Sunday, March 18, 2012

What to do...

You know there comes a time when you say, what do I do now?!  The sad part about that question is that generally you don't have an answer and you certainly don't have an answer that you like.  I have come to that point so many times and I have always just said, I will keep going.  How long can you keep going without any answers though?  I really think there comes a point where you can't keep going.  I am concerned that I am getting there.  I think my frustration level at every failed cycle is getting exponentially higher. 

D told me the other day that he was not sure he fits into the civilian world.  Don't ask me what that means, I don't know.  I asked him what that means and he doesn't know either.  I am wondering if he wants to go back to work offshore, which in my heart of hearts, I know he does.  I think he is a gypsy at heart and can't give up traveling.  He has told me that he is not unhappy but not happy at his job either.  I have tried explaining that no job is perfect or wonderful 100% of the time.  You make the most of what you have and you go on.  Or at least that is what I do and what most of the other people I know do.  I just don't know that he is physically/mentally able to do that.  It's like he holds onto things FOREVER and he just can't let it go.  So here we go, he is thinking of looking for another job.  The amount of stress that is involved in this is just beyond comprehension.

Then you add on the family drama that his family thrives on and it is just too much for me sometimes.  D and I have some things we need to figure out.  I want us to be on the same page on some things and it's like we are on pages next to each other, not opposite but not the same page.  We are not far off but just not there yet. 

I kind of feel like I am all alone.  I know I am not, I have tons of people who love me and will help me through whatever I have going on.  I just have to remember that I am not alone and ask people for help.  It's so hard to ask for help.  Why is that?  We know we need it, we CRAVE it, but yet we can't ask for it.  My goal for the next week is to figure out how/who to ask for help.  I know I need it, but I am not sure what kind.  Do I need it for the family drama, do I need it for the infertility, do I need it for all the above?!  Who knows, but I am going to get it figured out.

Our sermon at church was about this today and it got me thinking.  My synopsis of the sermon:  Moses led the Israelites to battle and if he held his hands up praying they would keep fighting and winning.  When Moses let his hands fall down the Israelites would start to lose.  Aaron and Hur were with Moses and helped him hold his hands up so the Israelites would win the battle.  With their help, Moses was able to keep his hands up and he prayed and the Israelites won the battle.  So Moses knew he couldn't do it on his own, so why can't the rest of us realize we need help?!  So here we go, I am going to figure it out!

Sorry for the ramblings, I just have a lot of heavy stuff on my mind.

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