A Quote

“Expecting life to treat you well just because you’re a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge you because you’re a vegetarian.”  (I don't know who said it or wrote it)

I found this quote very funny, and not really haha funny.  I often hear this from people, "Why is this happening, I am a good person?!" Yeah, well sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Sometimes good things don't happen to good people.  Here is how I look at life.  Bad things are going to happen, that's life.  It is how you choose to handle the experience and how you use it in the future that makes you who you are. 

I try not to judge people, and I say try, since I am only human.  You never know the weight of the burdens that person is carrying with them.  In case you are wondering, I am a glass is half full type of gal.  I think that is one of my better qualities.  I had to actively become this type of person.  I did not have an idealistic childhood, my parents were divorced, we were poor, and there were just several other happenings that kept it from being perfect.  I could have easily have decided to wallow in the past and become bitter about what we didn't have, but I know my parents did the best they could and that's why I work as hard as I do.  I want to provide more for my future children.  No matter how poor we were, there was NEVER a time that I wondered if my parents loved me, I knew.  They showed me in all they ways they could.  They showed me in ways that were not monetary.  They gave hugs and kisses, provided  for my basic needs and so on.  We had picnics, went to the park, played games, and spent time together.  I hope I can be as good of a parent to my future children as my parents were to me. 

I do know, even though I am a "good person", that I might not be able to have my own child.  If that is the case, D and I will cross that bridge when we get to it.  We know that we are no more "deserving" than anyone else.  Whatever is in store for us, we will make the most of it and remember the bull doesn't care if we are a vegetarian!

What a week!

I went to visit my family this week.  I had a great time but I came home VERY tired!  My sister and her husband are raising their grandson.  He is 21 months old, don't ask why they are raising him....we will just say stupid is hard to overcome.  So my BIL had to have knee surgery this week so they needed someone to watch the baby.  My mom and I were up for the challenge.  First I just have to say, he was the BEST baby I have ever watched.  If he started having a mini-meltdown, all I had to do was say, that's enough and he would quit!  It was insane!  We went for walks, he colored in his coloring books, he watched some little cartoons, and played with the toys.  He went to sleep on his own and even told me when he was tired and ready for bed.  It was so wonderful and enjoyable!  I will admit, it makes me long so much for my own baby.  I am starting to feel quite desperate.  We have been trying for 13 cycles, 14 months.  Other people are starting to "lap me".  I got a facebook message from a quasi friend telling me they are pregnant with number 2.  We are not great friends so I don't understand why he felt the need to tell me personally.  Oh well, I just have to remember that other people being pregnant is not keeping me from getting pregnant.

On a totally different note, I am so not ready to go back to work on the 4th...I have not had enough summer vacation!

Staying busy...

I like to be busy.  It is just my nature.  My mom jokes I minored in socialization in college!  I like to do things with others: lunch, shopping, working out, etc. I have several hobbies that I like to do alone like sewing and reading, etc, but I am not one to go to the movies or out to eat by myself.  That's just me.  Take it or leave it. However, I was never bothered to live by myself since I was surrounded by friends at other times.  I am a social butterfly that loves alone time..what can I say, I am a contradiction.

I have been "alone" for the past week since D has been working out of town.  He is going to be working out of town for awhile.  I have decided that I don't love this.  I am so happy he is working and loving his job but for the first time in my life....gasp: I have been a little lonely.  Don't tell him...haha!  I miss having him here when it is time for dinner, time for bed, watching TV together and all the other little things.  We have officially become the "old married couple".  The bad part is he is going to be gone through the week, home on the weekends, for a while.  The good news, I guess, is that I am going back to work in 2 weeks.

Speaking of going back to work, I am stressed about it.  I have moved to a different school.  I am leaving my friends of 10 years.  I am going to be working with all the other preschool people in my district, which is awesome.  But you know how there is "one in every crowd", we have one of those.  She is negative and talks bad about others.  I have made the decision that I am going to be the shining light.  I have decided that I am going to be the positive person even if it kills me!  It is going to be tough but I am up for the challenge.  Wish me luck!

Day 30--Goals and Aspirations for the next 365 days

1. Become even closer with my husband
2. Become a better Christian
3. Have a baby
4. Call my grandmother more often
5. Be the best teacher I can be
6. Be a positive influence in the lives of others
7. Read my Bible at least 4-5 times a week
8. Take time to appreciate the really great things I have in my life
9. Lose 30 lbs (if the baby thing is a no go or even if it is)
10. To not forget to take time to do what I need to do for me

This may seem like a totally random list and it is....but it works for me!  I totally realize that day 30 should have been finished back in April....but it didn't happen, so here it is!  I am sure if I sat here long enough I could think of a million more things to add!

I am frustrated again....

Apparently having sex is part of the requirements for making a baby....
D just called me to say that he has been given the floater position at his job, which is great but...There is always a but isn't there?!  That means he is going to be working out of town for the next few months.  He is not sure he will even be able to make it home on the weekends.  I am upset for various reasons.  Obviously the first reason is that I am going to miss him like crazy...I have gotten used to him being around all the time.  I have managed to fill most days while I am on summer break with friends and my new sewing hobby.  But today was different, my friends were all busy and I just felt incredibly lonely today.  Reason two is I would like to have a baby and that means his sperm and my egg need to meet and at this time we are still trying to have a baby the old  fashioned way.  Reason three is I hate taking care of his stupid cat.  The cat and I tolerate each other, but there is no love lost between the two of us.  I hate cleaning the cat box!  Ok, so reason three is trivial, but the other two are for real and serious!

I am sure I am stressing over nothing.  I know his job is very important and he loves it.  I am particularly happy that he has a job after a year of unemployment.

On a good note...D and I had a great anniversary getaway.  What we learned while we were away: we are too old for amusement parks.  However, the weekend was glorious and stress free!  We had a blast at a major league ball game.  We cheered for opposite teams, but that was ok.  His team won and I let him gloat about it for a few minutes, but that was it!

Frustration

This has been a tough week for me.  I was so hopeful for our chances of being pregnant.  It was going to be perfect, I was going to test on Sunday the 10th so I could tell D on the 11th, which happened to be our anniversary.  See, perfect I say!  Until it wasn't.  I started on Sunday, so I felt like a failure.  D has NEVER made me feel that way, it is a pressure that I put on myself.  So we have started cycle 13.  Thirteen can be lucky right?!
On another note, I got a bill in the mail for blood work this week.  YIKES! is all I have to say about that!  $1611 for blood work!!!  Come to find out my insurance company immediately boots anything regarding PCOS out as they label it infertility.  My insurance does not cover anything infertility related at all.  So after about 10 phone calls later, my doctor's office said they would take care of it.  The office manager warned me it could take up to two months for it to go through but not to pay the bill.  That worries me...I never just let a bill go.
Apparently I was glutton for punishment this week.  I called the insurance company for a second time to check to see if an HSG is covered (knowing the answer).  After pushing seven hundred buttons and listening to a million different menu options, I finally get a real person.  She tells me she can't tell me anything about the HSG without a code from my doctor's office.  I call my ob/gyn's office.  I am transferred to 5 different people before speaking to a very helpful lady.  She told me that an HSG is not covered by my insurance since it would be coded as infertility.  She did tell me to talk to my doctor and that she would  try to help me how she could to get the test down at a reduced rate, etc.  I am not going to lie, when I hung up I cried.  Not so much because the test is not covered but just from the sheer frustration that I felt from this whole mess.
D and I are going to have to make some decisions on how far we want to go with trying to get pregnant.  I do know that D is going to have to have a semen analysis done, which he has agreed to, it is just getting the appointment set up.  I want to have the HSG done one way or another.  I have researched the cost of IUI if it comes to that and it is doable if we have to pay out of pocket.  With no infertility coverage, we are not going to be able to do IVF.  So here we are, 13 cycles in and still no baby.  I am trying to stay hopeful and be the eternal optimist, but I have had to hide all the pregnant people from my facebook feed, lame I know.
That was quite the ramble, but here's to cycle 13 and finding some hope!

Day 29--A person I love

I will go with the normal list of folks: my husband, my parents, my siblings, etc.  I can't choose just one, I am a people person.  I love being around big groups and socializing.  I think everyone has a great story to share, even if they think it is nothing, I am fascinated!  For example, I had dinner with a friend tonight.  While at the restaurant, an older gentleman she knows from her childhood sat down with us.  He was funny and kept us quite entertained during our meal!  He told of his childhood, going to a one room school house, various teachers, and what life was like.  He told of a teacher from the 30s who was as he put it, 5 foot by 5 foot and meaner than a rattlesnake!  He was telling of how she whipped a boy on his legs.  When the boy left school that day, he told the teacher that she would be hearing from his daddy the next day. She politely replied, I will lose sleep from worry!  I am sure you couldn't intimidate that woman!  So the next morning the dad rode up on his horse.  He said, I hear you had some trouble with my boy.  She said yes and if you get down from that horse I will whip you just like I did him!  The dad told her, I think you have things under control and rode off!  As a teacher, I am somewhat mortified yet strangely empowered by that story. 
As usual, I have gone off on a tangent and am unable to commit to only one person...  I will leave it at this: even though tonight was the first night I had ever met this random old man, I found him quite fascinating and enjoyable!  I love small town life where you go to the local restaurant and everyone knows everyone else and you can enjoy a meal and a nice story!  Tonight I love the random old guy that ate dinner with me and my friend!