Limbo

limbo¹n pl -bos

an unknown intermediate place or condition between two extremes

I hate being in limbo.  You know the feeling...you can hear the outside world, but you are not awake enough to be able to interact.  I was that way last night.  I could hear the TV and knew I needed to shut it off, that is D's job when he is home.  I could hear it and was incorporating it into my dreams!  It was making me crazy!  I can remember telling myself to wake up, get out of this crazy dream!  I would go back to sleep and go right back into the dream again!  I woke up this morning feeling less than refreshed!  I think I know the reason for all this craziness, school is getting ready to start.  I never sleep a solid sleep the week before school starts.  I get jitters just like the kids do before starting school.

***Caution the passages below were written during what I believe is severe PMS and a possible pity party, read at your own risk! =)***

On the baby making front, I am not sure were we are, other than limbo.  I have been spotting for 3 days now, my temperatures are still well above the cover line and got a negative test today.  So now it is just a waiting game, aka, the limbo.  Insert the "Limbo Rock" by Chubby Checker right here!  In my rational mind I know that I am going to start my period, probably within the day, but there is that one piece of my silly romantic heart that wants this to be it so very badly that I just can't let the dream go. 

I am an optimistic person by nature, this serves me well most of the time.  Today the optimism is making my heart ache for something may never be.  We have been trying for a baby for 13 cycles or 14 months or 435 days.  That seems unreal when I break it down to days.  I have said all along that it will happen for us when it is supposed to and that God has a plan for us.  The reality of "what if" it is not in God's plan for us to have a baby has just recently started to sink in.  D and I have discussed adoption briefly, why briefly you ask?  We never thought we would need to think about it wholeheartedly.  We just KNEW that we would have a baby of our own.  I have been thinking a lot about how long we are going to actively try for a baby.  I am not ready to quit yet, but sometimes I wonder if my optimism is playing with my mind.  D is super great about the whole issue, he is interested and does his part.  I am the one starting to feel like I am letting him down every cycle that fails.  He has never done anything to make me feel this way, I am just the one that is carrying the burden of feeling that I am somehow "defective".  I know rationally that I am being silly, but emotions are a tricky thing for me, especially at this time of the month! 

I am beginning to think we are going to have to discuss our options.  My insurance does not cover any kind treatments for infertility and you and I both know they are expensive.  I guess we have to decide just how far we want to go to have a baby.  How do we decide that?  It's kind of like putting a price tag on your most valuable possession, or at least that is how I feel about it.  Like so many things in life, it all comes down to money.  Are we willing to mortgage our home, sell a car for treatments that are not guaranteed?  I know that I would be physically willing to do what needed to be done: shots, medicine, ultrasounds, etc., but unfortunately, that is not all that it entails.  I think I am just incredibly sad today that we are in this situation.  I have been an emotional wreck that past few days.  I am not sure if it is because I am getting ready to start or if it is because the reality of our struggle is setting in, but whatever it is I feel like a weepy lunatic!

So limbo....that's where we are.  I sincerely hope we do not stay here forever!  This turned into more of a "woe is me" post than I intended.  Sorry dear readers, I promise my next post will be better!