an unknown intermediate place or condition between two extremes
I hate being in limbo. You know the feeling...you can hear the outside world, but you are not awake enough to be able to interact. I was that way last night. I could hear the TV and knew I needed to shut it off, that is D's job when he is home. I could hear it and was incorporating it into my dreams! It was making me crazy! I can remember telling myself to wake up, get out of this crazy dream! I would go back to sleep and go right back into the dream again! I woke up this morning feeling less than refreshed! I think I know the reason for all this craziness, school is getting ready to start. I never sleep a solid sleep the week before school starts. I get jitters just like the kids do before starting school.
***Caution the passages below were written during what I believe is severe PMS and a possible pity party, read at your own risk! =)***
On the baby making front, I am not sure were we are, other than limbo. I have been spotting for 3 days now, my temperatures are still well above the cover line and got a negative test today. So now it is just a waiting game, aka, the limbo. Insert the "Limbo Rock" by Chubby Checker right here! In my rational mind I know that I am going to start my period, probably within the day, but there is that one piece of my silly romantic heart that wants this to be it so very badly that I just can't let the dream go.
I am an optimistic person by nature, this serves me well most of the time. Today the optimism is making my heart ache for something may never be. We have been trying for a baby for 13 cycles or 14 months or 435 days. That seems unreal when I break it down to days. I have said all along that it will happen for us when it is supposed to and that God has a plan for us. The reality of "what if" it is not in God's plan for us to have a baby has just recently started to sink in. D and I have discussed adoption briefly, why briefly you ask? We never thought we would need to think about it wholeheartedly. We just KNEW that we would have a baby of our own. I have been thinking a lot about how long we are going to actively try for a baby. I am not ready to quit yet, but sometimes I wonder if my optimism is playing with my mind. D is super great about the whole issue, he is interested and does his part. I am the one starting to feel like I am letting him down every cycle that fails. He has never done anything to make me feel this way, I am just the one that is carrying the burden of feeling that I am somehow "defective". I know rationally that I am being silly, but emotions are a tricky thing for me, especially at this time of the month!
I am beginning to think we are going to have to discuss our options. My insurance does not cover any kind treatments for infertility and you and I both know they are expensive. I guess we have to decide just how far we want to go to have a baby. How do we decide that? It's kind of like putting a price tag on your most valuable possession, or at least that is how I feel about it. Like so many things in life, it all comes down to money. Are we willing to mortgage our home, sell a car for treatments that are not guaranteed? I know that I would be physically willing to do what needed to be done: shots, medicine, ultrasounds, etc., but unfortunately, that is not all that it entails. I think I am just incredibly sad today that we are in this situation. I have been an emotional wreck that past few days. I am not sure if it is because I am getting ready to start or if it is because the reality of our struggle is setting in, but whatever it is I feel like a weepy lunatic!
So limbo....that's where we are. I sincerely hope we do not stay here forever! This turned into more of a "woe is me" post than I intended. Sorry dear readers, I promise my next post will be better!