A new kind of tired!

I have been back to work since August 4th, however, my students did not return until yesterday!  Oh my goodness, I am tired!  There is a huge difference between just being at work and actually teaching!  The good part about teaching is that I forget how truly stressful (i,e. awful) the first few days with kids are!  I teach preschool and they are so needy.  They come to me babies and leave me kindergartners.  I forget about the tears that accompany them to school.  Sometimes the tears are from the students and other times it is the mommies and occasionally, it's been me!!!!!  I always find it fascinating on how many do not cry on the first day, but wait until the second day when the reality sets in that this was not a one day deal!  I chuckle to myself at some of the things they do and say.  In years past, I have had to remind some students that they are not the boss in the classroom, there is only one boss and it is me!  I wouldn't trade it for the world though, the hugs and I love yous make up for the sheer exhaustion and stress I am feeling tonight!

Sundays

I have a love/hate relationship with Sundays.  First I will start with why I love Sundays.  I stay in bed on Sundays and watch TV until it is time to get ready for church.  It is the quiet time I like to start my week off with.  I pray, reflect and just enjoy the slow pace of the day.  Then I worship with my church family.  I use the term family because that is truly what it is.  I go to a church where members truly care for one another.  We take care of each other and if someone is not there, you call and check if they are ok, or drop a message of some sort to let them know you missed them.  On our way out of church, D and I discuss the sermon, what it meant to us, how we can apply it to our lives and what we need to work on.  I always laugh to myself because D always says, the preacher outdid himself today!  D has not been able to go with me as often as he likes due to some work issues, but today I was happy he did.  We often go out to lunch after church, which is nice since it kind of feels like a date, since we don't have much time together with him working out of town all week.  Since Sunday is my last day before work so I enjoy a well-deserved nap! I am here to tell you, I can tell a difference in my week if I do not start it out with church.  I am grumpier and feel far more overwhelmed by the small stuff.  I think church brings me back to God in a way that even praying and reading my Bible cannot.

Now to why I dislike (hate is really too strong of a word) Sundays.  D leaves on Sundays to go back to work, which is the biggest reason.  You know the crazy part, I lived alone for 8 years before we got together and did just fine, I was NEVER lonely or bored!  Now that he has been around for the past few years, I sometimes find that I don't know what to do with myself.  So I find myself filling my evenings with my friends and phone calls, but it is certainly not the same.  Darn those men for getting into our hearts and minds and making us act like silly girls!  I feel like sometimes I am back in my teen years, you remember the way it goes....you hang up first, no you hang up first!  Ok, We don't really do that but seriously after we have discussed all we have to talk about, we are listening to each other breathe!  Yet we can't seem to hang up since that is our way of being connected while he is away.

Another dislike, it is my last day before work on Monday.  Don't get me wrong I LOVE my job and I am so fortunate to do something I love.  My kiddos come back to school tomorrow so I am a little more stressed than normal!  I keep telling myself that it is going to be fine and the kids will love us and we will not have very many criers!

I hope you start your week out in a way that makes you happy!

Memories

I was driving home from the grocery store, jamming to some tunes when "I Think We're Alone Now" by Tiffany came on.  I am very much a child of the late 80s and early 90s, it brought back wonderful memories!  My cousin is 9 months younger than me and lived within shouting distance so we were together ALL THE TIME!  We would choreograph dances and lip sync for hours in our grandparent's utility room.  We had a battery operated tape player and used hair brushes for microphones.  Occasionally we could get my older brother to lip sync with us if there was a boy part in a song, but most of the time he was way too cool!  It was such a simpler time, never a worry.  We played outside, rode our bikes, had picnics and climbed trees.  We came in at dark filthy dirty with a jar of lightening bugs (fireflies for my readers in other areas of the country).  We splashed in the mud puddles after a big summer rain and rolled down the hill in the back yard giggling all the way.  It is my job to make sure future kids can recall great memories like these!

Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
Aldous Huxley

Sunshine sweeping the clouds away

I admit it friends, I have been in a funk.  I know it is a shock to most of you...haha!  Things are looking up, not because anything has really changed, but because I have decided that they are going to look up.  My attitude has been stinky and I truly do not like being that way.  So I am changing my attitude.  I am looking at what I have to be thankful for.  My cup runs over!  I have a wonderful husband who calls me 20 times a day just to tell me he loves me, who wants to be with me, do what makes me happy and takes wonderful care of me.  I have a great family that is there for me no matter what.  I have friends who have seen me through thick and thin, a job that I am happy to go to daily, and a church family that is there for me always.  So I am leaving the bitter hag that I feel I have become behind.  I can only do what I can do and I am not going to stress and worry.  God has a plan for us and I am going to trust in Him.  My quote of the day:

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. Nelson Mandela

This and that

Anyone who has known me for any length of time, knows I am a worrier.  I try very hard not to be, but I just can't stop, it is my nature.  I think I have worried since the day I was born!  One day old me: "I hope that thing on my belly button is going to be ok.  Do you think it looks inflamed?  Somebody, anyone?!"  I can seriously remember being worried that my mom, who is quite competent and intelligent, would not remember how to get back to our house or that we would not be home in time for my older brothers to get off the bus.  See what I mean, I am a worrier.

The biggest worry for me right now obviously is having a baby.  I did not feel this worry until the last few months.  I am thinking it has to do with the fact that we are now in cycle 14 and D is out of town during my fertile time.  I feel like we are wasting this cycle and WHAT IF this was supposed to be it?!  I am beginning to think I need some therapy and I am only 1/2 kidding!  I can tell that I have not been praying enough.  I need to work on this.  I keep giving my troubles to God because I know He can handle them, but then I take them back so I can worry about them some more.  What is wrong with me!?  I am going to work on this as my personal goal this week.  Pray more, worry less!

Here we go again!

It is time for another work week.  Where does the weekend go?!  We had an awesome weekend.  We celebrated D's birthday this weekend.  I cooked a big meal and his parents, sister, brother in-law and 1 year old nephew came over.  It is so sweet watching D with his nephew.  He plays with him and picks him up all the time!  He even put him to sleep this weekend!  It was so cute, I had rocked the baby, his mommy had laid down with him and finally D just told us to give him to him.  So we did and he just went and laid him on our bed and he just went right to sleep.  It probably was a coincidence, but D was so proud of himself!  They stayed all afternoon, which is unusual.  His parents were ready to leave well before his sister and she made them wait for a while before she left!  I was chuckling to myself when she told me under her breath that if they wanted to leave, then they should have driven themselves!  I was dying!  There are some interesting stories about his family that I won't go into right now, but let's just say, I am so happy we live away from them!

I hope you all have a great week and before we know it, it will be the weekend again!

Shew!

So the severe PMS/overreactions are over!  I am so glad because my poor eyes (and sanity) could not handle any more tears!  After some reflection, I realized that my total week long meltdown was not ENTIRELY over not being pregnant.  I know some of it was because, let's face it, I am not getting any younger and I want a baby so badly!  I do think the majority of my emotional eruptions were from going back to work.  Let me start at the very beginning of this story.

When I graduated from college in 2001 I moved 4 hours away from everything and everyone I knew when I took this teaching job.  I have worked in the same school, same room and with the same people for 10 years....until now.  My district built a brand new Early Childhood Center, which is awesome, BUT, and there is always a but, I am leaving the people and place that I love.  I feel like I am leaving everything that is familiar to move to a different school.  I am leaving the people who have seen me through the heartbreak of losing my dad, grandpa and uncle.  They have seen me through the joyous time of building my house, getting married and so much more.  I went back to help on the first day since my kiddos do not start for a few more weeks.  I don't know what was worse, leaving at the end of the year or going back to help and knowing I couldn't stay.  I know to most people this sounds like it is petty and small, but I feel like I am leaving my family!  I know that I am going to see my friends at district wide events and so much more, but it is so hard knowing that I am not going to see them on a daily basis.

I do want to say there are many positives about moving to the new classroom.  I don't want that to go unsaid.  I am ecstatic about the new technology and awesome new room.  I am so happy to be working with other preschool teachers and being able to collaborate and bounce ideas off of others.  It just made me sad knowing I would not see the people I love so much  every day.  You add that on to PMS and the disappointment of not being pregnant, I was flat-out a hot mess!  I am much better now and I will make the most of the situation I am in.  I will count my blessings and try to be a positive ray of light for others during this difficult time for me and the 2 other teachers who have moved to a new school also. 

Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.
Samuel Smiles

Limbo

limbo¹n pl -bos

an unknown intermediate place or condition between two extremes

I hate being in limbo.  You know the feeling...you can hear the outside world, but you are not awake enough to be able to interact.  I was that way last night.  I could hear the TV and knew I needed to shut it off, that is D's job when he is home.  I could hear it and was incorporating it into my dreams!  It was making me crazy!  I can remember telling myself to wake up, get out of this crazy dream!  I would go back to sleep and go right back into the dream again!  I woke up this morning feeling less than refreshed!  I think I know the reason for all this craziness, school is getting ready to start.  I never sleep a solid sleep the week before school starts.  I get jitters just like the kids do before starting school.

***Caution the passages below were written during what I believe is severe PMS and a possible pity party, read at your own risk! =)***

On the baby making front, I am not sure were we are, other than limbo.  I have been spotting for 3 days now, my temperatures are still well above the cover line and got a negative test today.  So now it is just a waiting game, aka, the limbo.  Insert the "Limbo Rock" by Chubby Checker right here!  In my rational mind I know that I am going to start my period, probably within the day, but there is that one piece of my silly romantic heart that wants this to be it so very badly that I just can't let the dream go. 

I am an optimistic person by nature, this serves me well most of the time.  Today the optimism is making my heart ache for something may never be.  We have been trying for a baby for 13 cycles or 14 months or 435 days.  That seems unreal when I break it down to days.  I have said all along that it will happen for us when it is supposed to and that God has a plan for us.  The reality of "what if" it is not in God's plan for us to have a baby has just recently started to sink in.  D and I have discussed adoption briefly, why briefly you ask?  We never thought we would need to think about it wholeheartedly.  We just KNEW that we would have a baby of our own.  I have been thinking a lot about how long we are going to actively try for a baby.  I am not ready to quit yet, but sometimes I wonder if my optimism is playing with my mind.  D is super great about the whole issue, he is interested and does his part.  I am the one starting to feel like I am letting him down every cycle that fails.  He has never done anything to make me feel this way, I am just the one that is carrying the burden of feeling that I am somehow "defective".  I know rationally that I am being silly, but emotions are a tricky thing for me, especially at this time of the month! 

I am beginning to think we are going to have to discuss our options.  My insurance does not cover any kind treatments for infertility and you and I both know they are expensive.  I guess we have to decide just how far we want to go to have a baby.  How do we decide that?  It's kind of like putting a price tag on your most valuable possession, or at least that is how I feel about it.  Like so many things in life, it all comes down to money.  Are we willing to mortgage our home, sell a car for treatments that are not guaranteed?  I know that I would be physically willing to do what needed to be done: shots, medicine, ultrasounds, etc., but unfortunately, that is not all that it entails.  I think I am just incredibly sad today that we are in this situation.  I have been an emotional wreck that past few days.  I am not sure if it is because I am getting ready to start or if it is because the reality of our struggle is setting in, but whatever it is I feel like a weepy lunatic!

So limbo....that's where we are.  I sincerely hope we do not stay here forever!  This turned into more of a "woe is me" post than I intended.  Sorry dear readers, I promise my next post will be better! 

Planet of the Apes was a tearjerker...

Ok, so probably not for everyone, but it sure was for me! (Do not read any further if you do not want to know what happens in the movie)  I seriously cried through at least 1/2 the movie!  I am sure it was because the movie was incredibly sad...yeah, I am SURE that was it.  It couldn't have anything to do with me being totally over emotional, no that couldn't be it AT ALL!  First let me say that I know the "animals" used in the movie were not real, but I cried when they did animal testing...on fake animals mind you.  I cried when Caesar's, the main chimp, mother dies.  I also nearly sobbed ugly sobs when Caesar is trying to protect Will's father, and then again when Will's father dies.  I also cried at several other spots, but there are just too many to list.  I will say this about the movie, it was very good.  I actually liked it, surprisingly, I might add.  It was not my first choice of movie.  The realistic ways the chimps acted, the emotions portrayed, etc were all great!  I would recommend it, but just not when you are at the end of your 13th cycle and an emotional wreck!

I started spotting today so I am sure that I am totally out this cycle.  I will just wait until I start tomorrow to make it official on Fertility Friend.  So in mourning of another cycle down I am making my favorite comfort food for dinner!  I think it is time for us to make the next step and get D in for a semen analysis and possibly some blood work.  Wish us luck!

Losing confidence this cycle

I was so optimistic this cycle.  I knew from the very beginning that getting my hopes up could lead to massive disappointment.  I am usually of the mindset of, without hope, what is there.  I think I might have to change this thought while trying to get pregnant.  You know the crazy part is I am not even totally out this cycle, but my temperature is falling so I am sure it is just a matter of time.
Here is where my thoughts are heading right now.  I think D REALLY needs to get a semen analysis.  I am beginning to get concerned that he has low testosterone.  I looked on Dr. Google.  I know better, but it is something I have been thinking about for a while.  He told me tonight that he thinks he might be feeling depressed, which is a sign.  I don't exactly know how to approach the subject with him.  I might just ask him to do the semen analysis since this is something we have already discussed.  I am sure that will tell us what we need to know and if not we will go from there.  The problem is that he is working out of town and is not in town during business hours to get the test done!  GRRR, my frustration is growing!
On a totally unrelated note,  I had to go to a training today and yesterday and it was awesome!  It was all about how simple movement activities can change children's lives!  It was all about retraining their vestibular system, which effects the whole body!  It just confirmed what D and I think about TV/video games, we are not going to have either one in our child's room.  We want our kids to get outside to run and play, ride bikes, and develop an imagination.  So Monday means that I am back to work for another school year, I just hope I get to finish it on maternity leave this year!