Saturday, November 19, 2011

Alone with my thoughts

I am alone with my thoughts tonight.  D is with his dad and sister at a funeral visitation for a one of his great aunts, they were not particularly close, but it is still hard.  I have some anxiety when it comes to going to a funeral home.  I have had some pretty terrible losses.  I lost my dad almost 5 years ago this New Year's Eve and my grandpa and uncle 4 days apart last Christmas and then my step-grandmother in March.   I know this is a part of life, I get that, it is so hard to deal with not just my own emotions but trying to help others get through it. 

I talked to my grandmother last night, just to check on her.  She and my grandpa were married for 67 years and truly had a wonderful love story.  How do you help someone who tells you that they wake up every morning and automatically roll over to check on their spouse and feel a huge disappointment and sadness when they aren't there?  Sometimes I can't talk to her without crying and she almost always cries while talking to me.  I can't help my mom who can't read "brother" birthday cards without crying.  I am a helper, it's what I do.  It is such a helpless feeling.

In my thoughts tonight are some really special people who just need some good vibes.  Have you heard the analogy of the duck?  You know, he looks so peaceful on the surface just swimming around, but if you look underwater he is swimming furiously!!!!  This is how some of my friends are.  They are swimming gracefully on the surface but man they are paddling furiously underneath!  I am trying to remember, everyone is fighting some sort of battle.  I should not judge what they are doing and how they live their lives.  I am trying hard to be a good friend that listens, offers advice when wanted and is just a shoulder to lean on.  It is so hard!  I just want everyone to be happy.  I know that is an unrealistic expectation of life.

I am going to be totally honest here for a few minutes.  I am angry at this very minute.  I am afraid that God is getting the brunt of this anger.  I hear stories of these mothers killing their children for not going to sleep, crying too much, not listening or basically for being born.  How can God give people children who don't love them, don't take care of them, abuse or neglect them?  I KNOW that D and I will be good parents, not perfect, but we will try our best.  We will provide a good Christian home, filled with love, balance and support.  Infertility does really bad things to people.  It has turned me into this woman who cries over every friggin' thing, who blocks pregnant people on facebook and honestly cried over someone else announcing their pregnancy.  Yeah so that's what I have become...a crying, weeping, sobbing mess that is not asking why me, but WHY NOT ME!?  I am beginning to wonder if God hears me.

I wish infertility was something that people could talk about openly.  I hate that it is such a taboo subject.  I sometimes hesitate to use the word infertile.  I look at it like there are varying degrees of infertility.  Am I infertile enough to use that word?  Have I been trying long enough without success to be called infertile?  Can I use that word since I haven't had any testing, since D hasn't had his semen analysis?  I mean come on...we have been trying for 18 months to have a baby.  I keep trying to rationalize why we haven't been able to get pregnant yet.  D is still settling into his job, I am figuring out a new school, blah blah blah.  I know God has a plan for us, I do.  It is just getting harder to wait to be let in on this plan.  Maybe I am not supposed to know.  This cycle is our last cycle before I go back to the gyno.  I just hope there is a happy surprise for us sometime!

I truly hate that I have become so woe is me.  I really wanted to keep this blog positive, but dear readers, it is just so hard to stay positive.  I will try a little harder next post, I promise!  If you are the praying type, we sure could use them! 

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