Wednesday, November 9, 2011


That is the sound of all the wind being knocked out of me.  When we started this journey to have have a baby, oh about 18 months ago, I was so naive and D was just excited about the process.  I just KNEW it would happen for us with no problem.  We are good people, we go to church, we both work, we have a home, nice cars, why couldn't we have a baby to finish off our perfect little world?  I am a planner, to a fault, I would say.  My plans are not working out.  This is the first time that I cried over a failed cycle.  I was upset in August, though that had more to do with work than a failed cycle.  I could kick myself each month that I get my hopes up.  But then I wonder if it is better to hold on to some hope or just go into each cycle expecting failure.  Being the eternal optimist that I am, I am not sure that I can go into it with no hope.  I JUST now that it will happen some time.  But what if it doesn't?  That's where I am at tonight as I sit here writing this.  D and I are going to have to decide what are plans are if we can't get pregnant on our own.  To what extent are we willing to go?  IUI, IVF, adoption?  Are we going to be the childless couple that people feel sorry for?  I don't have the answer to those questions.  I don't like questions with no answers.  Being totally out of pocket for any infertility expenses, we will have to save up some serious cash or take out a loan.  Though while doing research, I did find an office that does offer a payment plan with a money back guarantee if you don't come out with a take home baby.  Something to think about.

While we are talking about all of my deep dark fears.  I am terrified of getting pregnant and having a miscarriage.  I mean, I seriously worry about that.  I just know that it happens more than anyone really knows.  People don't talk about it.  When it is going to be acceptable to talk about all of our fears, hurts and needs?  Why is infertility and loss such a taboo subject?  Why shouldn't we talk about it?  Yet here I sit, writing my blog in relative anonymity.  What does that say?!  I am so full of contradictions today.

On a positive note, I did go to the Endocrinologist this week and all of my PCOS markers were within the normal range!  YAY!  So maybe the meds are helping.  My stomach has been feeling better so maybe I am finally adjusted and it will be ok.  Love her heart, as I was leaving, she reminded me to continue taking my meds throughout the first trimester.  I hope I get the chance.

I go back to my gyno in December.  I am so ready but I am pretty sure I am going to cry.  She is so optimistic for us, I would really like to be, but I just can't right now.  She wanted to give me clomid the last time but I turned her down.  I want to have the HSG done before I take any clomid since it won't do me any good if my tubes are blocked and my egg just sits there behind the wall of whatever it is that blocks a fallopian tube.  I want to make sure that the sperm can physically get to the egg.

Which brings me to my next thought,  I am not sure I am truly ovulating.  My temperatures have been wacky so I quit temping for the past few months (I needed a little sanity break), but I am starting back this cycle.  Instead of showing a significant temp jump, I have kind of had an upside down bell curve the last few months.  So what to do, where to go from here?!  I think I am going to continue on with my Weight Watchers and start exercising.  I don't know if it will have any bearing on my ultimate goal but hopefully I will just feel better about myself. 

This has turned into a rambling mess...  So to sum it all up, I am going to keep on chugging along.  Never fear dear readers, I am not giving up on us.  I just needed a good vent.  I am scared that I won't get pregnant.  I am terrified that if I do, I will will miscarry.  I am worried that D will never get a chance to get his SA done.  I am worried about having an HSG and something being wrong or having and it nothing being wrong, the dreaded "unexplained infertilty" diagnosis.  So man, oh man....I am full of worries.  So to me it seems as if I need to hit my knees and get busy praying.  I wish you all the best friends!  I am getting off here to go to bed and rest my weary soul.

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