Umm, yeah, hi

I have been a bad blogger.  Sorry, no excuses.  I guess I don't always feel the need to update a whole lot since there is nothing going on with the baby making stuff.  D is thinking of getting a different job, so we are kind of stuck in this vicious cycle that just keeps repeating over and over.  He gets a job, loves the job, hates the job, wants to quit.  So now his back is hurt and he has not worked in several weeks now.  I am getting frustrated by this whole situation.

GRRRR

I just got home from the beach, which was wonderful, but man life kicks you in the gut after vacation.  I noticed D was not so talkative on the phone while I was away.  I found out why when I got home.  He told me that he is probably going to be fired from his job because someone filed a false complaint with his boss's boss.  Awesome.  D has had a run of several jobs, but none of which he has left before having another one.  I don't know what we are going to do.  I am to the point of just throwing my hands up and crying.  Not going to solve anything, not going to make me feel better, but I think that's all I have right now. 

I am beginning to feel like Job.  This was from my minister's devotional today, it couldn't have been more fitting for us. 

“God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways; He does great things beyond our understanding” (Job 37:5)

“Why Me Lord? I don’t understand; I try to serve you to the best of my ability and everything falls apart. Can you explain to me Lord why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people?”  ...No man in scripture lost more or experienced any more pain than Job. He lost his family, his livestock, his servants, and all his earthly wealth. If this wasn’t enough, his body was covered in boils from his head to his toes. Job’s wife even said to him, “Why don’t you just curse God and die?” (v. 9)

Listen carefully to Job’s answer to his wife: “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble? (v. 10) Job may not have understood all that was taking place in his life, but he knew who was in control.

I am doing my very best to remember that it is not me in control of my future but God.  I have been praying that D find happiness and peace in a profession.  So here is how I am choosing to look at this situation.  God does not close one door without opening another one, so hopefully if D does lose his job, another one will find it's way to him and this is God's way of making it happen.

It's been a while

I know it has been a while since I have posted, sorry readers.  There is not too much to report here lately.  We are just hanging out.  I am waiting to be put on D's insurance.  I have my fingers crossed that there is not a clause about pre-existing conditions, I am afraid my PCOS will throw us in the crapper.  I have been researching reproductive specialists.  I think I have found one through a recommendation from a friend.  She got pregnant on her first IVF, it gives me hope.

I have been working on some crafts and keeping myself busy:

I enjoy making all my goodies.  I have opened up my Etsy shop, but I have yet to sell anything.  I keep hoping!

It's Mother's day

It is yet another Mother's Day that I am not a mother, not pregnant or even have any hope of becoming pregnant. I had every intention of mourning my childless Mother's Day in bed, but alas, I can't. I have to sing at church today, in front of lots of happy mothers. My church is wonderful, don't get me wrong. This is one of those, it's not you, it's me situations. The church gives out sweet gifts to all ladies in the church, which is nice and I accept the pity gift. I know that part of the issue is the fact we are in limbo. We know D isn't the issue, which puts the ball of stress in my court...yay. This month is our 2 year mark since we started trying for a baby. Yeah that was pretty crappy to type. I guess I need to get my act together and move forward. I don't know why I am so pathetic this time, we are not even trying right now since we have some personal things to sort out. On a different note, D has applied for a job offshore again. Since we had our conversation which included,I don't think I can ever be happy, we have he a few more discussions about life and our marriage. Let's just say things have been tense around here. He has agreed to go to counseling, because don't we all have things we can talk about!? I digress, the offshore job seems to be what he wants to do and he says it will make him happy since the money will be better. I am skeptical. I think happiness comes from within, he thinks it comes from money. If D decides to go offshore again, that means 5 weeks gone 5 weeks home. Not ideal but not that horrible. This is the schedule he was on when we first started dating, so it is doable. I dread him being gone not because I am afraid, but I will have to be responsible for his stupid cat, the bain of my existence. If something should happen to his ailing, 13 year old cat while he is gone, he will blame me. I can just feel it. This has turned into a totally random post. There is a lot going on and most of it is not good unfortunately. I pray things work out for the best, but my definition of the best and God's might differ.

Where to start

It truly has been a craptastic week.  D finished his last SA on Monday and we went for the results on Wednesday.  My gynecologist called with the results and told us D was fine.  After I told him the results, he said, "I knew it wasn't me"...umm, excuse me?!  I let it go, until Tuesday.  I asked him to fill out the paper work for the Urologist appointment.  He was not having fun with that btw.  He was very agitated about it.  So, I went to exercise and when I got back, he was even more pissed off than when I left which led to a tremendous fight which didn't really end until today.  I am not going to go into all the details but let's just say it was bad.  What makes it worse is that we hardly ever fight so we don't really know what to do.  I am going to go to a counselor to help with my feelings over our IF.  I am hoping D goes with me at some point.  I think with all the stuff he as going on with his family, he could really use some counseling too.  He told me that he didn't know if he would ever be happy.  Wow, really?!  He went on to say, he doesn't think he will be happy in his job, that he is happy with me and our relationship.  Whew!  SOOOO, anyway, that's enough for tonight dear readers.  I will keep you updated on the issues at hand.  Just not sure when there will be an update.
 
**side note: When we went to the Uro, he said with numbers like D's, he was not the issue, so it must be me.  He went on to say either my tubes are blocked or my eggs are bad.  Ok, so let's jump to the worst possible conclusion.  The doctor is not an reproductive specialist so I take what he says with a grain of salt, but still it kind of gave me a kick in the gut. 

Weight Loss

Ok, I have been lazy!  I know it.  I am only exercising one day a week and haven't even been following my South Beach for the past two weeks!  So tomorrow is the day, I am back on the wagon...no more bread and potatoes for me.  I know this weight loss has been beneficial for me, I had a 27/28 day cycle this time!  Who knew weight loss, exercise and cutting out carbs would be so helpful, ummm, yeah, my doctors that's who!  My endo and gyno have both been telling me for  a year to lose weight and exercise that I would be surprised at how much it would help.  I am kind of ticked off that they were right!  hahahaha!  So here I go, back on the diet!

On the baby making front, I am DYING to know the results of D's SA.  It is taking every ounce of self-control I have not to call the office to get the numbers.  I don't know what exactly I would do with the numbers when I got them, but I just know I would feel better if I had them.  He goes for the next SA on the 23rd and we go to the Urologist on the 25th, so I am going to wait and not be ONE OF THOSE patients.  I have my fingers crossed for good news though.  If D's SAs come back fine then it is my turn to go and have some testing.  I will have the HSG done to make sure my tubes are clear.  I have had the routine blood work done with my Endocrinologist which led to my PCOS diagnosis.  I need to get put on D's insurance so I can have some IF coverage before I start anything else.  So that's where we are.  Not really any further along, but so much further along!  I will update as soon as I get the results!

D's SA...

D went for his test today.  He was such a trooper about it.  I know it was tough for him to go and do this, but I am so proud of him for following through.  He did tell me that he was only in there for about 2 minutes before the nurses started knocking!  I hope he didn't have stage fright...I didn't ask!  He asked me what would happen if it was him.  I told him that it didn't matter who it was, we would work through it.  I really hope it is not him, I really hope it's not me. I don't want to be unexplained either.  I am the kind of person if I have an answer, I can live with it.  But if it is just "unexplained" then that leaves you with nothing to hold on to.