Slacker alert

I am a slacker!  I started back to work so that explains most of it!  We are in our last times intercourse cycle.  I am not sure how I feel about it.  On one hand I am fine with going for IUI, helps our chances and so on.....but and there is always a but.  I want to give us a chance!  I feel like we are just now at the point where we have a chance.  I am sure that with my blocked tube, polyp and PCOS we were doomed before.

On a totally unrelated note, I have been crafting like a fiend to get ready for some shows.  My goal is to make enough money to pay for IUI if we need it.  I hit my goal this weekend!  I am so stoked!

When I was at the craft show this weekend, I was set up by an adoption agency, coincidence or not?  I think it was really God's plan for me to be by them.  I got their information.  I felt great getting it.  It let me know there are options out there for us.

So all in all, things are good!

Here we go again

I started my period on Friday..yay.  We are going to repeat the same protocol as before with the Femara and timed intercourse.  I am hoping I respond to Femara again.  I would like to not have to take the trigger shot since it made me a friggin' hormonal mess, but I will do whatever it takes.  I seriously cry at everything.

I can't believe that I start back to work in a week.  I am not ready, I don't feel as if I have had enough summer!

There was a Fandom Fest in our city and it was awesome!  I got to meet/see some of the cast of The Walking Dead!  I had my picture taken and I got a big hug from Norman Reedus (aka Daryl Dixon)!  He was super nice and took time with every fan and trust me there were TONS of fans there for him!  D enjoyed it so much!  He would stop and hug me every little bit and kept telling me how awesome it was to be there!  This was his birthday present so I am really glad he had a good time.  He got to see people from tons of the TV shows he watches.  I told him for my birthday he could take me to the Supernatural convention!  I do love that show!

Ultrasound

Things never seem to be easy...
I got a positive OPK on Monday night so I called first thing Tuesday morning to set up my Ultrasound (u/s)  to see how well I responded to Femara.  I had one measurable follicle but it was no where near the size it needed to be to create a positive OPK.  So the doctor thinks that my body has been in major fake out mode for some time now.  I produce the hormone to get the +OPK but my ovaries really don't do anything.  He did say there was a REMOTE possibility that I had already ovulated but he didn't really think that was the case.

I was really upset that day but I did make it to my car before I cried.  I had a slight pity party for a day and ate my feelings.  I didn't let it keep me down long.  I am really ok either way.  I know that we have options with doubling the meds next cycle or if I have already ovulated.  Our timing was good if I did ovulate so we will see.

Insurance booted out my surgery so I had to call and have my doctor's office send over the medical records, keep your fingers crossed they will cover it.  If not, I am going to be paying $9000.  Just another bump in the road.

The aftermath

Things have been pretty low key around here.  I have recovered from my surgery totally and started Femara on CD3.  I have some hives...is it connected or not?  I am not sure, but they are irritating.  I take my last dose tonight and now we wait.  I am on CD7 so I will start doing OPKs on CD 10.  Once I get my positive OPK, I call the doctor and set up a time for an ultrasound.  I do love the dildo cam...I haven't had to visit it for a year now so I hope it at least buys me dinner!  :)

I had my niece and nephew for a few days and we had an awesome time!  We went to movies, out to eat, to a birthday party and so much more!  I am exhausted!  Sleeping on our futon is like all night torture!   

Benny has been a terror.  He was totally out of control while the kids were here.  He loved them so much that he was just out of control.  He would bite their feet and even started humping things, WHICH HE HAS NEVER DONE!  I am hoping that was just a phase...it might mean that it is time to get him fixed.  He also went through a food strike.  Thankfully that is over, we went and bought some different food since he had been eating the same food for 8 months now.  Maybe he was tired of it, who knows, he's eating now.

OH and the fireworks...For the love of all things holy, they must stop!  They make Benny crazy!  He shakes and cries and pees in the floor.  It's awesome.  He has always been afraid of loud noises so this is just a terrible time of year.  I love him but man this has been a hard couple of weeks with him!

Surgery

I made it through surgery!  I could not have asked for a better experience!  I got there at 7:30, by 7:45 I am in my room.  I get my IV on the first time, woo hoo!  They let my mom and D come back after I am in my gown etc.  About 30 mins before surgery they give me some really great drugs to relax me before I went back to surgery!  Total side note, why are all anesthesiologists hotties?    They take me back to the OR and that is all I remember until I am in the recovery room.

Once in the recovery room, I remember trying to see what time it was.  Of course I couldn't read the clock because I didn't have my glasses...lol!  I kept falling back to sleep and I could hear the alarms going off and they would come tell me to breathe.  I thought I was!  I just wasn't breathing deep enough to keep my stats up.  I remember being really happy, which is totally different from my last surgical experience.  They had to change the pad while I was laying there, which under normal circumstances, would have mortified me.  I was feeling so good that I didn't care.

I finally get back to my room.  It takes me a while to wake up.  I can remember my mom trying to tell me what they found.  It doesn't sink in for a few hours.  I just could not get awake enough to understand.  Finally I get it.  They found a polyp, endometriosis, my left tube was totally blocked and it was stuck to my bowel.  The doctor removed the polyp, endo, unblocked my tube, and unstuck my tube from my bowel.  They are sending off the polyp and the scraping from my uterus for biopsy.  I was told this was normal so I am not concerned about it.

I just want to say I showed no signs of a polyp or endo.  I was totally shocked by both.  I do not have painful periods or excessive bleeding.  I have very short, light periods.

The final thing thy did was laser wedging on my ovaries.  This is basically poking holes in my ovaries to help induce ovulation.  I hope it works!  The dr told my mom and D that I still need to lose weight...duh, and that I might still need medicinal help for ovulation.  I am ok with that.

Now for the side notes:
1. Surgery didn't suck.
2. Listen to the nurse when she sys not to touch your anti-nausea patch and then touch your eyes.  They will dilate and stay that way for a while!  Learned that the hard way!
3. Trust your gut if you think something is wrong.  I didn't show any signs of an issue other than not getting pregnant.
4. Follow the directions they give you, I took Advil as soon as I left and every 4 hours and did not need any prescription pain meds.
5. They give you pictures of your innards to take home, totally gross, yet awesome!
6. Let people take care of of you for a few days!
7. Don't give up hope.


Overall, I am very happy with the outcome of the surgery.  Now on to our next step!  I am going to finish up the birth control and go from there.  I go back for my post op appointment on the 24th so I will be anxious to hear what the doctor tells me.

It's happening!!!

I am still in shock that everything is going to fall into place!  My insurance is going to cover my surgery!  I am in shock!  I called to schedule it today and it is going to be June 11!  OMG, I need to breathe!  I have NEVER been one to get excited about surgery, anesthesia, hospitals, etc. but I am stoked about this one!  I am unsure of what I want them to find.  Do I want them to find something so we can "fix" it?  Do I want them to not find something and go from there?  I don't know.  All I know is that it is all going to be ok, no matter what.

I *think* my mom is going to come and help me for a few days afterwards.  D stresses about stuff so I would almost rather he just go to work, but that's not fair to him.  I want him to be there, but I can't promise I won't snap at him if he gets all drama queen on me!  :)

I am more concerned about Benny jumping on me after surgery than anything else.  He is a great dog but he just gets super excited about everything and everyone!  He just can't help himself!

Now for some pictures!
Here is a small chest of drawers that D's parents gave us.  It was his when he was a baby...aw!

Here are some of my sweet boy:

Benny is a hoarder, this is what I walk over every morning:

My first RE visit!

It went well! I really liked Dr. H. He wants to start with a Laproscopy (a minor surgery) and check out everything internally and while he is in there, he wants to laser drill my ovaries. I am not exactly sure what that entails but I will go for it if I get a baby! He also thinks he will be able to get my insurance to pay for it. He wants to start a medicated cycle with Letrozole (femara) and Timed Intercourse. Then if that does not work, we will do Inter Uterine Insemination (IUI) with injectible medicines. If I am not pregnant by the end of the year we will move into IVF. HOLY CRAP!!! We have a plan!

Life gets in the way

It is the time of year for a teacher that the whirlwind starts!  The beginning and the end of the year are the hardest busiest time of year for everyone!  I am exhausted all the time, it feels as if I go home eat supper and go to bed in between all the evening activities that I have to do for work!

Here are some updates:

• D's cat died.  He is still in mourning.  He has been pitiful and quite upset with me since I cleaned and put away the litter boxes.  Like didn't talk to me for 2 weeks mad.
• I finally got to see my parents since they were in Florida for what seemed like forever!
• I feel like there are more, but my mind is blank...lol

I finally made the appointment with the RE.  I know, I know...I have had the referral for months.  It was a hard call to make, but one I know I needed to do since I was bombarded with newborns one day and went home and cried.  I mean seriously, who does that?!  I also stared longingly at a beautiful newborn at church one day and was really glad when they had to move to another seat because I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

After I made the appointment, I felt like a load had been lifted from my chest.  I called D to let him know and he was super sweet, reassuring me that in no way did he blame me, think this was my fault or have any ill feelings about our next step.  He also went on to say that if a biological child is not in God's plan for us then maybe we are supposed to adopt the next Lebron James...lol!  I am so glad that he is on board with all of this and that he is not being a turd like he was when we had to do his SA!  I couldn't handle that again.

I also told D that we need to check out budget and trim any fat we have because the next steps are expensive ones.  He agreed, so we will see how it goes.

I have a wonderful support system and I am so blessed in so many ways!  I always know I am never in this journey alone, so that is a great relief to me.

struggling

I am not sure why this is such a tough time...well, I guess I do.  I started my period today.  I don't know why I am disappointed, we only had sex twice this month.  Neither time was in my fertile week, so yeah...

I should be happy, I just got home from a great vacation in Hilton Head.  The weather was beautiful but chilly, we were on the beach in sweatshirts and pants!  We had a great time riding bikes, playing putt putt and listening to the waves.  There is nothing better than the salty sea air and breeze! 

I guess I should be happy that I didn't get my period on the vacation.

I am sad, just sad.  I am sad because things are not how I had planned.  You find someone you love, you get married, then you have a baby.  But it just isn't happening.  I am sad that money is what is the main hold up for us.  Why should it be so expensive to have a baby?!  I am sad because my insurance doesn't cover any kind of fertility treatments, blood work, or meds.  I am just sad.

I know this is not the case, but sometimes I feel like I am being punished for something.  I try to be a good person, I go to church, I am a school teacher for pity's sake.  I think we would be good parents.  We both have good jobs, a house, and cars.  Why can't we have a baby?

I know this has been a total whine fest.  Sorry readers.

It's going to be ok

I never realized how much I say, "It's going to be ok."  I truly believe it is always going to be ok.  It may not be exactly how I would like it to, but it is always ok. 

I have had a bit of a tough week or so.  My boss, who I love, called me a little over a week ago to let me know that her mother had a heart attack.  I knew she was upset and crying and the first thing out of my mouth was, it's going to be ok.  She gave me a list of things she needed me to take care of for her while she was gone.  I got it all done and her mom IS ok after open heart surgery.  How do I know it is going to be ok?  I don't know exactly, I just do.  I guess it is faith.  I have FAITH it is going to be ok. 

I think back to when my dad passed away, it was the most horrible thing that had happened to me at that point.  It was hard, but I made it through.  I think of all the good things that came out of that horrible situation.  I found out how important my family is to me.  I live 4 hours away, it's easy to be disconnected.  I found out who my true friends are, they didn't try to make my dad's death about them.  I found a wonderful church home that lifts me up and makes me a better person.

Was my dad's death a bright and shiny spot in my life, absolutely not.  Am I ok?  I sure am.  It took me a while to get there, but I made it! 

Snow Day!

It's a snow day!  An extra day at home to get all the things you needed to get done but don't have time for.  WRONG!  It is an extra day at home in comfy clothes on the couch doing nothing!  It is glorious!  D still had to go to work, so it is just me and the pets at home.  That's ok, because they are lazier than me.  They are both sleeping the day away!  Benny doesn't even want to go outside to potty, I put the leash on him, open the door, and he just stands there looking at me like really?!  Yeah dude, really!  I am thinking of taking a nap in a few minutes and just being a bum for the rest of the day.  It's a hard life, but someone has to do it!

Is it summer vacation yet?

Oh my goodness!  This has been a week!  The weather has been horrendous this week, my kids at work are nuts and D has worked late every night this week!  I have relished in the alone time, but I might miss him a little. 

Benny has acted the fool this week too.  He has been waking up and crying in the kennel at 2:30, 2:45, 1:45....etc.  So I let him into the bedroom to sleep last night so I could sleep all night.  Well that did not work either.  He would not settle in to sleep at all.  He romped, jumped on the bed,  bounced off of me.  He was a maniac!  So I put him in the kennel and of course he cried.  So I told him to hush (lots) and he went to sleep for about an hour and started up again.  So I let him back in the bedroom, hoping he would be calm enough to sleep.  Nope.  By this time, it is around 1 am and D is still working.  He finally gets home around 1:30, but he has all kinds of paperwork he has to do.  It was around 2:30 before he finally came to bed and Benny FINALLY settled down and went to sleep.  The alarm was a rude awakening going off at 6:45!

I don't know when this turned into a blog about our dog, but it has.  I suppose since we don't have a baby, a dog will have to do for a while.

MUST CALL THE RE.  It really is on my to do list, really it is.  I am being a big fat baby, I know I am, but it's hard...runs from blog crying!  Someone hold me!  :)

Poo and other stuff

Benny has turned into a bad sleeper.  He wakes up at undesirable times like 3 am.  This morning, he got up at 5:00.  No biggie, take him potty and back to bed.  All goes well, though he cries it out until about 5:45 when I cave and let him into the bedroom.  That means the cat comes too since the door is open.  (I booted the cat out of the bedroom right after D and I got married.)  Everyone settles back, I reset the alarm and go back to sleep since I have a little time.  I wake up to an awful smell...awful!  I knew immediately that it was cat poop.  I got up hoping it was in the litter box.  It was not.  It was seriously a poopsplosion!  I make D hold onto Benny while I am cleaning up this poo!  I mean the cat walked through it and tracked it everywhere in the house and then jumped on the bed with poopy feet!  OMG, I was livid!  Not only am I cleaning up a pile of poop the size of a dessert plate, now I have to change the sheets!!!!!  So I got it all cleaned up and I still had to take a shower and make it to work.  I made it and I was only 3 minutes late!  That was pretty gross by the way.  NOT the way I like to start a day.  I felt agitated for most of the morning.  I tried to work through it and come out in a better mood.  I think it might of worked.

I still have not made the appointment with the RE.  I never thought it would be this difficult to make a simple phone call.  But it is!  It's like I am closing the chapter on us ever being able to have a child on our own.  I know it is not that way in reality but sometimes you don't think rationally when it comes to matters of the heart.

The life of a dog

Here is Benny, our sweet baby boy.  He makes me happy, so I thought I would share these pictures!

I think you will notice a trend in many of them!

Oh were you sitting here?

Handsome boy!

This one melts my heart!

I love sleeping in my momma's bed!

I don't see a mess...

It's a hard knock life.

This is your pillow and blanket...sorry!

I need a nap after a hard day's work!

What do we do?

So I have been thinking.  That is always a scary thing but I find myself doing it occasionally.  I have been doing some soul searching really to try to decide what we need to do about the infertility thing.  I haven't come up with a plan yet, but I did talk to D about it a little bit.  I told him that the doctor gave us a referral but I didn't know what I wanted to do with it.  It is going to be super expensive for us since we are out of pocket.  I think I am going to call for a consultation and go from there.  It won't cost us THAT much for an office visit, right?!  I thought I would also talk to them about being OOP and see what they can offer.  In the meantime, we will continue to pay down debt.

Now for the soul searching.  I have been thinking and praying about having a baby.  Is this something I really WANT or is this something I just think I SHOULD do?  I don't know anymore.  I know originally I started out wanting it, but as time has gone by, I am beginning to wonder.  I am wondering if I am going down this path for the right or wrong reasons.  I love children, obviously, I work with them for a living.  But I also love my life.  I like being footloose and fancy free.  I know I would be ecstatic if we got PG and had a baby.  I know it would be a tremendous adjustment, but it would be great!  I have also been looking at the other side of things too since being childless may ultimately be in our future.  Is that something I would be ok with?  I know I am using I a lot, I think D wants kids because I want kids so I feel very responsible for these decisions.  I think he would be a great dad, but I think he would be fine never having kids.  I don't know that he would feel the void that I think I might feel if we are childless.

So I suppose these are our next steps:
1. Do not worry,  pray about everything
2. Call for a consult
3. Go to the consult
4. Pay down debt
5. Make the most of life as we know it!

Doctor Visits

I started yesterday off at the podiatrist's office for a check up on my foot.  I can slowly start transitioning back into a real shoe!  YAY!  After 4 weeks in a post op shoe, I am so glad that I will be able to wear matching shoes and socks.  I know I could have worn matching socks, but I had a dilemma.  I needed to wear a thicker sock to keep my foot warm and they would not fit into my regular shoe, so I wore one regular sock and one thick sock.  I have had to be very careful about what kind of shoe I wore.  I couldn't wear a high shoe because then I limped, let's just say, it's been a pain!  Moral of the story is I am super glad to be going back into regular shoes!

My next appointment was with my gynecologist.  This one was not as awesome.  First of all, I am on my period, so life in general is getting to me more than it normally would.  Plus this is the first time I have had to have an exam while on my period.  Luckily, my flow is super light anyway so it was not THAT horrible.  She told me there was a chance that I might have to redo my pap because the results might not be accurate since I am on my period.  Great. 

Then we start talking about the baby stuff.  I am 34, so it's not like I think I have all the time in the world to have a baby.  I know I am close to reaching that magical 35 mark where everything starts to go downhill (ok, that's a bit dramatic).  So basically she told me we needed to start making some decisions.  She offered clomid, which I denied.  I have not had the appropriate testing done, plus most of my charts show ovulation, so why induce ovulation when I am already ovulating?  I also asked about the monitoring she would do.  Now this was a question I knew the answer to before I even asked.  She told me that she would want me to continue to chart by taking my temperature and using OPKs, no bloodwork, no ultrasounds.  Most gynos do not do proper monitoring for clomid patients, they are in the business of taking care of pregnant women, not helping them get pregnant.  However, I knew this was not the right path for me at this time.  I have not had the HSG (hysterosalpingogram)
to see if my tubes are clear, I don't want to medicate myself to induce ovulation if the egg cannot get anywhere!

She did tell me she could order an HSG but that might not be the best idea for her to do if I was planning on seeing an RE (reproductive endocrinologist).  Often, REs like to do all of their own testing and she did not want us to have to pay twice.  D and I have to pay out of pocket (OOP) for any fertility treatments since our insurance covers nothing.  She told me that really there wasn't anything else she can do for me.  So she asked if I wanted her to give me a referral to an RE.  I knew this was coming, but somehow it still kind of took my breath away.  So we discussed our options, who she would recommend, who I knew about already.  So we decided on a doctor.  When I left, I had to stop at the desk to get the referral.  They asked if I wanted them to go ahead and make the appointment for me, I didn't.  I told them, I wasn't sure when I wanted to go.  So I get the paperwork and there it is in black and white: diagnosis--INFERTILITY.  Why did it hurt me to read that on the paper?  It's not like I didn't know.  I mean seriously, we have been trying for almost 3 years.  That still didn't stop me from crying in the car.

So I suppose it's time for us to decide what we are going to do.  Do I call for the initial consult?  Do we wait until we have save some money?  Decisions, decisions!  All I know is, I am going to pray about it, then pray some more.  That's the only thing I have control over right now. 

An eh day

It has been one of those days where I have struggled to let my light shine.  I lost my temper at work today, which I HATE.  I work with precious kiddos and I raised my voice, not something I like to do at.all!  I have no excuse that's worth giving.  Sometimes they know how to push every button to push you over the edge and I fell off the cliff today.  The beginning of my tumble from the cliff was starting my period.  Awesome.  I knew it was coming since everything has been bringing me to tears, I have a gigantic zit beside my nose, and all I want to do is eat.  So it shouldn't be a surprise, but somehow it always takes my breath away.  Because no matter how I "try" not to get my hopes up about being pregnant, it doesn't work.

Now I will tell you all a secret, each cycle I calculate when I would be 12 weeks along so I can start planning on how I would tell people.  Lame.  So the moral of this story is don't believe me when I tell you that I try not to get my hopes up each cycle because I am a lying liar who lies.

I go for my annual exam on Friday.  I hope my period is over by that point, which it should be but of course this will probably be the period that last 7 days with a heavy flow!  I have no indication that this is going to be the case other than my crappy mood.  I am sure it is going to be my normal 2 day period that will be finished by Friday.  I will probably still be spotting but that shouldn't be a big deal, right?  I have always planned my exams around my period but this one kind of came up and bit me in the behind....lol!  And of course this is the time that I have the perfect 28 day cycle!

Enough complaining on my part.  I have good things going on in my life too.  I am going to be presenting with my boss at a summer conference which will bring in an extra $300!  That is super exciting for me, I am not sure what I will do with the money yet, but I am sure I will figure something out!

I hope tomorrow renews my light enough to let it shine!

Snow day!

It's a snow day here.  I know only in a rural area in the south would you get a snow day for less than 2 inches of snow!  D is "working" from home today so we are here together.  However that puts me in the situation of not being able to do anything I need to do because he questions me on why I am doing things.  Why don't you sit down, blah, blah, blah!  I love him, but I can't get anything done when he is home! 

Benny is such an awesome dog but if he doesn't start sleeping, he is going to be someone else's awesome dog!  He is waking up at 3 am everyday.  He does go out and potty and I put him right back into the kennel.  So here I am letting the dog cry it out at night!  I have to put headphones on so I don't hear him.  It is really hard to do and I am so exhausted!  I know it is for the best and we have to train him and not let him train us, but I am at a loss!  Of course D does not hear him at all, in fact he said, Benny slept all night!  Umm, no, he slept until 3 when I got up to let him out!

I am currently in my two week wait.  I don't know why I even bother keeping track anymore.  I never really get my hopes up, so I am not terribly upset when I am not PG!  Self-preservation is the key.  I have had a headache for a couple of days now, that's awesome.  I hate having a headache, I rarely get one so I think that makes each one worse! 

I am due for my annual exam on the 8th, that should be fun since I think I will be on my period.  Great.  I am going to get a name for a Reproductive Endocrinologist since we have been trying to get PG for almost 3 years now.  I don't know what I will do with the name yet since we are totally out of pocket for fertility treatments and we are not where I would like to be financially.  I was hoping to be debt free by the end of the year but I have had some setbacks.  There is still hope though!

I go back to the doctor for my food on  the 8th too.  I hope I can get out of the post op shoe.  This has really hindered my weight loss efforts.  I was down 10 lbs even until I gained this week.  Boo!  I am still down 8.6, but still, I am not supposed to go up!

What a week!

Oh my!  What a week it has been.  D had to go out of town on business.  While he was away, his suitcase was stolen from his vehicle while he was carrying other items up to his room.  In the suitcase were all of his clothes, his glasses, phone charger, toiletries, and fresh baked cookies!  D is a giant and it is hard for him to get all of his belongings replaced.  What I need to mention is that his medications were also in there.  This has not been a good thing at all for him to go for a week with no meds!  His blood pressure was through the roof and his moods are very dangerously grumpy!  He tried telling me he was doing fine without the medication and I called BS!  I could tell by the tones of our conversations, the agitation he felt about silly things, and how he acted towards me in general.  I know that this was beyond his control, but I will tell you, it has been a strain this week.  I was so worried because he kept telling me how good he felt and that he was doing ok without the meds.  I kept thinking to myself, that's what you think!  I told him today that I understand that his feelings are from the lack of meds and that everything will level out once he starts taking them again.  Even though I know the cause so many of the feelings of oh my, I am walking on eggshells again!  I am going to ride this out and keep going but man it is not easy!

I have also been in a mood this week myself.  This stress fracture in my foot is really cramping my style.  I am wearing the boot faithfully!  I have seriously over done it a few days though.  I put together a bench, a mirror and 2 bookcases to put in our entry way.  I have made it into a little reading area with a chair and lamp.  I will post some pictures when I get it all finished and polished!  Pinterest is going to make me go broke!

On another wonderful note, I am going to the beach!  I can't wait to go in April for spring break!  I am going with my bestie, her little boy, and nephew.  I know that is probably not going to be warm enough to really lay out on the beach, but it will be wonderful to smell the salty air and feel the sand between my toes!  We are going to stay here: Our Hotel

The baby front is pretty boring right now.  I think we had pretty good timing this cycle so we will see if it worked or not.  I should start my period around February 5.  I don't hold my breath anymore about getting pregnant.  I guess if the day ever happens, I will be ecstatic and go with it.  The way I look at it now (that it is never going to happen) is for self preservation.

Weight loss front, I have lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks!  I am thrilled!  If I can do 2 lbs a week, I can lose 30 lbs by the time I hit the beach.  I really wish I could get on the elliptical.  I think I am going to try next week, giving my foot a little more time to heal.  I think I will be able to do it since there is very little impact on my foot once I step on the pedal.  Wish me luck!

A few days off

I know this is insanity, but I have NO alone time ever!  D is going to be out of town all this week, I am already off for MLK day and I took tomorrow off too.  I get to stay home by myself all day!  I am so thrilled!  I know this is such a small thing, but oh my, it makes me super happy!  Don't get me wrong, I love D and I love spending time with him, but I need a minute to breathe and not have someone asking me why I am breathing that way!  :)

Oh yeah, I started South Beach again and lost 7.8 lbs the first week.  Yay me!  However, I am not sure week 2 is going to go as well.  I have a stress fracture in my foot, so I am benched on exercise.  Not that I was burning it up or anything, but I did walk Benny several times a day.  It frustrates me since he acts out when he doesn't get enough exercise.  D can walk him at night but with him being out of town all week, that leaves me in a dilemma.  I am afraid we might be mad at each other before the end of the week! 

OK, now let me get the mushy stuff out of the way.  I think I love this silly dog so much because I am worried that we are never going to have kids.  He is kind of filling a void in me.  He needs me, loves me and is always happy to see me!  D loves him too.  He tells me all the time he thinks Benny gives us hugs.  He will sit down and just lay over on you and look up at you like you are the very best thing in the world.  Melts my heart!

Let's talk about babies.  I am thinking I should O on Tuesday.  D and I did what we had to do before he left.  It's not as easy as you think.  Trying to have a baby for 32 months kind of sucks the life out of you after a while, so I have just decided that we are going to have sex whenever and just for fun.  I have not ever really told him when we "have" to have sex or not.  Let me just tell you, that has not always worked to my advantage either.  Neither one of us has a tremendously high sex drive so it is more work than you think.  I think we are back on our way to pre-trying to have a baby sex...I hope!

New Year, New Goals

I am a terrible blogger...I have no excuse, other than I am lazy.  Plain and simple.

Let's see, here is where we are in life.  D has a job he finally likes (or so he tells me), he is on some medication for anxiety, which is making a world of difference in our marriage, and I am chilling out on some things.  Overall, things are much better than they were.  We went to therapy for a while until his work schedule got crazy for us and we had to keep cancelling appointments.  We are still using the tools we brought out of therapy in our daily life though.  I will say this, if you are struggling in your marriage or in life, please go talk to a therapist!  It can make a world of difference!  They are there to listen to you, give you tools on how to cope with life, and to be an impartial 3rd party in your conflicts.  I wasn't crazy about the therapist we were seeing, but I continued because it was good for my husband.

We made it through the holidays with his crazy family.  They are just plain crazy, that is all I can say about them.  His parents had to move last month, the home they moved to did not have a stove.  His sister and I bought them a gift card to a home improvement store so they could buy a stove.  They were not happy with that, they really wanted something else.  Next year, a lump of coal!

His mom told everyone that I have personally ruined their family Christmas by us not being there on Christmas Eve.  We travel to my family's house 4 hours away for Christmas, so no, we are not going to be there on Christmas Eve.  I made sure I asked her before we got married how she wanted to handle holidays, I want to remind her this is what she chose before D and I married.  We stay here for Thanksgiving and go to my family on Christmas.  I digress...

Work is going great.  I still love my job, which makes it so much easier to go to each day.  I often wonder if I should do a different grade than preschool, but then I think about how sweet and funny they are!  I decide, nah, I am good!

Baby stuff, nothing new.  We are working on paying off our debt so we can be ready to pay for treatments if the need be.  Plus I wanted to make sure we were in a good place in our marriage before we brought a new life into the world.  Though I am pretty sure that there is no concern of me getting pregnant without help.  I am ok with it right now.  I think about what we could do if we don't have kid: just pack up and go on vacation, never have to worry about babysitters, we don't have to pay for college or weddings...Is anyone convinced yet that I am ok if we never had kiddos?!  Yeah, me either.  I find myself trying not to look at newborns because I always feel like I am looking at them like I am going to kidnap them, which I am not of course!  I just don't want to look at them and people know that I am longing for a baby as much as I am.  We are not totally out of the infertility closet yet, but I am sure people have a good idea.

Oh we have a dog now.  D found him at a gas station.  He was dropped or ran off from his owners.  We put his picture out but to no avail, so he is ours.  His name is Benny and he is super cute and pretty well behaved overall.  He did eat the leftover roast today from the counter, but such is life.  :)  For your viewing pleasure:

Benny and Angelo

I guess overall, life is moving in the right direction.  It doesn't always seem to be moving as quickly as I would like sometimes, but we all need to slow down, right?!