today that I have so much to be thankful for.  I got to see my family last week and that was much needed.  It was not a long enough visit though.  I had not seen my mom since July, I don't think I had ever gone that long without seeing her.  I do talk to her everyday though.  I appreciate that we are so close now, I don't know what I would do without her.  I love that she is not an overbearing mother.  I can talk to her about what I need to and she will give me advice, but only if I ask for it.  She does not push her views on me.  I tend to be a poll taker...I want to know everyone's opinion on what is going on in my life!  D is just the opposite.  I don't know if that makes it good or bad for our relationship.

On a different note, I have been stressing.  Shocker for those of you who know me in real life.  D is stressing me a bit.  He is uncertain about his job.  It took him almost a year to find this job after being unemployed.  He has an interview on Monday with another company making more money, which would be nice.  However, I am just concerned that he is falling into a pattern of running from a job when it gets tough or things are not going his way, so to speak.  I am just hoping he finds something that makes him truly happy and he will stick with it.  It seems like we are always starting over.  I will just keep praying.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Spa weekend

Every year me and my girls go somewhere for a long weekend.  This year we went to the Stonewall Resort in West Virginia.  It was awesome!  Stonewall Resort

I should start out by saying, I have never had a massage before.  I decided this time I was going to bite the bullet and go for it.  I enjoyed it.  It is not something I feel like I have to do all the time though.  I did have to tell the guy to lighten up on the pressure.  I was sore the next day too!  Fifty minutes is a really long time for me to be left with my own thoughts.  I chuckled to myself several times, especially when he was working on my feet.  The sound of someone rubbing lotion between their hands grosses me out.  I did enjoy the massage, don't get me wrong, just not something I want to do all the time.  I am thinking once a year is good enough for me!  I thoroughly enjoyed the pedicure though!  I could do those every month and be happy!

Since my group of friends have 16 kids between them, it was awesome being able to get away together and just spend the weekend relaxing.  The weather was kind of rainy so it forced us to relax.  Some of my girls are going through some crappy life things so it was so needed for all of us.  We laughed, we cried, we sang and we prayed.  I am pretty sure that made it a full weekend. 

We met some really sweet old ladies.  They thought we were in college!  Since we range in age from 38-mid-twenties, that made us feel really great! I had to laugh when they said, when you get as old as us, everyone looks young!  They were very spunky!

I think the game of Truth or Dare made the weekend very interesting.  Let's just say, the dares were pretty awesome!  It is amazing how a group of girls could go for 3 straight days and never run out of things to talk about.  We did our best to help each other and be there for whoever needed to talk.  I just pray that things work out for the best for my besties!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Update on my Weight Loss Endeavor

I am still working on the Weight Watchers plan, but I can certainly tell that I am "dieting".  I dreamed about cinnamon rolls last night.  I think my subconscious knows there is a tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls in my fridge.  I thought about making them this morning, but I did not.  I decided that 10 points per cinnamon roll is not worth it.  I might make a sugar free apple pie instead.  I am REALLLLLLLY needing something sweet today.  To let you know how bad it is (apparently the dreaming about food is not enough), I have been looking up the point values for donuts, ice cream cones...etc!  I am afraid if I don't treat myself a little, I am going to completely fall off the wagon!  I was really proud of myself for not making the cinnamon rolls, I might need to throw them away so I will quit thinking about them.  I am telling myself that if I can make it through the sugar detox this week, I can make it through anything. 

I am a little worried about the trip I am getting ready to take next weekend. I am going on a "Spa Getaway" with my girlfriends.  I feel like I should explain that I bought all the snacks I am taking before I started Weight Watchers.  I have a box of Rice Krispie treats, tootsie roll pops, strawberry pop tarts and a 2 lbs bag of candy bar minis!  It's going to be a long weekend I am afraid.  Is anyone seeing the problem with the way I feel about food?  I know I have an unhealthy attraction to food, I love it!  I like to smell it, taste it, look at it, and eat it!  It triggers a joyous feeling in my brain.  I might need a 12-step program!  I will keep you all updated.  Thursday is my weigh in day!  I am hoping for at least 2 lbs gone!  Wish me luck!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

So....I am fat

I attended my first Weight Watchers meeting today.  I am overweight, according to my Wii Fit, I am morbidly obese.  It groans when I step on it, of course I tell myself that it does that  for everyone!  So I am going to work the plan and plan the work! Do you know what is the saddest part of this whole deal is?!  I get the absolute lowest number of points per day!  What the heck is that all about!?  Anyway, since I did not know all the new point values for food, I did not plan dinner so I went to KFC to get some grilled chicken, yeah a 13 minute wait!  We all know I do not have the patience to wait for 13 minutes for food!  I need immediate gratification!  I got original recipe and only went over my daily point value by 1 point today!  Yay!  I feel pretty good about things.  I know I can lose the weight if I just write down what I eat and start exercising.  Running my mouth does not count as exercise...or so I am told!  So of course, exercise is going to start on Monday!  I need to find something that is easy on my old lady feet!  Plantar Fasciitis is a horrible affliction!  I loved pilates and yoga the first time I did Weight Watchers and lost 40 lbs!  I have now found those 40 pounds and I will raise you about 10 more.  Not good!  I blame it on being happy.  You know that content feeling you get once things seems to fall into place, yeah...apparently that makes you fat.  Oh wait, maybe it's the ice cream...or the cookies, or eating out every night.  Nah, that can't be it!  :)

So wish me luck, my goal is to lose 20 lbs by my birthday.  I have 15 weeks to do it in!  I think I can, I think I can!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Ever had one of those days...

I was so  totally irrational, but I couldn't help it.  I cried and broke out into hives and it was all over work!  I mean seriously, who does that!? It was kind of craptastic and it made me want my mommy!  My former principal called me and I cried to her about the happenings and she made me feel better.  Not to the point that I am totally happy but better.

On a totally different note, I went to see a play last night and it was hysterical!  It was called "Church Basement Ladies".  I would recommend it to anyone!  I would love to be able to act in a play and be so funny and talented that I was the one people were talking about when they went home!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Happy Saturday!

It's11:30 on a Saturday morning and I am still in my pjs!  It is wonderful sitting under my blanket watching TV!  There has been a chill in the air this week, so of course I have been in the mood for soups so I made us chili for supper last night.  I think the first pot of chili in the fall is such a wonderful treat!  I think I have hit the full fall mode, I will snap out of it when it is 90 degrees next week, but for right now I am enjoying it!  I might put up my fall decorations this weekend...if I ever get out of my pjs!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.  It is a gorgeous day here today, I might eventually get dressed and enjoy it!

Update on D: he is fine!  Shocker that he overreacted to his, ahem, problem.  He spoke with his doctor on the phone this week to let him know what was going on since he is still working out of town.  The doctor gave him some suggestions on things to do to help him alleviate his problem.  That is all I will say about it since some of my readers actually know my husband....lol!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Serously people!

Ok, the little "game" going around Facebook promoting breast cancer awareness, I am ________weeks and craving_______ is making me crazy!  I am not one to copy and paste statuses anyway, but this one makes me particularly stabby.  I think just seeing those words over and over on my newsfeed makes my heart sink a little more each time.  I really WANT to be so many weeks and craving something!  How in the world does this promote breast cancer awareness?  Wouldn't it be more helpful to post facts or tips on how to prevent or check for breast cancer?

On a semi-related note, D comes to me tonight and says he thinks he has testicular cancer.  UM, what?!!!!  We have company this weekend so we haven't even been able to discuss why he thinks that.  I have thought for some time that his testosterone is low but never anything more than that.  I just thought we would have his testosterone checked out when he goes in for his semen analysis.  He has a tendency to over dramatize things and be a bit paranoid.  Oh and did I mention is possibly a hypochondriac?!  He always assumes the worst, we are totally opposites in this aspect of our lives.  I am glass 1/2 full and he is 1/2 empty.  We are Yen and Yang.  We truly do balance each other out though.  I am hoping it is nothing and we go to the doctor and all is fine!  Why would you tell me that when we can't talk about it?  I am trying not to freak out on why he thinks that, but obviously that is not working so well right now.  I am going to pray about it and hope for the best.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A new kind of tired!

I have been back to work since August 4th, however, my students did not return until yesterday!  Oh my goodness, I am tired!  There is a huge difference between just being at work and actually teaching!  The good part about teaching is that I forget how truly stressful (i,e. awful) the first few days with kids are!  I teach preschool and they are so needy.  They come to me babies and leave me kindergartners.  I forget about the tears that accompany them to school.  Sometimes the tears are from the students and other times it is the mommies and occasionally, it's been me!!!!!  I always find it fascinating on how many do not cry on the first day, but wait until the second day when the reality sets in that this was not a one day deal!  I chuckle to myself at some of the things they do and say.  In years past, I have had to remind some students that they are not the boss in the classroom, there is only one boss and it is me!  I wouldn't trade it for the world though, the hugs and I love yous make up for the sheer exhaustion and stress I am feeling tonight!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Sundays

I have a love/hate relationship with Sundays.  First I will start with why I love Sundays.  I stay in bed on Sundays and watch TV until it is time to get ready for church.  It is the quiet time I like to start my week off with.  I pray, reflect and just enjoy the slow pace of the day.  Then I worship with my church family.  I use the term family because that is truly what it is.  I go to a church where members truly care for one another.  We take care of each other and if someone is not there, you call and check if they are ok, or drop a message of some sort to let them know you missed them.  On our way out of church, D and I discuss the sermon, what it meant to us, how we can apply it to our lives and what we need to work on.  I always laugh to myself because D always says, the preacher outdid himself today!  D has not been able to go with me as often as he likes due to some work issues, but today I was happy he did.  We often go out to lunch after church, which is nice since it kind of feels like a date, since we don't have much time together with him working out of town all week.  Since Sunday is my last day before work so I enjoy a well-deserved nap! I am here to tell you, I can tell a difference in my week if I do not start it out with church.  I am grumpier and feel far more overwhelmed by the small stuff.  I think church brings me back to God in a way that even praying and reading my Bible cannot.

Now to why I dislike (hate is really too strong of a word) Sundays.  D leaves on Sundays to go back to work, which is the biggest reason.  You know the crazy part, I lived alone for 8 years before we got together and did just fine, I was NEVER lonely or bored!  Now that he has been around for the past few years, I sometimes find that I don't know what to do with myself.  So I find myself filling my evenings with my friends and phone calls, but it is certainly not the same.  Darn those men for getting into our hearts and minds and making us act like silly girls!  I feel like sometimes I am back in my teen years, you remember the way it goes....you hang up first, no you hang up first!  Ok, We don't really do that but seriously after we have discussed all we have to talk about, we are listening to each other breathe!  Yet we can't seem to hang up since that is our way of being connected while he is away.

Another dislike, it is my last day before work on Monday.  Don't get me wrong I LOVE my job and I am so fortunate to do something I love.  My kiddos come back to school tomorrow so I am a little more stressed than normal!  I keep telling myself that it is going to be fine and the kids will love us and we will not have very many criers!

I hope you start your week out in a way that makes you happy!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Memories

I was driving home from the grocery store, jamming to some tunes when "I Think We're Alone Now" by Tiffany came on.  I am very much a child of the late 80s and early 90s, it brought back wonderful memories!  My cousin is 9 months younger than me and lived within shouting distance so we were together ALL THE TIME!  We would choreograph dances and lip sync for hours in our grandparent's utility room.  We had a battery operated tape player and used hair brushes for microphones.  Occasionally we could get my older brother to lip sync with us if there was a boy part in a song, but most of the time he was way too cool!  It was such a simpler time, never a worry.  We played outside, rode our bikes, had picnics and climbed trees.  We came in at dark filthy dirty with a jar of lightening bugs (fireflies for my readers in other areas of the country).  We splashed in the mud puddles after a big summer rain and rolled down the hill in the back yard giggling all the way.  It is my job to make sure future kids can recall great memories like these!

Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
Aldous Huxley

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Sunshine sweeping the clouds away

I admit it friends, I have been in a funk.  I know it is a shock to most of you...haha!  Things are looking up, not because anything has really changed, but because I have decided that they are going to look up.  My attitude has been stinky and I truly do not like being that way.  So I am changing my attitude.  I am looking at what I have to be thankful for.  My cup runs over!  I have a wonderful husband who calls me 20 times a day just to tell me he loves me, who wants to be with me, do what makes me happy and takes wonderful care of me.  I have a great family that is there for me no matter what.  I have friends who have seen me through thick and thin, a job that I am happy to go to daily, and a church family that is there for me always.  So I am leaving the bitter hag that I feel I have become behind.  I can only do what I can do and I am not going to stress and worry.  God has a plan for us and I am going to trust in Him.  My quote of the day:

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. Nelson Mandela

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

This and that

Anyone who has known me for any length of time, knows I am a worrier.  I try very hard not to be, but I just can't stop, it is my nature.  I think I have worried since the day I was born!  One day old me: "I hope that thing on my belly button is going to be ok.  Do you think it looks inflamed?  Somebody, anyone?!"  I can seriously remember being worried that my mom, who is quite competent and intelligent, would not remember how to get back to our house or that we would not be home in time for my older brothers to get off the bus.  See what I mean, I am a worrier.

The biggest worry for me right now obviously is having a baby.  I did not feel this worry until the last few months.  I am thinking it has to do with the fact that we are now in cycle 14 and D is out of town during my fertile time.  I feel like we are wasting this cycle and WHAT IF this was supposed to be it?!  I am beginning to think I need some therapy and I am only 1/2 kidding!  I can tell that I have not been praying enough.  I need to work on this.  I keep giving my troubles to God because I know He can handle them, but then I take them back so I can worry about them some more.  What is wrong with me!?  I am going to work on this as my personal goal this week.  Pray more, worry less!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Here we go again!

It is time for another work week.  Where does the weekend go?!  We had an awesome weekend.  We celebrated D's birthday this weekend.  I cooked a big meal and his parents, sister, brother in-law and 1 year old nephew came over.  It is so sweet watching D with his nephew.  He plays with him and picks him up all the time!  He even put him to sleep this weekend!  It was so cute, I had rocked the baby, his mommy had laid down with him and finally D just told us to give him to him.  So we did and he just went and laid him on our bed and he just went right to sleep.  It probably was a coincidence, but D was so proud of himself!  They stayed all afternoon, which is unusual.  His parents were ready to leave well before his sister and she made them wait for a while before she left!  I was chuckling to myself when she told me under her breath that if they wanted to leave, then they should have driven themselves!  I was dying!  There are some interesting stories about his family that I won't go into right now, but let's just say, I am so happy we live away from them!

I hope you all have a great week and before we know it, it will be the weekend again!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Shew!

So the severe PMS/overreactions are over!  I am so glad because my poor eyes (and sanity) could not handle any more tears!  After some reflection, I realized that my total week long meltdown was not ENTIRELY over not being pregnant.  I know some of it was because, let's face it, I am not getting any younger and I want a baby so badly!  I do think the majority of my emotional eruptions were from going back to work.  Let me start at the very beginning of this story.

When I graduated from college in 2001 I moved 4 hours away from everything and everyone I knew when I took this teaching job.  I have worked in the same school, same room and with the same people for 10 years....until now.  My district built a brand new Early Childhood Center, which is awesome, BUT, and there is always a but, I am leaving the people and place that I love.  I feel like I am leaving everything that is familiar to move to a different school.  I am leaving the people who have seen me through the heartbreak of losing my dad, grandpa and uncle.  They have seen me through the joyous time of building my house, getting married and so much more.  I went back to help on the first day since my kiddos do not start for a few more weeks.  I don't know what was worse, leaving at the end of the year or going back to help and knowing I couldn't stay.  I know to most people this sounds like it is petty and small, but I feel like I am leaving my family!  I know that I am going to see my friends at district wide events and so much more, but it is so hard knowing that I am not going to see them on a daily basis.

I do want to say there are many positives about moving to the new classroom.  I don't want that to go unsaid.  I am ecstatic about the new technology and awesome new room.  I am so happy to be working with other preschool teachers and being able to collaborate and bounce ideas off of others.  It just made me sad knowing I would not see the people I love so much  every day.  You add that on to PMS and the disappointment of not being pregnant, I was flat-out a hot mess!  I am much better now and I will make the most of the situation I am in.  I will count my blessings and try to be a positive ray of light for others during this difficult time for me and the 2 other teachers who have moved to a new school also. 

Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.
Samuel Smiles

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Limbo

limbo1n pl -bos
an unknown intermediate place or condition between two extremes

I hate being in limbo.  You know the feeling...you can hear the outside world, but you are not awake enough to be able to interact.  I was that way last night.  I could hear the TV and knew I needed to shut it off, that is D's job when he is home.  I could hear it and was incorporating it into my dreams!  It was making me crazy!  I can remember telling myself to wake up, get out of this crazy dream!  I would go back to sleep and go right back into the dream again!  I woke up this morning feeling less than refreshed!  I think I know the reason for all this craziness, school is getting ready to start.  I never sleep a solid sleep the week before school starts.  I get jitters just like the kids do before starting school.

***Caution the passages below were written during what I believe is severe PMS and a possible pity party, read at your own risk! =)***

On the baby making front, I am not sure were we are, other than limbo.  I have been spotting for 3 days now, my temperatures are still well above the cover line and got a negative test today.  So now it is just a waiting game, aka, the limbo.  Insert the "Limbo Rock" by Chubby Checker right here!  In my rational mind I know that I am going to start my period, probably within the day, but there is that one piece of my silly romantic heart that wants this to be it so very badly that I just can't let the dream go. 

I am an optimistic person by nature, this serves me well most of the time.  Today the optimism is making my heart ache for something may never be.  We have been trying for a baby for 13 cycles or 14 months or 435 days.  That seems unreal when I break it down to days.  I have said all along that it will happen for us when it is supposed to and that God has a plan for us.  The reality of "what if" it is not in God's plan for us to have a baby has just recently started to sink in.  D and I have discussed adoption briefly, why briefly you ask?  We never thought we would need to think about it wholeheartedly.  We just KNEW that we would have a baby of our own.  I have been thinking a lot about how long we are going to actively try for a baby.  I am not ready to quit yet, but sometimes I wonder if my optimism is playing with my mind.  D is super great about the whole issue, he is interested and does his part.  I am the one starting to feel like I am letting him down every cycle that fails.  He has never done anything to make me feel this way, I am just the one that is carrying the burden of feeling that I am somehow "defective".  I know rationally that I am being silly, but emotions are a tricky thing for me, especially at this time of the month! 

I am beginning to think we are going to have to discuss our options.  My insurance does not cover any kind treatments for infertility and you and I both know they are expensive.  I guess we have to decide just how far we want to go to have a baby.  How do we decide that?  It's kind of like putting a price tag on your most valuable possession, or at least that is how I feel about it.  Like so many things in life, it all comes down to money.  Are we willing to mortgage our home, sell a car for treatments that are not guaranteed?  I know that I would be physically willing to do what needed to be done: shots, medicine, ultrasounds, etc., but unfortunately, that is not all that it entails.  I think I am just incredibly sad today that we are in this situation.  I have been an emotional wreck that past few days.  I am not sure if it is because I am getting ready to start or if it is because the reality of our struggle is setting in, but whatever it is I feel like a weepy lunatic!

So limbo....that's where we are.  I sincerely hope we do not stay here forever!  This turned into more of a "woe is me" post than I intended.  Sorry dear readers, I promise my next post will be better! 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Planet of the Apes was a tearjerker...

Ok, so probably not for everyone, but it sure was for me! (Do not read any further if you do not want to know what happens in the movie)  I seriously cried through at least 1/2 the movie!  I am sure it was because the movie was incredibly sad...yeah, I am SURE that was it.  It couldn't have anything to do with me being totally over emotional, no that couldn't be it AT ALL!  First let me say that I know the "animals" used in the movie were not real, but I cried when they did animal testing...on fake animals mind you.  I cried when Caesar's, the main chimp, mother dies.  I also nearly sobbed ugly sobs when Caesar is trying to protect Will's father, and then again when Will's father dies.  I also cried at several other spots, but there are just too many to list.  I will say this about the movie, it was very good.  I actually liked it, surprisingly, I might add.  It was not my first choice of movie.  The realistic ways the chimps acted, the emotions portrayed, etc were all great!  I would recommend it, but just not when you are at the end of your 13th cycle and an emotional wreck!

I started spotting today so I am sure that I am totally out this cycle.  I will just wait until I start tomorrow to make it official on Fertility Friend.  So in mourning of another cycle down I am making my favorite comfort food for dinner!  I think it is time for us to make the next step and get D in for a semen analysis and possibly some blood work.  Wish us luck!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Losing confidence this cycle

I was so optimistic this cycle.  I knew from the very beginning that getting my hopes up could lead to massive disappointment.  I am usually of the mindset of, without hope, what is there.  I think I might have to change this thought while trying to get pregnant.  You know the crazy part is I am not even totally out this cycle, but my temperature is falling so I am sure it is just a matter of time.
Here is where my thoughts are heading right now.  I think D REALLY needs to get a semen analysis.  I am beginning to get concerned that he has low testosterone.  I looked on Dr. Google.  I know better, but it is something I have been thinking about for a while.  He told me tonight that he thinks he might be feeling depressed, which is a sign.  I don't exactly know how to approach the subject with him.  I might just ask him to do the semen analysis since this is something we have already discussed.  I am sure that will tell us what we need to know and if not we will go from there.  The problem is that he is working out of town and is not in town during business hours to get the test done!  GRRR, my frustration is growing!
On a totally unrelated note,  I had to go to a training today and yesterday and it was awesome!  It was all about how simple movement activities can change children's lives!  It was all about retraining their vestibular system, which effects the whole body!  It just confirmed what D and I think about TV/video games, we are not going to have either one in our child's room.  We want our kids to get outside to run and play, ride bikes, and develop an imagination.  So Monday means that I am back to work for another school year, I just hope I get to finish it on maternity leave this year!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

A Quote

“Expecting life to treat you well just because you’re a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge you because you’re a vegetarian.”  (I don't know who said it or wrote it)

I found this quote very funny, and not really haha funny.  I often hear this from people, "Why is this happening, I am a good person?!" Yeah, well sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Sometimes good things don't happen to good people.  Here is how I look at life.  Bad things are going to happen, that's life.  It is how you choose to handle the experience and how you use it in the future that makes you who you are. 

I try not to judge people, and I say try, since I am only human.  You never know the weight of the burdens that person is carrying with them.  In case you are wondering, I am a glass is half full type of gal.  I think that is one of my better qualities.  I had to actively become this type of person.  I did not have an idealistic childhood, my parents were divorced, we were poor, and there were just several other happenings that kept it from being perfect.  I could have easily have decided to wallow in the past and become bitter about what we didn't have, but I know my parents did the best they could and that's why I work as hard as I do.  I want to provide more for my future children.  No matter how poor we were, there was NEVER a time that I wondered if my parents loved me, I knew.  They showed me in all they ways they could.  They showed me in ways that were not monetary.  They gave hugs and kisses, provided  for my basic needs and so on.  We had picnics, went to the park, played games, and spent time together.  I hope I can be as good of a parent to my future children as my parents were to me. 

I do know, even though I am a "good person", that I might not be able to have my own child.  If that is the case, D and I will cross that bridge when we get to it.  We know that we are no more "deserving" than anyone else.  Whatever is in store for us, we will make the most of it and remember the bull doesn't care if we are a vegetarian!

Friday, July 29, 2011

What a week!

I went to visit my family this week.  I had a great time but I came home VERY tired!  My sister and her husband are raising their grandson.  He is 21 months old, don't ask why they are raising him....we will just say stupid is hard to overcome.  So my BIL had to have knee surgery this week so they needed someone to watch the baby.  My mom and I were up for the challenge.  First I just have to say, he was the BEST baby I have ever watched.  If he started having a mini-meltdown, all I had to do was say, that's enough and he would quit!  It was insane!  We went for walks, he colored in his coloring books, he watched some little cartoons, and played with the toys.  He went to sleep on his own and even told me when he was tired and ready for bed.  It was so wonderful and enjoyable!  I will admit, it makes me long so much for my own baby.  I am starting to feel quite desperate.  We have been trying for 13 cycles, 14 months.  Other people are starting to "lap me".  I got a facebook message from a quasi friend telling me they are pregnant with number 2.  We are not great friends so I don't understand why he felt the need to tell me personally.  Oh well, I just have to remember that other people being pregnant is not keeping me from getting pregnant.

On a totally different note, I am so not ready to go back to work on the 4th...I have not had enough summer vacation!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Staying busy...

I like to be busy.  It is just my nature.  My mom jokes I minored in socialization in college!  I like to do things with others: lunch, shopping, working out, etc. I have several hobbies that I like to do alone like sewing and reading, etc, but I am not one to go to the movies or out to eat by myself.  That's just me.  Take it or leave it. However, I was never bothered to live by myself since I was surrounded by friends at other times.  I am a social butterfly that loves alone time..what can I say, I am a contradiction.

I have been "alone" for the past week since D has been working out of town.  He is going to be working out of town for awhile.  I have decided that I don't love this.  I am so happy he is working and loving his job but for the first time in my life....gasp: I have been a little lonely.  Don't tell him...haha!  I miss having him here when it is time for dinner, time for bed, watching TV together and all the other little things.  We have officially become the "old married couple".  The bad part is he is going to be gone through the week, home on the weekends, for a while.  The good news, I guess, is that I am going back to work in 2 weeks.

Speaking of going back to work, I am stressed about it.  I have moved to a different school.  I am leaving my friends of 10 years.  I am going to be working with all the other preschool people in my district, which is awesome.  But you know how there is "one in every crowd", we have one of those.  She is negative and talks bad about others.  I have made the decision that I am going to be the shining light.  I have decided that I am going to be the positive person even if it kills me!  It is going to be tough but I am up for the challenge.  Wish me luck!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Day 30--Goals and Aspirations for the next 365 days

1. Become even closer with my husband
2. Become a better Christian
3. Have a baby
4. Call my grandmother more often
5. Be the best teacher I can be
6. Be a positive influence in the lives of others
7. Read my Bible at least 4-5 times a week
8. Take time to appreciate the really great things I have in my life
9. Lose 30 lbs (if the baby thing is a no go or even if it is)
10. To not forget to take time to do what I need to do for me

This may seem like a totally random list and it is....but it works for me!  I totally realize that day 30 should have been finished back in April....but it didn't happen, so here it is!  I am sure if I sat here long enough I could think of a million more things to add!

Monday, July 18, 2011

I am frustrated again....

Apparently having sex is part of the requirements for making a baby....
D just called me to say that he has been given the floater position at his job, which is great but...There is always a but isn't there?!  That means he is going to be working out of town for the next few months.  He is not sure he will even be able to make it home on the weekends.  I am upset for various reasons.  Obviously the first reason is that I am going to miss him like crazy...I have gotten used to him being around all the time.  I have managed to fill most days while I am on summer break with friends and my new sewing hobby.  But today was different, my friends were all busy and I just felt incredibly lonely today.  Reason two is I would like to have a baby and that means his sperm and my egg need to meet and at this time we are still trying to have a baby the old  fashioned way.  Reason three is I hate taking care of his stupid cat.  The cat and I tolerate each other, but there is no love lost between the two of us.  I hate cleaning the cat box!  Ok, so reason three is trivial, but the other two are for real and serious!

I am sure I am stressing over nothing.  I know his job is very important and he loves it.  I am particularly happy that he has a job after a year of unemployment.

On a good note...D and I had a great anniversary getaway.  What we learned while we were away: we are too old for amusement parks.  However, the weekend was glorious and stress free!  We had a blast at a major league ball game.  We cheered for opposite teams, but that was ok.  His team won and I let him gloat about it for a few minutes, but that was it!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Frustration

This has been a tough week for me.  I was so hopeful for our chances of being pregnant.  It was going to be perfect, I was going to test on Sunday the 10th so I could tell D on the 11th, which happened to be our anniversary.  See, perfect I say!  Until it wasn't.  I started on Sunday, so I felt like a failure.  D has NEVER made me feel that way, it is a pressure that I put on myself.  So we have started cycle 13.  Thirteen can be lucky right?!
On another note, I got a bill in the mail for blood work this week.  YIKES! is all I have to say about that!  $1611 for blood work!!!  Come to find out my insurance company immediately boots anything regarding PCOS out as they label it infertility.  My insurance does not cover anything infertility related at all.  So after about 10 phone calls later, my doctor's office said they would take care of it.  The office manager warned me it could take up to two months for it to go through but not to pay the bill.  That worries me...I never just let a bill go.
Apparently I was glutton for punishment this week.  I called the insurance company for a second time to check to see if an HSG is covered (knowing the answer).  After pushing seven hundred buttons and listening to a million different menu options, I finally get a real person.  She tells me she can't tell me anything about the HSG without a code from my doctor's office.  I call my ob/gyn's office.  I am transferred to 5 different people before speaking to a very helpful lady.  She told me that an HSG is not covered by my insurance since it would be coded as infertility.  She did tell me to talk to my doctor and that she would  try to help me how she could to get the test down at a reduced rate, etc.  I am not going to lie, when I hung up I cried.  Not so much because the test is not covered but just from the sheer frustration that I felt from this whole mess.
D and I are going to have to make some decisions on how far we want to go with trying to get pregnant.  I do know that D is going to have to have a semen analysis done, which he has agreed to, it is just getting the appointment set up.  I want to have the HSG done one way or another.  I have researched the cost of IUI if it comes to that and it is doable if we have to pay out of pocket.  With no infertility coverage, we are not going to be able to do IVF.  So here we are, 13 cycles in and still no baby.  I am trying to stay hopeful and be the eternal optimist, but I have had to hide all the pregnant people from my facebook feed, lame I know.
That was quite the ramble, but here's to cycle 13 and finding some hope!

Day 29--A person I love

I will go with the normal list of folks: my husband, my parents, my siblings, etc.  I can't choose just one, I am a people person.  I love being around big groups and socializing.  I think everyone has a great story to share, even if they think it is nothing, I am fascinated!  For example, I had dinner with a friend tonight.  While at the restaurant, an older gentleman she knows from her childhood sat down with us.  He was funny and kept us quite entertained during our meal!  He told of his childhood, going to a one room school house, various teachers, and what life was like.  He told of a teacher from the 30s who was as he put it, 5 foot by 5 foot and meaner than a rattlesnake!  He was telling of how she whipped a boy on his legs.  When the boy left school that day, he told the teacher that she would be hearing from his daddy the next day. She politely replied, I will lose sleep from worry!  I am sure you couldn't intimidate that woman!  So the next morning the dad rode up on his horse.  He said, I hear you had some trouble with my boy.  She said yes and if you get down from that horse I will whip you just like I did him!  The dad told her, I think you have things under control and rode off!  As a teacher, I am somewhat mortified yet strangely empowered by that story. 
As usual, I have gone off on a tangent and am unable to commit to only one person...  I will leave it at this: even though tonight was the first night I had ever met this random old man, I found him quite fascinating and enjoyable!  I love small town life where you go to the local restaurant and everyone knows everyone else and you can enjoy a meal and a nice story!  Tonight I love the random old guy that ate dinner with me and my friend!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Day 28--A place I love

I love the beach.  There are so many reasons why.  The sun, the smell, the sounds, it is all glorious and so relaxing (minus the stupid birds!).  Something you have to understand is that I must enjoy the beach from under an umbrella with super SPF and a hat! Yet, somehow I manage to still get sunburned.  I guess I am a glutton for punishment!  We went to the beach for our honeymoon and it was wonderful!  I hope to go back before too long!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Day 27--A child I love

I teach preschool.  There is no way I can choose only ONE!!!  I will tell you why I love all children.  Kids can be so funny without even trying.  For example: my 3 yr old niece does not like men or boys and has decided that they cannot come to her birthday party, which mind you is not until July.  Her mom told her that if she didn't want any boys that her Papa couldn't come.  She thought about it for a minute and said, he can come, we just won't tell he is a boy!  That is not something she thought up to be funny, it just was!  Another funny from her: she is completely infatuated with toots.  We were in the car and she asked me if I tooted and I politely said no I did not thank you very much.  She, without skipping a beat says, I did!

Another reason I love kids is because they love to learn new things.  I love to see the excitement in their eyes when they figure out how to do a new puzzle or build an awesome tower in blocks.  I truly makes what I do worthwhile!

Kids love you unconditionally.  I run a very tight ship in my classroom.  I think my students are so much better off because of it.  Sometimes it is the only structure they have in their life.  I get a hundred hugs and I love yous in a day.

I could go on and on, but I won't.  Those are just a few reasons why I love all kids!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Slacker

I know, I know!  I have been a huge blogger fail this past month!  This is a really busy time for me at work.  The last few weeks of school are killers!
There is not too much to update.  We are still trying for a baby.  I got really sick at the beginning of this cycle and it has thrown EVERYTHING OFF!  I don't think I am going to ovulate this cycle at all, which of course means no egg to meet sperm.  That is disappointing.  I am going to wait it out and see how long this cycle turns out to be and if it gets close to 60 days, I am going to call my doctor.  I hope it won't come to that, but I have options.
Summer vacation has started and I am just going to relax and do some things around my house and enjoy it!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Why my mom is great.

My mom and I have an awesome relationship now.   However, it has not always been that way.  I chose to live with my dad during my high school years.  My mom had recently moved in with her now husband and it was just not working for me.  So, I left.  Never once did she treat me any differently or throw it into my face when things were not going well with my dad.
She has loved me and my 2 biological brothers, 2 step brothers, and step sister all unconditionally.  She still hugs us and gives us a kiss before bed and I am 32!  She makes us all feel special and that we are a valuable part of the family.
She is not the kind of mother that puts her nose where it doesn't belong.  She waits for us to volunteer any information and she asks the appropriate questions and no more.  Granted, I don't give her much of an opportunity to HAVE to ask...lol.  I volunteer almost everything!
I love watching my mom be a wonderful grandma to my nieces and nephews.  I just see what my future babies have to look forward to.
I love you Mommy!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Day 26--A funny story (true)

As I have mentioned before, I am terrified of birds.  So this is going to be another bird story.  I was trying to get in shape after I started college.  The freshmen 15 hit me hard...too much Papa John's.  My roommate and I decided to go running.  My college had a footbridge over a busy street that had several trees at the very end.  We took the first step off the bridge next to the trees and out comes this tremendous flock of birds!!!  Ok, the terror immediately sets in!  I take cover in the tuck and roll position and end up rolling all the way down the hill into the parking lot below!  Luckily there was a nice concrete parking block to stop me.  I just turned around and walked back to my room.  That was enough running for me that day!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Day 25--A favorite photo

I am doing a series of 3 pictures.  I took these of my niece after her bath right before bed.  She has been caught red handed in the cookies.

Hi Auntie

Cookies, I haven't seen any cookies.  I don't know what you are talking about.

Oh you were going to let me have the cookies?  You're not mad, whew!  What a relief!

Of course I am biased, but I think she is the cutest thing EVER!  I am not sure how she got all that on her face and none on her whit pajama top, but she did it!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Day 24--A travel story

I am sure everyone has had the kind of trip where everything has gone wrong.  I had gone to visit my aunt and uncle in Alabama, the same one mentioned in the funny story post.  My flight down was delayed by hours, completely cutting out my layover, I am now running through the Atlanta airport trying to make my connection!  I get down to Alabama and we have a fantastic time, that is until it is time for me to go home.  My flight home is  canceled, I had to be put on another one, which the airlines did not want to cooperate with.  I get on my flight, my luggage does not.  I get to my final destination and my friends, who were waiting on me, seriously tell me, you have 5 minutes to whine and that's it!  So I take all 5 and just let it rip!  On the way home, we get pulled over since my friend was exhausted from waiting on me to get home all friggin' day!  The officer thought he was drunk!  So we finally make it home about 12 hours later than originally should have.  My luggage finally makes an appearance about 2 days later!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A health update

I went to my gynecologist today as a follow up to my PCOS diagnosis and visit with the endocrinologist.  It went well overall.  She talked about all the options and discussed the possibility of seeing a Reproductive Specialist.  I declined that at this time since I have only  been on the metformin for a few months and my insurance does not cover any infertility treatments.  She looked at my charts and said they "looked" like I was ovulating before but she wasn't positive.  She liked the ones since metformin much better and feels for certain that I am ovulating (blood work confirmed it).  She also discussed an HSG, a procedure to see if my fallopian tubes are blocked, and D doing a semen analysis.  She also offered a prescription for clomid.  I discussed my concerns about that with her and since I am ovulating on my own and don't really want multiples, that is not an option right now.  I declined all other treatments right now since I want to give my body a chance to get used to the metformin and see what happens.  It will also give us a chance to save up some money for any future testing, if we need it.  Overall, I felt it was very positive and she was not pushing me into any kind of testing that I wasn't ready for.  She also went ahead and gave me the order for the SA, just so we would have it if we wanted it if/when we were ready for it.  As she said, all she is out is a piece of paper.  I don't really feel like I am any further along than I was, but I know she is supporting us in what we want.  At least now, I know what my options are.

Day 23--A video

During the zoo unit, I found this video on YouTube to show my preschool kiddos.  They laughed and laughed, but remember they are four and saying underwear makes them bust out into hysterical laughter!  It is cute, innocent and just for fun.  Enjoy the mama and baby panda.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Day 22--A favorite joke

Ok, seriously I am the lamest person alive.  I cannot think of one joke.  In my defense, I teach preschool and all I hear are lame knock, knock jokes that 4 year old kids make up!  They go something like this: 
them: knock, knock
me: who's there?
them: chicken
me: chicken who
them: chicken noodle soup (insert hysterical laughter from small children here)

Oh well, they keep life interesting!  If you have any good jokes, but sure to leave them in the comment section!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Day 21--A Favorite Recipe

I love food.  I don't particularly love to cook it!  I do have a recipe that is super easy for hashbrown casserole that is my weakness!  It is easy and can be mixed up the night before and baked the next day.

1 bag of southern style hashbrowns
1 can of cream of chicken soup
12 oz of sour cream
1 stick of butter melted
2 cups of shredded cheddar
1 Tbs of salt

2 cups of crushed corn flakes
1/2 stick of melted butter

Preheat the oven to 350.  Mix the soup, sour cream, salt, butter and cheese together.  Stir in hashbrowns.  Pour into a greased, 9x13 pan.  Mix the crushed corn flakes and melted butter, sprinkle on the top of the casserole.  Bake for 1 hour.

I like it this way, but it can be a tad salty for some, you can cut the salt down if you need to.  I hope you enjoy!  This is a HUGE hit at potlucks!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Day 20--A Hobby of mine

I like to do several different things so I am not really sure I have a "hobby" per say.  I do love shopping with all my being.  So I guess if I had to pick that would be it.  I love the thrill of finding a bargain.  I don't often buy things for myself, I love to buy things for everyone else.  I love all the little kids things that I can dig through for my nieces and nephews.  Target Dollar Bins are some of my favorite things in the world.  They make me happy.  I can always find good things for my treasure box for my preschool kiddos.  My nieces and nephews also love the cool things that I find for them.  I think shopping is the thrill of the chase.  You can scout and be stealthy to find that ever elusive "perfect catch".

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Day 19--A fun memory

When I read what today's post was supposed to be about, I laughed.  I knew immediately what I wanted to write about.  I am the type of person who has a good time, no matter what.  I just set my mind to it and it happens.  This story does have some bone chilling fear along with the fun.
I was visiting my aunt, who lived a plane ride away.  She had two grandkids who were her life so we did lots of things with them.  One thing they like to do is go to the park and feed the ducks.  Insert bone chilling fear here....I am TERRIFIED of birds.  Yes birds, I can't help it, don't judge!  So anyway, we have a loaf of bread, a thunderstorm in the making and about a million ducks.  Her grandson was four at the time and he was a tad bit leery of the ducks.  Have I mentioned that these were GIANT ducks?!  I was patiently hiding under the slide while they were feeding the ducks.  The grandson starts squealing and running towards me with this duck chasing him, nipping at his behind!  I am screaming, drop the bread, drop the bread!  I didn't want that duck ANYWHERE near me!  Finally, after much screaming and yelling from me, he drops the bread, jumps into my arms.  Cue the thunder and lightening here.  Thankfully the storm forced us to the car, however we didn't get there unscathed.  We were all walking back to the car and here comes a posse of ducks, this was a planned attack!  They circled us and started nipping at all of our backsides!  Thankfully I was in the middle of our huddle!  Who says the safety of children should come first!?  Finally we made it to the car where we just explode into hysterical laughter!  You know the laughter where you can't catch your breath and every time you think you are composed, you think about it and it starts all over again!  Thankfully no one got struck by lightening or eaten by a ravenous duck.  I think the innocence of the situation and just the simplicity of the day made it so great.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Day 18--A baby photo (or not)

Ok, just let me say that I live 4 hours away from my mom who has all of my baby pictures...so this one is a no go. So it is just going to be a random post.

D and I had a tough week last week. We have had a lot going on: sickness, busy with work, some family stuff, etc. Basically life has been happening to us and we didn't handle it the way I really wanted to. I was upset basically for a whole week. So finally we talked it out and everything is fine. In the midst of our talking it out, I begin to have this tremendous ovary pain, like doubling me over pain! I was chatting with some lovely ladies that told me I needed to take and OPK, so I did. Of course it is positive. Just let me say D and I were working out our disagreement, but I was not ready to "make-up" wink, wink, nudge, nudge. However, we are in our 10th cycle for trying for our miracle so I don't want to waste a perfectly +OPK. So we do what we need to do. This was our first experience with Pre-Seed, which we LOVED! We did get a little generous with it, a little goes a long way!

So as I was talking to D today on my way home from work today, he asks, "So when are we going to know if the other night worked or not?" How hysterical is that!? I explained that I was only 3 days past ovulation (DPO) and that I could test next week. He sounded a little disappointed that we had to wait that long. I go Monday to my gyno for a follow-up on my PCOS diagnosis and the meds they have put me on. So I am going to test even though I will only 9 DPO. This is really the first cycle that I have at least some hope. Before our timing really seemed to stink, you must have sex to make a baby, hahaha! So our (I really mean my) new motto is sex it up every other day from day 10 to whenever my body decides to ovulate, which varies from day 14-24. I might get tired of sex, but I know the end result is going to be worth it. This week with all sorts of people posting their pregnancy info on Facebook, The Bump, etc has made me really sad that I am not pregnant. I am really hoping it is my turn soon!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Day 17--A photo of my family

Since I am going for anonymity, I am not going to post a picture of my whole family. I am going to post a picture instead of my sweet grandpa. He passed away on the 23rd of December. He was 93 years old, a WWII veteran and just a great person! He was the kindest, gentlest soul, who deep down, was a prankster. He smiled all the time and was truly a joy to be around. He loved his family and worked very hard to provide for my grandma, my uncle and mother.

My grandparents truly had a wonderful love story. He was in Texas for boot camp at the beginning of the war. She was working on base. They met and got married in whirlwind! He was 25 and she was 14, not unusual for that time period. He moved her back to his family farm in the mid-west. They wrote letters the whole time he was away at war. There was a time he got separated from his group during a mission so that was scary for all of them. However, it turned out to be a blessing since the rest of his platoon was killed. He won a Bronze Star for one of his missions. My grandpa was not one to boast or brag or even talk about his war experience, it was just what he did for his country.

My favorite memory I have of my grandpa is not one in specific, but just of the time he spent with me. I remember sitting beside him in his recliner watching TV with his arm around me. He let me drive the tractor, just following him wherever he went. I couldn't have asked for a better grandpa. The following picture is one I took of him at the last Thanksgiving.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Day 16--A Favorite Food

I am very big into "comfort food". I have very fond memories of growing up and watching my mom or grandmother in the kitchen just cooking away. The smell of a chicken simmering on the stove, the smell of fresh bread in the oven or the smell of a warm pie just coming out of the oven always brings a smile to my face! My favorite meal is homemade chicken and noodles with mashed potatoes and peas. It's nothing but carbs but it makes me all warm inside. I guess it is not even as much the food as it is the feelings and memories that it evokes for me. I think that food is such an important part of social functions, especially in my family, that I can relate most of my memories to food! I guess I am going to end here before I get so hungry I have to go cook something!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Day 15--My Celebrity Crush

I do not lust over many people, but I do love, love, love Matthew McConaughey!

Matthew McConaughey

Monday, April 11, 2011

Day 14--An old photo

I am the one in pink.  How hot am I?!  This was one of my 8th grade dances.  This is almost too much awesomeness, I just can't stand it! 

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Day 13--Something I want to buy

I am seriously a shopaholic, or at least used to be before a budget...lol!  I am have lived in my house for about 5 years now so it is time to do some upgrading.  So this is what I want my next big purchase to be:
http://images.lowes.com/product/converted/739175/7391753467817lg.jpg
I want to replace the carpet in our living room and foyer.  I think it will help with allergies and dust.  I am not sure if we should do it ourselves or pay to have it done.  The dilemma.  

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Day 12--Something I bought recently

I have not bought too much recently.  I have been trying to live on a budget.  It doesn't always prove to be successful though!  :)
I bought this dress for my niece for her 8th grade graduation.  I feel so old.....
http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/womens/dresses/littleblackdresses/PRD~745487/daisy+fuentes+Smocked+Empire+Dress.jsp

Friday, April 8, 2011

Day 11--A Recent Photo of Me

I am going for some anonymity so I am not going to post a picture of my face. The picture I am posting is from Christmas with my family.  We had tons of fun sledding in the snow!  I am making a serious fashion statement in the camo.  I do not own anything camo....all of his belongs to my mom who is an avid hunter.  However, the purple hat with the heart on the front is mine!  :)  I had not taken anything warm enough so she was kind enough to let me borrow something!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Day 10--A photo older than 10 years



This is from my sophomore year, which yes was way more than 10 years ago.  Let's talk about the glasses, could they be any bigger?  Next let's talk about the the dyed to match shoes...wow!  There is no need to mention the awful hair.  I was going through my short hair is cool phase.  Obviously, I was wrong.  I honestly just got rid of this dress about 2 years ago.  I held on to it for sentimental reasons I suppose.  I went to this dance with my first "real boyfriend".  I went with him knowing I was going to break up with him after, don't judge, he was a terrible kisser and I already had the dress!  Enjoy this monstrosity!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Spring

I love spring!  I think the trees stand up a little taller showing off their bright green leaves, the grass is a little greener, the sky is a brighter blue, the clouds are a little puffier.  I drove home from my mom's yesterday (a four hour drive) and I took the time to really enjoy the scenery.  I noticed the dogwoods and redbuds scattered throughout the woods, just a splash of color.  I almost felt like I was in a cartoon and everywhere I traveled the glitter came out from behind my car, leaving the beautiful colors in my wake...ok, that might be a stretch,  but I really do love spring!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Day 9--A pet peeve

Oh my goodness, I have so many!  I think my biggest pet peeve is the "one-upper".  We all know them...you caught one fish, they caught 10 and they were THIIIIIISSSSSSS big!  OMG!  It makes me friggin' crazy!  Seriously, people is your life so pitiful that you can't let someone have their moment?!  Ok, vent over.

Day 8--Something I crave

I can live without meat, I can live without vegetables, I can live without fruit, but please, please, please do not make me live without donuts!  I love donuts.  I like them cream filled, jelly-filled, iced, glazed, powdered, cake, yeast....and the list goes on!  So needless to say, I crave donuts!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Day 7--A favorite photo

I love pictures.  I try to photograph every aspect of our life.  I guess I just want to hold onto the memories.  I don't print out a lot of them, but I do post most of them on Facebook to share with my family since I live about 4 hours away from them.

I love this picture.  He still holds my hand this tight all the time!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Day 6--A fun fact about me

Ok, I was traveling last night and missed my blog so I am doing 2 tonight.
My fun fact:
I love to sing karaoke!  I am not the world's best singer but it is fun.  It is a great way to get to know a person's style.  I love to sing old, hokey country songs.  That is the kind of music I grew up on.  My mom sings in a country band and I basically grew up in a dance hall.  So I guess I choose karaoke songs based on my past experiences. I do not like to sing by myself, I prefer a group. 

Day 5--A Favorite Quote

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.
Robert Louis Stevenson

I chose this quote mainly because I am a preschool teacher.  I try to live each day as a positive influence on the lives I touch.  I am not going to lie, there are some days it is harder than others.  I do hug my students every day.  I also tell them I love them every day.  I think if I am a positive influence at this early stage of their education that maybe their love of school will continue through the latter grades.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Day 4--A favorite book

Books, I love everything about them.  I love they way the smell, the way they feel in my hands, the way they sound when you open them for the first time.  Books are magical, they can take you anywhere or no where, it depends on what you are looking for!  I am a teacher so I try to instill this love of books to my students.  So I will choose a children's book and a grown up book!

Children's book:
Harold and the Purple Crayon
I love this book for so many reasons.  I think this book really shows us all how far our imagination can take us.  It also shows if you remember where you come from you can always go back home.  Ok, so maybe I put in too much thought into this kind of thing but hey, I love books!

Grown up book:
Secret Life of Bees
I found this to be much more difficult...I am actually struggling to think of the last grown up book I read...I really like several author's and read most of their work. I did not choose a book from one of those authors oddly enough.  This book, which was made into a movie, follows a young white girl in 1964 who is looking for her mother's past.  Her trip takes her to South Carolina during the Civil Rights Movement.  It is a truly touching book that shows the goodness in people.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Day 3--A favorite TV Show

I have to say that I have the television on all the time, but find I hardly watch anything.  Strange I know.  I think it basically has to with the fact my attention span lasts through the first commercial break!  I am a serial channel flipper!  I also prefer to flip through the channels than to check out the guide on our satellite, it makes D crazy!  As I have done before, I refuse to name only one...Maybe I am just indecisive, who knows!

My favorite drama:
Hoarders
I love this show!  First off, it makes me feel better about my own house! It also makes me throw a few things away!  In all seriousness, I appreciate what the families are going through.  My grandmother is a hoarder.  She hoards magazines, food, yarn, etc.  She seriously had a narrow path through her house.  When my grandfather passed, my family had to go and clean all this mess out...OMG!  I believe they took out 3 pick up truck loads of expired food to the dump!  It truly is a sickness that people have no control over.

My favorite comedy:
Raising Hope
If you have never watched this show you are truly missing out on a comedic genius!  I am pretty sure the writers of this show were raised in a home just like the one portrayed.  I don't see how they can capture the hilarity without living it!  One of my favorite lines from the show is when the dad is talking to the son and he mentions that the only one that can make the grandchild smile is Jimmy's "death tooth little girlfriend".  Makes me laugh!

My favorite reality show:
Please don't shun me, but I HATE, HATE, HATE reality TV.  That is all!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Day 2--A favorite movie

Movies, what can I say, I love them!  I have several that I really like: My Best Friend's Wedding, Bride Wars, Adventures in Babysitting, Billy Madison, Splendor in the Grass, Full Metal Jacket.  I know, I know it is an eclectic bunch, but what can I say?  There several movies that we quote frequently and crack up over!  I guess though if I HAVE to choose a favorite, I would pick Austin Power's: The Spy Who Shagged Me.  I choose this one for two reasons
1. It's freakin' hilarious! 
2. There are so many quotable lines that it never gets old!

I was in college when this movie comes out.  I was working in Housing with a friend.  We were laughing so hard quoting this movie day in and day out that the Director of Housing pulled my friend (also my boss) aside and told him that we were being too loud!  So we had to tone down our quotes.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Day 1--A favorite song

You need to know something about me...I LOVE music is it is very hard to narrow it down to one song!  I have favorites in every genre!  For the sake of conversation, I am going to probably pick two songs--one for sentimental reasons and one because it is my favorite to crank the radio up and sing (ok so I use the term "sing" lightly, but hey!).

Sentimental Favorite:
Your Are My Sunshine

Here is the back story.  This is the first song I remember...period.  My mom would sing it to me and my brothers as she rocked us to sleep, probably well beyond the time we should have been rocked.  I watch her sing it as she rocks a new generation to sleep.  My brother and his family live about 4 hours away from my parents and his 3 year old has to call my mom at least once a day so she can sing to her.  My mom is a fabulous singer and actually sings in a country band.  My mom gave me a music box that plays this song and I know that when we do have a little one that the music box will have a special place in the nursery.  The memories it holds for me and my family is what makes this my favorite sentimental song.  I am going to try to link the Johnny Cash version since he is one of my favorite artists.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcnNb7Pnmok


My favorite just because song:
Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison

I love, love, love, love, love Van Morrison!  He is my favorite artist.  This is the song that I will turn up the radio every.single.time I hear it on the radio.  I am of the brown eyed persuasion so I guess it feels like that song is about me!  It is just a feel good song that reminisces about days gone by and how fast time flies, which is something I definitely relate to!  Here is a link to the song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHRPlPs2heo

I hope you enjoy!