Umm, yeah, hi

I have been a bad blogger.  Sorry, no excuses.  I guess I don't always feel the need to update a whole lot since there is nothing going on with the baby making stuff.  D is thinking of getting a different job, so we are kind of stuck in this vicious cycle that just keeps repeating over and over.  He gets a job, loves the job, hates the job, wants to quit.  So now his back is hurt and he has not worked in several weeks now.  I am getting frustrated by this whole situation.

GRRRR

I just got home from the beach, which was wonderful, but man life kicks you in the gut after vacation.  I noticed D was not so talkative on the phone while I was away.  I found out why when I got home.  He told me that he is probably going to be fired from his job because someone filed a false complaint with his boss's boss.  Awesome.  D has had a run of several jobs, but none of which he has left before having another one.  I don't know what we are going to do.  I am to the point of just throwing my hands up and crying.  Not going to solve anything, not going to make me feel better, but I think that's all I have right now. 

I am beginning to feel like Job.  This was from my minister's devotional today, it couldn't have been more fitting for us. 

“God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways; He does great things beyond our understanding” (Job 37:5)

“Why Me Lord? I don’t understand; I try to serve you to the best of my ability and everything falls apart. Can you explain to me Lord why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people?”  ...No man in scripture lost more or experienced any more pain than Job. He lost his family, his livestock, his servants, and all his earthly wealth. If this wasn’t enough, his body was covered in boils from his head to his toes. Job’s wife even said to him, “Why don’t you just curse God and die?” (v. 9)

Listen carefully to Job’s answer to his wife: “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble? (v. 10) Job may not have understood all that was taking place in his life, but he knew who was in control.

I am doing my very best to remember that it is not me in control of my future but God.  I have been praying that D find happiness and peace in a profession.  So here is how I am choosing to look at this situation.  God does not close one door without opening another one, so hopefully if D does lose his job, another one will find it's way to him and this is God's way of making it happen.

It's been a while

I know it has been a while since I have posted, sorry readers.  There is not too much to report here lately.  We are just hanging out.  I am waiting to be put on D's insurance.  I have my fingers crossed that there is not a clause about pre-existing conditions, I am afraid my PCOS will throw us in the crapper.  I have been researching reproductive specialists.  I think I have found one through a recommendation from a friend.  She got pregnant on her first IVF, it gives me hope.

I have been working on some crafts and keeping myself busy:

I enjoy making all my goodies.  I have opened up my Etsy shop, but I have yet to sell anything.  I keep hoping!

It's Mother's day

It is yet another Mother's Day that I am not a mother, not pregnant or even have any hope of becoming pregnant. I had every intention of mourning my childless Mother's Day in bed, but alas, I can't. I have to sing at church today, in front of lots of happy mothers. My church is wonderful, don't get me wrong. This is one of those, it's not you, it's me situations. The church gives out sweet gifts to all ladies in the church, which is nice and I accept the pity gift. I know that part of the issue is the fact we are in limbo. We know D isn't the issue, which puts the ball of stress in my court...yay. This month is our 2 year mark since we started trying for a baby. Yeah that was pretty crappy to type. I guess I need to get my act together and move forward. I don't know why I am so pathetic this time, we are not even trying right now since we have some personal things to sort out. On a different note, D has applied for a job offshore again. Since we had our conversation which included,I don't think I can ever be happy, we have he a few more discussions about life and our marriage. Let's just say things have been tense around here. He has agreed to go to counseling, because don't we all have things we can talk about!? I digress, the offshore job seems to be what he wants to do and he says it will make him happy since the money will be better. I am skeptical. I think happiness comes from within, he thinks it comes from money. If D decides to go offshore again, that means 5 weeks gone 5 weeks home. Not ideal but not that horrible. This is the schedule he was on when we first started dating, so it is doable. I dread him being gone not because I am afraid, but I will have to be responsible for his stupid cat, the bain of my existence. If something should happen to his ailing, 13 year old cat while he is gone, he will blame me. I can just feel it. This has turned into a totally random post. There is a lot going on and most of it is not good unfortunately. I pray things work out for the best, but my definition of the best and God's might differ.

Where to start

It truly has been a craptastic week.  D finished his last SA on Monday and we went for the results on Wednesday.  My gynecologist called with the results and told us D was fine.  After I told him the results, he said, "I knew it wasn't me"...umm, excuse me?!  I let it go, until Tuesday.  I asked him to fill out the paper work for the Urologist appointment.  He was not having fun with that btw.  He was very agitated about it.  So, I went to exercise and when I got back, he was even more pissed off than when I left which led to a tremendous fight which didn't really end until today.  I am not going to go into all the details but let's just say it was bad.  What makes it worse is that we hardly ever fight so we don't really know what to do.  I am going to go to a counselor to help with my feelings over our IF.  I am hoping D goes with me at some point.  I think with all the stuff he as going on with his family, he could really use some counseling too.  He told me that he didn't know if he would ever be happy.  Wow, really?!  He went on to say, he doesn't think he will be happy in his job, that he is happy with me and our relationship.  Whew!  SOOOO, anyway, that's enough for tonight dear readers.  I will keep you updated on the issues at hand.  Just not sure when there will be an update.
 
**side note: When we went to the Uro, he said with numbers like D's, he was not the issue, so it must be me.  He went on to say either my tubes are blocked or my eggs are bad.  Ok, so let's jump to the worst possible conclusion.  The doctor is not an reproductive specialist so I take what he says with a grain of salt, but still it kind of gave me a kick in the gut. 

Weight Loss

Ok, I have been lazy!  I know it.  I am only exercising one day a week and haven't even been following my South Beach for the past two weeks!  So tomorrow is the day, I am back on the wagon...no more bread and potatoes for me.  I know this weight loss has been beneficial for me, I had a 27/28 day cycle this time!  Who knew weight loss, exercise and cutting out carbs would be so helpful, ummm, yeah, my doctors that's who!  My endo and gyno have both been telling me for  a year to lose weight and exercise that I would be surprised at how much it would help.  I am kind of ticked off that they were right!  hahahaha!  So here I go, back on the diet!

On the baby making front, I am DYING to know the results of D's SA.  It is taking every ounce of self-control I have not to call the office to get the numbers.  I don't know what exactly I would do with the numbers when I got them, but I just know I would feel better if I had them.  He goes for the next SA on the 23rd and we go to the Urologist on the 25th, so I am going to wait and not be ONE OF THOSE patients.  I have my fingers crossed for good news though.  If D's SAs come back fine then it is my turn to go and have some testing.  I will have the HSG done to make sure my tubes are clear.  I have had the routine blood work done with my Endocrinologist which led to my PCOS diagnosis.  I need to get put on D's insurance so I can have some IF coverage before I start anything else.  So that's where we are.  Not really any further along, but so much further along!  I will update as soon as I get the results!

D's SA...

D went for his test today.  He was such a trooper about it.  I know it was tough for him to go and do this, but I am so proud of him for following through.  He did tell me that he was only in there for about 2 minutes before the nurses started knocking!  I hope he didn't have stage fright...I didn't ask!  He asked me what would happen if it was him.  I told him that it didn't matter who it was, we would work through it.  I really hope it is not him, I really hope it's not me. I don't want to be unexplained either.  I am the kind of person if I have an answer, I can live with it.  But if it is just "unexplained" then that leaves you with nothing to hold on to.

Semen Analysis

I know I have been talking about this forever, I FINALLY made the appointment to get it done!  D is so excited (sarcasm)!  Let me back up to what REALLY led me to make the appointments for him.  We were talking the other day about just life in general, he gets all serious and asks me, "Do you think we are ever going to have a baby?"  Ok, the tears well up in my eyes, thankfully I am folding laundry so my back is to him so he doesn't see.  So, I just tell him I don't know.  It's the only answer I have.  I did go on to say that it truly depends on how far we want to go to make this happen.  He told me that he thought we would go all the way to the "test tube".  I cringed at the wording, but hey, at least he is willing to go through with whatever we need to do.

That leads me to making the appointment.  My Ob/Gyn had given me an order for this a year ago.  I know, I know...I guess I wasn't ready.  Anyway, the place he had to go was about a 45 minute car ride with zero traffic so we decided we would see if we could find a lab closer so he could do the sample at home and take it in.  My doctor also gave me the name of a Urologist because D was having some trouble at one point, which luckily took care of itself.  So I called the uro to see if they could see us since his office was much closer than the other lab.  The first lady I talked to was no help and transferred me to the next lady.  She was super nice, but no help.  Lady 2 transferred me to lady 3.  I am pretty sure I have a girl crush on lady 3.  She was witty, smart and took the time to get me through this drama.  When I asked about the semen analysis, she said they use the same lab as my OB/Gyn sooooo we are not able to get to a closer lab, so D has to provide the his sample in the office.  I am not sure how that is going to go.  I cannot go with him since I have to work.  Should be fun!

I have to say this, it was REALLY tough to make the call to schedule this appointment.  I am not sure why it was so much harder to make this one than all the appointments for me.  I think what I am going to say is going to come out all wrong so bear with me.  I think if I am the cause of our infertility, then fine, I can deal with it.  I feel like I want this more than D, even though I KNOW he wants a baby too.  But if it is D, I don't think he will be able to forgive himself and constantly beat himself up over it.  I won't hold it against him, but he will.  I don't think he will hold it against me if it is me.  What a tricky place this is to be in.

What to do...

You know there comes a time when you say, what do I do now?!  The sad part about that question is that generally you don't have an answer and you certainly don't have an answer that you like.  I have come to that point so many times and I have always just said, I will keep going.  How long can you keep going without any answers though?  I really think there comes a point where you can't keep going.  I am concerned that I am getting there.  I think my frustration level at every failed cycle is getting exponentially higher. 

D told me the other day that he was not sure he fits into the civilian world.  Don't ask me what that means, I don't know.  I asked him what that means and he doesn't know either.  I am wondering if he wants to go back to work offshore, which in my heart of hearts, I know he does.  I think he is a gypsy at heart and can't give up traveling.  He has told me that he is not unhappy but not happy at his job either.  I have tried explaining that no job is perfect or wonderful 100% of the time.  You make the most of what you have and you go on.  Or at least that is what I do and what most of the other people I know do.  I just don't know that he is physically/mentally able to do that.  It's like he holds onto things FOREVER and he just can't let it go.  So here we go, he is thinking of looking for another job.  The amount of stress that is involved in this is just beyond comprehension.

Then you add on the family drama that his family thrives on and it is just too much for me sometimes.  D and I have some things we need to figure out.  I want us to be on the same page on some things and it's like we are on pages next to each other, not opposite but not the same page.  We are not far off but just not there yet. 

I kind of feel like I am all alone.  I know I am not, I have tons of people who love me and will help me through whatever I have going on.  I just have to remember that I am not alone and ask people for help.  It's so hard to ask for help.  Why is that?  We know we need it, we CRAVE it, but yet we can't ask for it.  My goal for the next week is to figure out how/who to ask for help.  I know I need it, but I am not sure what kind.  Do I need it for the family drama, do I need it for the infertility, do I need it for all the above?!  Who knows, but I am going to get it figured out.

Our sermon at church was about this today and it got me thinking.  My synopsis of the sermon:  Moses led the Israelites to battle and if he held his hands up praying they would keep fighting and winning.  When Moses let his hands fall down the Israelites would start to lose.  Aaron and Hur were with Moses and helped him hold his hands up so the Israelites would win the battle.  With their help, Moses was able to keep his hands up and he prayed and the Israelites won the battle.  So Moses knew he couldn't do it on his own, so why can't the rest of us realize we need help?!  So here we go, I am going to figure it out!

Sorry for the ramblings, I just have a lot of heavy stuff on my mind.

Where has time gone?

I cannot believe how quickly time flies (whether we want it to or not!).  So let's see, what has happened since my last blog.  Nothing too much.  Just been crafting a little more and trying to get a little side business going with my bows and totes.  I am sort of afraid of doing it.  There are so many different variables.  I think once I set it into motion, it will be lucrative.  I have a sweet friend helping me get it all sorted out so hopefully it will all work.  The money I make from my new little business is going into our vacation fund!  D and I have not been anywhere significant since our honeymoon so it is time!

Baby front is just hanging out in the same old holding pattern as normal.  I will test on the 16th if no period.  If I do start, then it is semen analysis time.  I can no longer put it off thinking, this will be it.  Denial has been my best friend lately.  But that time is over and it is time to take my future into my own hands.  Wish me luck!

I hope this post finds you all well.  I promise I am going to try to be a better blogger!

BAD blogger

I have been a bad blogger!  Sorry for the delays, what can I say life sometimes gets in the way!  I guess I should say hobbies have been getting in my way.  I have started making hair bows.  I just saw them one day and decided I could do that, so I did!  I have made several different styles and I have even branched out into making bow holders to hang on the walls. Here are some pictures so you can see!

Onto baby stuff.  Nothing is happening.  Nothing.at.all.  I am wondering how long to keep trying.  I know we have not even done all the testing we can do, but I think I am torn on what I want to do.  Maybe we are just destined to be childless people.  I don't know.  I have thought about fostering but then I think it would be terrible to love a child and have it taken away, I don't know if my heart could handle that.  Adoption is so terribly expensive and we seem to be the type of folks that can't catch a break financially so we probably wouldn't get any type of assistance.  So here we are.  No further than we were almost 2 years ago.  The only difference now is that it doesn't feel so life or death.  I think I might just be reaching the point of: ok, so we are childless, let's make the most of it.  Or at least I am there today.  Tomorrow, I might be OHMYGOSH, I can't live without a baby!  That's the joy of trying to get pregnant...the ups and the downs (sarcasm is my second language).

I am getting ready to do our taxes at some point soon.  I know it sounds fun and you really want to be me, but I am destined to have ALL the fun!  Don't be jealous!  I kid, I kid!  I really don't mind doing our taxes.  They are not terribly complicated, but sometimes frustration gets the better of me.   It is just so time consuming.  I paid to have them done one year.  When it costs you more to have them done than you get back...so not worth it!

Here is my parting thought:
Faith, it does not make things easy, it makes them possible. Luke 1:37

Another weekend gone

I love the weekends, but why oh why do they go by so fast?!  I am secretly hoping for a snow day, shhh, don't tell anyone!  I could use just one day at home while D is at work!
So here is where I am in the whole baby making process.  I am currently waiting to ovulate.  I should, if all goes right, ovulate within the next few days.  I am just going to say that it gets hard to be in the mood all.the.time!  Only a few more days and I can rest...lol!
Diet update: I have lost 8.3 lbs in two weeks on South Beach!  We got our elliptical this week and I have been using it too.  I forgot how much I don't love exercise, but I am doing it!  I have to keep telling myself that I am doing this for a baby!  I know this is short, but it is bedtime here in my world!  I hope you all have a great Monday!

What's up?

Not much, that's what.  Just chilling after a wonderful day off work.  D and I did some shopping and came home to just relax.  It was really nice.  His new job is awesome!  He is home every night and has most of the same holidays that I have off.  There have been some good things going on.  I have started the South Beach diet.  I started on Wednesday and my scales are already showing a 4 lbs weight loss!  I am hoping that it goes well for the next few weeks.  My doctor suggested even if I lose 10% of my body weight that it might help with ovulation and hormone levels.  So here goes nothing!  D and I ordered an elliptical because she had the nerve to tell me that exercise was going to help me...whatever!  :)  Ok, I might have known that, but I don't love exercise, but I am going to do it!  I don't mind the elliptical and with it being in my own house I have no excuses!  Plus,they are going to deliver it and put it together!  Yay!  D and I discussed putting it together ourselves but decided with him not getting home from work until 6:30 or 7:00 every night, that it would be too much for him to try to do after work.  I could probably do it, but it might be too heavy for me to move around by myself.

On another note, I am excited that American Idol is coming back soon!

Also, I had my review at work and I got a 6.6 out of 7!  The only areas that I did not get a 7 on were areas that were not in my control, such as facilities, etc.  I am pretty proud!

Last week...

Last week I went to have my annual exam on the 3rd...yay.  According to my chart, I ovulated on the 30th.  I had been having some SERIOUS pain on my right side.  The doctor was concerned that I ruptured cyst on my right side.  She wanted me to have a vaginal ultrasound, so awesome!  So I went to have it done and she told me that if I had a cyst, it had taken care of itself, but that I did in fact, ovulate!  Woo hoo!  So now it is the waiting game.  My chart looks awesome which makes for a very long 2 week wait!  Fingers crossed that this is it for us!